Am I piecing? Just can't tell 2...

[Sad_but_happy]

I am doing things different Bond. And yes she is in IC.

I am much more thoughtful, help around the house, more supportive roll with kids, give little gifts (she likes that), make the bed every day, bring her tea every morning while shes getting ready. The other day I suprised her at work and brought her favorite soup at lunch. I didn't stay, I just dropped it off and left as she was working. She said the other girls thought it was sooo sweet. She texted me right away and thanked me for the thought.

I am doing the things I did when corting her. I'm not being a doormat. I'm just doing those thoughtful things that take almost no effort but bring a sense of love.

I think that is why things have progressed so fast. She sees the changes and they have been constant for months.

Gotta keep it up through my fears. As I have said before. I love this forum to vent. Because at home I am a different person.

[MrBond]

Well keep the changes going. I think sometimes a little too much C is too much. Then it becomes a matter of just living. Maybe try to think of something so out of the box that it would knock her out of her funk. Like planning a far away getaway for just the two of you. Of course only when you feel that the time is right.

[MynameisMZ]

Sandi2,

I bit the bullet and started a thread of my own for my own story. Hard to write, great therapy though....
It's in Midlife Crisis and titled
"Piecing via shoots and ladders."
H is in MLC
OW is gone - moved!
I struggle with intrusive thoughts and visions.

You make a good point about SBH letting his W work through her feelings. As hard as it is, I need to accept that my H may be doing that too......even though I DO think OW was certifiably crazy. She did a very scary thing to me. THAT'S when he woke up. Why is it the crazy ones get their attention? I think anyone wanting a married person has a screw loose somewhere..... Just MHO.

MZ

[MynameisMZ]

"I find it odd that I wanted out for YEARS and all of a sudden, I'm faced with OM and I magically can't live without W? I am trying to reconcile that in my mind... I know I don't want to hurt my children. Do any of you out there feel the same or have the same questions in your minds?"

Yes, I do.....

My H and I had a very close R/M and we got complacent. After 20 yrs I took our M for granted. I enjoy a wonderful career and H never pursued his potential. Although very bright, he always took the easy way. Now H is in MLC and feeling like his life is a waste, he's a failure/fraud. I was bored with him. I distanced and buried myself in work....that was my A. He got OW. Yeah...it woke me up. Last MC session he said about his A, "If it wasn't for the A, we wouldn't be here fixing this. If the [OW & R] had been wonderful, I wouldn't be here."

Is it Whitaker out of Chicago (family therapist) who believes the couple unconsciously elects one to go out and have an A to stir things up?

My M sure needed a jump-start....OW is gone and we are piecing now....I sure didn't want it to happen this way, but here we are!

[sandi2]

Sandi, did your H ask you at some point or did you voluntarily give up pics, delete emails, etc?

The first time he confronted me, he told me I needed to delete anything I had, and I did. However, in my case...I went deeper uncover so he couldn't find my emails. But my EA was not with a local person. I never met him in person. My EA lasted longer than your W's b/c I did not want my fantasy to end.

You asked about why your feelings suddenly changed toward wanting your W so badly after discovering OM. Even though I've not been a LBS, I know human nature. OM was a "challenge" for you to win the female! You thought you didn't want her until somebody else showed a desire for her....then she began to look more valuable.

I am doing the things I did when corting her. I'm not being a doormat. I'm just doing those thoughtful things that take almost no effort but bring a sense of love.

I don't see that being a doormat at all. Is acts of service her LL? How about flowers & small gifts? There are many things you could do to inspire her feelings. But, I would suggest you start out slow & easy to test the waters and see how she responds.

Oh, and let me give you a tip about the girls in the office where she works. Sending something to her on special occasions is great and the women will carrying on about it (which your W will like that). But if you were to suddenly start sending flowers without the calendar indicating you should, those women will start drilling your W trying to find out "why" she's getting them. Women can be very nosey.

I have an idea. Valentine day will be coming up soon. Don't send any flowers or candy before then. Concentrate on acts of service, but think of little "surprises" you could buy or do (whatever works), and let that "build up" to Feb. 14th. Then have something very special planned for the two of you on the weekend of Valentine's. Here's the tricky part, you will need to watch her body language and if you see her withdrawing....put the breaks on. If she's not ready for ML, then she'll feel tense about any romantic dinners or get-away weekend. So, to protect your own feelings, you may want to plan something that is on the lighter side of romance.

When there has not be any sex in a while, and the H suddenly takes her to a nice hotel or out to a beautiful restraunt....she thinks it's b/c he's wanting to prep her for sex. And, he is. (lol) So, your test will be to stay away from R talk, and follow her lead to see how things go. You should know your W well enough to tell if she's responding all warm & loving....and if you need to take it a step further.

This could be a big gamble if you get too wrapped up in the outcome. Don't set yourself up for disappointment! The entire weekend could be a time of just having fun and relaxing with each other. Have little surprises along the way throughout the weekend......letting it build up to the big one. You could plan it for Sunday night, or send flowers to her workplace Monday, which would be the 14th,......anyway, just some thoughts. I don't know if she's ready for all that or not.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

This could be a big gamble if you get too wrapped up in the outcome. Don't set yourself up for disappointment!

Listen to Sandi on this.

If you do this, expecting an outcome, i.e. her being all grateful, or lets face it having sex, then don't do it.

If you do this simply to do this and make a nice gesture with no strings attached? Then go for it.

[Sad_but_happy]

Thanks all... I appreciate the feedback. I haven't expected sex for a long time. I'm just coasting and doing the best I can. We started a new book last night. It's called "his needs, her needs". W made the comment that we will need to buy it so we can continue to read over and over. We are only 10 pages in but it's a great book.

When spooning after the reading she backed into me more then she ever has. She was also rubbing my arm while falling asleep.

I'm just trying to read her body language and respond accordingly. I think my pace is dead on.

She will be away until Monday and I have a business trip so I will not see her till Thursday.

Out of sight out of mind? No way! I plan on putting a little gift in her bag for the weekend trip and sending a pajamagram while I'm away. OM will not slip into her head!

[hope2011]

WTG, Sad, seems you're doing all the right stuff and making great progress!!!!!

[sandi2]

When spooning after the reading she backed into me more then she ever has. She was also rubbing my arm while falling asleep.

Very good! IMO, a woman will do that as she feels more relaxed in the situation. If she felt pressured or thought you would try to jump her bones, I don't think she would be moving in closer and giving your arm strokes.

When she lays close
facing you, instead of turning her back to spoon, then you know she's made another step.

[sandi2]

BTW, "His Needs, Her Needs".....great book.