I've been reading your thread all day on my Blackberry when I had a chance but haven't had a chance to reply until now.
Wow! After reading everyone's thoughts I am confused myself and I don't have the emotional involvement that you do, so I can imagine how you must feel. Of all of the comments I've read, the one that jumps out to me, and that I KNOW to be true is this:
Originally Posted By: PEImom_of_3
.........there is not room for 3 people in any relationship (even if the 3rd is left over emotions for your stbxW). It didn't work for your marriage and it won't work for any new relationship either.
I would like to provide a slightly different perspective, gained from many years as a single woman. I learned the hard way in my 20s to be very cautious of dating men who are separated from their wives (and not D'ed) or who are newly D'ed. My own rule of thumb is to not date men who have been D'ed less than one year. This is only MY rule, not trying to impose this on anyone here,....... I just learned the hard way that life was much simpler and less dramatic if I kept to this rule. One of the main reasons I have this rule is that I don't know if it is possible to know what a person is REALLY like when they are evolving and changing the way that people do after this kind of a crisis. You are without a doubt doing your best. You are striving to be honest with your new GF, but is it possible for you to reveal yourself to your new GF when you are transitioning in ways that continue to surprise you? That said, if you are honest with your new GF (and I don't doubt that you are), if you tell new GF that you are going through a transition period, you will have done what you can to communicate to her that you are changing right now.
This brings me to the main point that I wanted to convey to you. Your new GF is an adult woman, right? While I agree with what Jack and trapt said about being "careful with the woman you are currently seeing. I know you have a lot to think about, but is she really getting all of you right now?"......I would argue that she is a grown woman and knows the chance she is taking by dating a man in your position. All you can do is be honest with her to the best of your ability. I don't doubt that you are already doing that. That is the risk that we ALL take in trying to find that special someone,........ and even more so when emotions are so labile.
Thought about you quite a bit last night. I feel for you man. This shitt is tough stuff and it gives a whole new perspective on the commonly used phrased "it takes a long time." Hell, I'm coming up on the two year post D mark and there are STILL things that come up and need to be dealt with. I had a wonderful conversation with a mutual friend last night about some of the things we face after the dust has settled and we begin to rebuild so to speak.
I'm glad to see you still posting, asking questions, growing and still trying to find the best possible answers as you move forward in life. We don't get to see a whole lot of that on here.
Not to beat a dead horse or anything, but bare with me for a second. Let's try to keep things as simple as we can when it comes to the dinner invite.
You asked her last week if a D is what she wanted, she said yes. She told you that she hopes you two can still be "friends." This is where the MLCishness really shines through. We don't really need to argue the fact that it's crazy that you two are still affectionate, and that you are getting along well right now. You can over analyze this for a long time and get nowhere. Probably has a lot to do with her insecurity and twisted way of viewing relationships, not to even mention the fact that you two were together for a long time and have shared so many things.
Accepting what and where you currently are is key.
She wants a D.
She wants to be "friends."
You told her you can't/won't do that. (Be "friends") Which is true, you can't keep this up and expect to move forward in life and be in a healthy committed relationship with someone else.
IMO, you are being tested right now. Plain and simple. This happens alot. I like how Grit put it, "this better be a pretty damn good dinner."
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
This brings me to the main point that I wanted to convey to you. Your new GF is an adult woman, right? While I agree with what Jack and trapt said about being "careful with the woman you are currently seeing. I know you have a lot to think about, but is she really getting all of you right now?"......I would argue that she is a grown woman and knows the chance she is taking by dating a man in your position.
I guess we can agree to disagree on this one. This is not a knock agaist Missher at all either. He has walked through this hell beautifully so far. It is HIS RESPONSIBILTY to come through this happy, healed and whole once again.
You can't place ANY of this on the woman he is dating. You can't expect to date someone with some sort of "disclaimer" so to speak. It would be so wrong for him to go into this with a "well she should know what she's getting into" kind of midset.
No way and FTR, I've had a few women ask me how long I'd been D'd when I first started dated and even after a year POST D. Some still thought that was too soon to get serious. My guess is, those are the ones who had either been through a D themselves or had made the mistake of jumping into a R too soon and had it fail because of this.
Again, I'm not knocking you Missher, it's just the reality of the situation you find yourself in. Are there exceptions? Absolutely! Is everyone different? Sure!
Take your time and be careful buddy. These questions you face are normal and they are TOUGH!! Tough is good! Tough is examining yourself and doing what's right.
If it were easy, you'd be thinking like a walk away does.
Just wanted to go back to the dating thing for a sec.
Fun casual dating is great as long as you're crystal clear about that with her. It's the serious, "next level" stuff that requires a great deal of care, patience, and honesty.
Fun casual dating is great as long as you're crystal clear about that with her. It's the serious, "next level" stuff that requires a great deal of care, patience, and honesty.
I agree. I think it's important to differentiate between casual dating and a serious committed relationship.
Originally Posted By: trapt
Oh edit button... please come back.
pssssst ... hey Jack ... anything you can do about that ^^^ ???
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
really shines through. We don't really need to argue the fact that it's crazy that you two are still affectionate, and that you are getting along well right now. You can over analyze this for a long time and get nowhere. Probably has a lot to do with her insecurity and twisted way of viewing relationships, not to even mention the fact that you two were together for a long time and have shared so many things.