Detachment issues

[kissak]

Well said Eric I needed to read that too, for myself.

[AntoniaB]

I don't know what to do so for now I'm doing nothing. Get out the tissues people. This is bound to make you cry.

Things are wrapping up for me and H as far as the divorce and the legal issues. He is mailing the notice to proceed without a hearing in to the court tomorrow and I signed the loan to get a new mortgage and buy him out today. I have told him in the past 24 hours that I think it is best for me to not know where he moves to in the coming months (or to even know when he moves) because the more I know about his life, the more I imagine him with her, and it tears me apart. So I said I think we're coming to a point where when the dust settles, we need to stay out of each others' lives. I still have his phone in case of emergency, of course, but I don't see a reason for us to continue to have contact very soon. I told him what restaurants and stores I go to and said he could "have everything else" in his area and beyond and to just respect my privacy.

I got this in return:

I am typing this with tears running down my face. The thought of never seeing you again is painful to me. Probably as painful as you thinking about me in my new life is to you. Susan, you are a wonderful, intelligent, attractive, and fascinating woman and it was I who failed in our marriage. I walked out the door. The failure falls squarely on my shoulders. I take the blame for the demise of our marriage. I am a different person now than I was then and I think it took me enacting the destruction of our marriage to transform. Just as this process has transformed you it has transformed me. I am still in the process myself. I see my flaws and I am learning to control them. I am not yet 100% successful. Maybe I never will be but I hope to get better. I see my irrational thoughts and emotions and I keep them in check. I am sorry for the damage and the pain I have caused in your life and I hope you can forgive me. I know that you have moved on and I hope you are excited about your future. You have many things to offer the world and hopefully the world will reward you. You deserve better than what I did to you.

I am optimistic about my future. I am in the best place mentally that I have been in a long time. I realize now that I have a lot left to give and learn and I am excited to see where life takes me. If you ever need to contact me for any reason please feel free to do so. It isn't a sign of "weakness". It is what remains of a bond that I broke and tarnished. Everyone's lives are made better by their contact with good people. You are a good person and you have touched my life in a positive way. I will always cherish the good times and have no desire to blot them out. The good and the bad have made me who I am and I need to learn to love that person. Please don't think I am a bastard for saying these things now. I just wanted to end on a good note.

Love,

Darren

I left our real names here because he doesn't know about this board. He isn't going to look. And because this is who we are.

I just don't know what to do or say to him. I am at a loss. I don't have any illusions about this. He is not going to choose me. I know this in my heart.

This is the first and only time he has said "love" to me since he left. And yet I still know that I have lost him.

What kind of world is it where 2 people who love each other this much cannot be together? I just don't understand.

[Augtan]

Susan, I am in tears for you, really, I am!! I have no idea what kind of world this is, but it is one that has created people such as your STBXH and that is just beyond sad. I am so sorry this is what you are living and is your reality! You will get better each and everyday, and you will one day be whole enough to find someone who is healthy and as great as you are to start a new life together! My thoughts and prayer are with you!

A

[AntoniaB]

I replied to him. It's a long reply--and it is an outpouring of my heart and soul. I feel good about it. I feel clear. I feel that there is zero manipulation in my reply and I have no expectations of anything. The gist of my reply says that I have forgiven him in my heart; that I love him unconditionally, and that I know this now because I love him despite the fact that that love will never be reciprocated. I can't deny it. I can't destroy those feelings for him. They are there despite everything. I can't change it.

I said it is because I feel that way still and know that our relationship, if there is anything left to it, is one-sided, that I have to permanently let him go. That I have a wound so deep that bled and bled, and that now it's bleeding less, but that continuing to see him or have contact on a little scale or even know where he ends up living is going to make my wound bleed worse because it will be a constant reminder that I love him in a way that he can't love me. And so with that, I have to let him go.

I think that this was the thing I needed to realize and learn to move on with my life. I can't destroy the love I have for him, so I'm going to stop trying. But I also can't continue to have him in my life in any way because it's going to destroy me. And even though I can see that this hurts him, and it's hurting me, I have to walk away.

[Lorie1964]

My heart goes out to you, as I too feel the same about my H. I know that H would say these same words if he ever comes out of MLC. I just pray he doesn't want a D at the time. You are a good person and I know that one day you will be whole again.

(((HUGS)))

[irishblessings]

I am so sorry Antonia. I know how difficult this must be for you.

