I hope the plan for distance is still in the works for you. Not for me, and the need for distance is greater than ever.
My son slipped, and told me about a visit to XH's OW's house. This was a stipulation I had during our divorce proceedings, that he would not take our son any where around this person. It was unrealistic to believe due to the fact that she is everywhere he is, both jobs, one of which he is around both her children. Nevertheless, I was not prepared for XH to take son to her house several times. Appears that visits were not for dates, but to do favors for her. I was livid because he told my son not to tell me.
I called and confronted him, and he admitted that the visits did happen, but that he would never take son on a date. Whatever. Such a disgusting rationalization. He did not admit to "dating" her, nor deny it, but I doubt what they do is date anyway. I didn't know what to be more upset about, the fact that he put our child in such a situation that he had to lie to me, or the fact that he is more than likely continuing to see her. I do know though for a fact that he is doing "favors" for others also, again my son told me. Maybe I should let the OW know.
I was a emotional basketcase, and could not control telling him how hurt I was, and that I had continued to hope he would come home. So much for keeping my distance.
I gently told my son that it was ok to tell the truth and that his father had confessed. Talk about heartbreaking. He then ran upstairs crying, so ashamed for not telling the truth.
I let XH know that I could not continue to see him, and have him in my home anymore. Of course, he said something like "Well I guess you hate me that much", inorder to enlicit a denial from me, and it worked. I denied I hated him, and said I wish I could.
Well, the distance I intended to put between us only worked until the next day. When we did the changing of the guard ( my turn to work), my car would not start. He gladly took over, making the phone calls to tow, he paid for the work, picked me up after work, and I am sad to say it was wonderful to be in a vehicle with all three of us. It was a long ride, made longer by him taking me to pick up my car. We enjoyed our son together, XH was playful with me, complimentary, and for a short time I felt like we were still a family. But, the front door closes with him on one side, and us on the other.
It appears he wants me to continue to be dependant upon him, but for what reason who really knows. I know he is not here, and hasn't been here in over a year. I know our divorce will be a year ago in a few months. And I know other women are dependant upon him also. He just doesn't have to feel so guilty about the other women now.
A friend asked me the other day, "What does he have to do to convince you he is not a good guy, murder someone?" I know my friends and family want me to REALLY move on. But, I look at our son, am reminded by moments like the above how much fun XH can be, and remember how much fuller my life was with him, and the bad things are forgotten.
I guess you have experienced the same things many times over, and finally said enough is enough. I suppose I will have to make myself create distance, because I doubt I will ever really desire it.
I too, have read, and researched effects of divorce on children. I know all that lies ahead. My XH should too, since his parents were divorced, but he thinks he turned out "good enough". I could never get him to read more than a page of the books I bought. Too convicting, and created guilt and doubt in his decision to leave.
Ok, I have gone on way too long, but I so appreciate this place. No one else really understands the day to day struggles that divorce brings.
I know one thing, for the sake of my health, and inorder to be around many years to influence my child, I have to get rid of the stress. I love my child enough to do all I can to stay strong, and create a great home for him. One of his parents needs to be the pillar, and that is me. You are too for your kids, and I hope you are getting to see them this very second.
