Deju vu, but new to the online forum...round 2

[Bolt]

hey mj!
I just read through both entire posts and have seen what you have been through.

I am by NO means a vet but I do hear some things in your posts that I truly think you have to get over.

One is to stay positive. Around your kids, your W and YOU! I know that is nearly impossible when you feel your life has just crumbled around you and you are sifting through the rubble. You're even thinking there's nobody in HAZMAT uniforms to help you out.

That's where you're a little wrong. YOU can definitely help yourself.

What I do is try to put myself in the other person's shoes. Put yourself in W's shoes. She's done. She's had it. She doesn't want to be around you; even says she doesn't love you.

So what happens when you come around? There's a mopey, negative attitude. There's someone trying to "help" her do things that she doesn't really need help with.

All that does is tick her off even more. It turns her off even more.

Why not come over and simply be there. Be with your kids and help with them. Let her do her own thing. I'm not saying to ignore her or not help if she asks; just don't go out of your way.

You take charge by not doing anything for her (unless she asks).

Please take a positive attitude with everything. I read all of your posts and there is a ton of desperation (TOTALLY understandable by the way). If SHE senses that, it's another turn off. Any conversations you have with her should remain positive EVEN if she isn't. EVEN if she isn't interested.

Dude, she was attracted to you at one point, right? Do you think if you acted the way you are now around her (clingy, mopey, expecting) would she have wanted to be with you then? I'm guessing no - that's the case with my W for sure.


Some other observations (realize too I'm NOT an expert):
Have zero expectations. I hear you when you say you don't but you do. When you do things for her and she gets upset and you don't understand, that's an expectation.

I think if you control your expectations down to nothing, you'll be better off.

Don't rely on W for happiness. I made this mistake (heck, I still occasionally make that mistake). It is very hard because right now, you think she is your everything. Believe me, that is NOT true. She helps to make your life more enjoyable, fun, happy but she isn't the only one. YOU are the only one who can make you happy.

What does that mean exactly? I think it means that you do the things you like to do. Go play guitar. Go see a movie. Ride mountain bikes. Whatever it is that you enjoy, do it! THAT is what will make you happy.

The thing you have to take from that is to not expect (there's that word again) your wife to either see it OR react to it. She may not. That's not why you are doing it.


I do not envy your sitch but realize that you are not alone either. A lot of us have either gone through this or are going through it. We can only help each other...