You know, as I read your H's note I can't help but feel this is another example of an MLCr cutting their losses and running. Of course he feels better mentally - he does not have to face the TRUTH of the devastation of his actions. I truly believe that the only way to right the wrongs is to make amends to the person they betrayed/left/etc. The true strength comes in making the choice to right the wrongs - making the choice to work on the marriage with the same energy they use to cheat.

You deserve better Antonia - and I believe that you will have the happiness you deserve!

[beatrice]

I am very sorry for what you are going through.

This sort of talk from the MLCer is tough to read, harder in some ways than the meanness. But much of it is meaningless. That is not to suggest that your h didn't have those feelings when he wrote the words, but words only have real force if we act on what we have said. And they don't. It is all about them. He is trying to make imself feel good by trying to make you feel good.

I think you would be better in every way to stay out his life while he deals with his issues which he fondly and self delusionally thinks he is doing. He is still running fast, and has found a ledge while chaos rains down on him.

I completely agree with IB. These crises take years not months to play out, and you have to protect yourself and grow during that time. You are an amazing woman, and no sane man would leave, he would recognise there were issues and address them Weasle words are just not good enough for you. You deserve better than this.

[AntoniaB]

So is what he's doing now still MLC script? Or is this not a hallmark of MLC? I guess where I am confused is that I've seen him break down in front of me spontaneously several times and he's even admitting to me that he cried as he wrote this, and I haven't seen that side of him since before he left the first time. He's always been so cool and collected since he got with the OW. This breaking down and the accompanying owning up to what he did and the frequent apologies are all new. In the beginning, it was all MY fault and I got all the blame. Now he's sounding like he is taking on all of it. He told me that he expects to be very saddened by the divorce and expects to "cry all day" over "his failure" and doesn't see the divorce being final as changing anything in terms of his feelings about regret, and he doesn't "celebrate" it at all in terms of seeing it as him being "free" to be in his relationship with her.

What I find unusual is that it is only since I have said I don't want to know where you live after you move and I want us to cease contact permanently (and this time when I say it, it's pretty obvious that I mean it) that this "side" of him came out. I am shocked that he would say that he thinks the thought of not seeing me ever again hurts him potentially as bad as the way I hurt over him being with someone else. Really?

Is what I'm seeing here from him that now HE feels rejected or abandoned by me? And do you think he never expected that this would be the way it would end up?

After I replied to him last night to say that I still had a powerful love for him and that because of that, I needed him to be out of my life for good because it was too painful to have him in it, he wrote back AGAIN and he said this:

"You're right and I know it's for the best. I think I always thought that we could somehow continue to have a friendship but now I realize that would be selfish and cruel of me. I can't continue to cause you pain like that and I wont ask that of you. Your observations are dead on and now that I see your point of view I respect your request. I've always felt compassion for you over for what I did. I just couldn't show it because I had to help you to let go. I just wanted to let you know before I didn't have the chance to do so. I hope these revelations haven't hurt you in anyway. They were my attempt to give you some comfort and I hope that they have.
My life is better for having known you and I will never speak badly of you. I'm not sure how to end this. I hope everything that comes your way from now on brings you happiness.

With love"

I guess what I don't understand is that I feel like this man still has an enormous connection to me that now that I've threatened it and said I don't want you in my life at all, he's scared and rejected. But if he REALLY LOVES THIS OW, as he says he does, saying she is better for him than me, that she is what he needs, that she is the right decision for him for the rest of his life, then HOW can he also still have this connection to me? How can those two things coexist? Am I supposed to believe him when he says all he feels for me is friendship? Why is he signing his emails love and with love now? Is he patronizing me? I just don't know what to think anymore other than that he has issues.

But maybe he doesn't have issues. Maybe we just are star-crossed lovers (of the past) meant to fail.

The reason I say that is that he is right about one thing. Being abandoned by him destroyed me to such a degree that the old me "died." I had a lot of emotional problems and anxiety and fear and I was NOT HAPPY with myself. I was filled with self-doubt and self-hate and I was getting worse. I was neurotic as hell and I was on a very destructive path. It is only because of his affair that I had to start over and I am VERY happy with who I am now. I'm not kidding. I am a totally different person on the inside and I don't need a man to find happiness. I am incredibly self-reliant and I have so much in my life now that is wonderful that never would have been there if he hadn't betrayed me.

What I'm saying is that his affair destroyed me but it also forced me to be reborn, and this horrible event was the most horrible thing AND the best thing to ever happen to me.

I think it's better for me that he has run. None of what is good in my life would have been here if he hadn't done what he did.

But despite that, I don't know whether to harbor hope. There is a corner of my heart that still says to me that I "hope" he finds himself and when he does, finds that the OW is not his soulmate, that I am. Not the me from before. But me now. And I don't want him back as the guy he was before. I want him back if he "gets" what happened. If he grows up. If he gains his confidence and independence and sees this is all part of a larger picture.

But it also seems to me that living with that bit of hope is hanging onto something that has a chance in a million of coming to fruition.

And I guess that brings me to the biggest revelation of all in this whole week of catharsis for me. I think I have to believe in something bigger than me taking this over. I have struggled with faith my whole life, and I'm agnostic, but I am exhausted from the effort of holding this all together myself and I feel like I have to just try to cultivate trust that God or whatever power is going to make things right for me someday. I don't know what else to do anymore.

[Lorie1964]

And I guess that brings me to the biggest revelation of all in this whole week of catharsis for me. I think I have to believe in something bigger than me taking this over. I have struggled with faith my whole life, and I'm agnostic, but I am exhausted from the effort of holding this all together myself and I feel like I have to just try to cultivate trust that God or whatever power is going to make things right for me someday. I don't know what else to do anymore.

Sometimes handing things over to God or a higher power helps you to truly let go. I believe in God and have such Faith in following his will and it gives me so much peace. Whatever you believe, you have come so far and have will never go back. Just let go and let God! Just taking care of you is a great testament to loving His Child and allows some faith or belief to come to your heart.

I know many people go years on this path and even divorce and find themselves back together. I have a brother and SIL who are a testament to that fact. They were divorced for 5 years and then decided they wanted to work things out, even though they both had dated and found other loves in their life. But let this go and focus on you and continuing your growth.

[Walking]

Hi Antonia

I've been reading along with you for some months now and I've got to tell you that your growth and ability to understand that often as attractive as the path of least resistance is (eg having your husband in your life under any circumstances) it's rarely the healthiest option. You are making healthy choices every inch of the way - and I can feel how painful that is (I KNOW how painful it is), but it's right .... and it makes for compelling and inspiring reading.

And I guess that brings me to the biggest revelation of all in this whole week of catharsis for me. I think I have to believe in something bigger than me taking this over. I have struggled with faith my whole life, and I'm agnostic, but I am exhausted from the effort of holding this all together myself and I feel like I have to just try to cultivate trust that God or whatever power is going to make things right for me someday. I don't know what else to do anymore.

This is huge stuff, hey? I think it was Woody Allen who said "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans." (I'm not that thrilled about quoting Woody Allen, but I love that quote).

It's liberating when we truely get that everything is out of our control, except for how we react to things that happen. The ONLY thing we have any control over, ability to successfully manipulate or influence - the only thing we can have sureity of is our reaction to any given set of circumstances. Nothing is certain in this life. Nothing. No thing. Being abandoned by your partner is a big clue to that, ya know. You can be happily going along in your life, with a picture painted of what life will look like in 5 years, what it will look like in 10 years, etc ... and all of a sudden, a vandal slashes the picture and you're left to redraw it - minus one of the key characters.

There have been big floods near where I live this week. 12 people are confirmed dead (including two whole families and one little 4 year old boy who was washed away when he was helping to get his little brother rescued), 55 are missing, many of those are expected to be found dead. The whole CBD of Brisbane was flooded, all those commercial buildings and something like 7000 houses ... it's a mess. As I was watching the flooding it occurred to me how smug we are that we think we can contain nature. Nature is bigger than all of us and no matter how clever we are, her power will beat us every time. So it is with how we organise our lives. We think we've got it together, career is rocking, money's in the bank, house is organised, personal life is OK ... and then a flash flood takes your 4 year old, your house and everything you own.

That's an extreme example, but it happens to us too. We think if I just write the right words in this e-mail he might realise what a mistake he's made and come home. If I just finish this project and publish this article, I'll be successful and then I'll get a promotion and more research funding and then I'll ...... you know, the stories we tell ourselves. None of it is really in our control. Sure - you've got to do the work to put yourself in a position to take advantage of the opportunities when they come - but you've also got to do the work to gracefully accept that the story we told ourselves is not the only legitimate plot, storyline and climax.

I think it's about learning to accept that you've just got to go with the floodwater. There is something out there that is bigger than us and we can kick and fight against it all we want, but maybe we'd get where we're supposed to be going faster if we just let the universe take us.

Keep at it girl - and keep those thought pieces coming.

Cheers, V