Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[hope2011]

I really dislike this moderation stuff. I understand the need for it but us newbies are in the desperate phase and having to wait for posts and responses makes it harder.

Case in point... I need someone to stop me from doing stupid stuff. Yes, I know I'm adult and responsible for my own behavior but my judgment is obviously flawed right now.

I've been talking to a girlfriend going through similar issues in her marriage. I e-mail her a lot and even copy her on stuff I post here. It's nice to get feedback from someone who is going through the same thing but who also knows me and H and our personalities and the situation more. So I sent her this this morning:

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I've been doing a lot of soul searching while laying in bed sick. You know I wear my heart on my sleeve (obviously, or I wouldn't have such a big mouth). I say how I feel, I let all my emotions out. I have no emotional restraint at all. The past few weeks of biting my tongue have shut my mouth and opened my eyes. I needed that, for me.

Reading some of the books on life, relationships, faith... started reading one on Love & Respect a few weeks ago really hits me hard. It's about how women need love, but men need respect. It's simple but true. I loved him, with all my heart but I can see so many ways I didn't respect him, didn't thank him, didn't make him feel like a man by thanking him for things like paying the bills, taking care of the house, fixing something, just working every day and keeping a roof over our heads. I never said thank you to him for half the stuff he does. I was truly an ungrateful wife. I didn't mean to be, I truly didn't. I just didn't think about it. When we were dating, I was his biggest cheerleader and I continued to be after we got married until he would get so stressed and lose his temper and yell, then I'd yell back and it would be WWIII. I look at how things have been the past few weeks when I haven't yelled back but kept my calm and.... we were getting closer. Then I found out about the site and lost it. Instead of changing my ways and praising him for everything he's been trying to do, I just found another thing to complain about, to make him feel horrible about. I know he went to that site looking for someone, any one to make him feel better about himself, to give him hope of being happy again. That person should've been me and I failed.

And just when I figure all this out, it may be too late.

I'm not excusing him at all. He's hurt me badly, making some big mistakes, and he's a jerk sometimes too. He's human, so am I. But I can't honestly say that half of it isn't my fault. He warned me several times about working too much, work taking over the house, needing to get out more, etc. I made some changes but didn't make the biggest ones. I put work before my marriage, I didn't respect him, I didn't shut my mouth when I should have and just let him be upset when he needed to be but I escalated it. Every time. I started to expect him to hurt me and mess up... based mostly on my past and nothing to do with him. I've let my pain and my anger and my needs outweigh his for a long time. I am just as much to blame as he is. But my biggest mistake.... when I was supportive, when I did listen to him and tried harder... things were amazing between us. He was kind, thoughtful, compassionate, loving, generous, supportive. The man I married. And I know he was happy too. I know he felt loved too. I knew this but I still threw it all away to complain and he'd get defensive and I'd get defensive. I married someone just like me in that way. I know all the triggers, all the problems, all the ways to solve things. I just had faith that we'd get through this, come out on the other side together and live happily ever after. That he knew I was human too and that our love was unconditional, that we believed in each other. Now, I realize that he didn't believe that I believed in him. Even after everything, I still do. I still have hope that he believes in me too. That he'll realize some new woman may like him, but that I love him, know him, know everything about him and believe in him and that's worth more.

There's something freeing in figuring all this out, because know I know that I can do this. I can make a relationship work - I have hope of being happy again, of having love again. I'm learning from all this and I never repeat the same mistakes twice. And I'm learning that I love him... enough to let him go. And that I appreciate all this mess because it woke me up. Enough to shut my mouth and listen and learn. The past few weeks of not yelling back, but really listening... the whole dynamic has changed. I wish I would've figured it out earlier but I didn't. I wish he'd see that now, but he doesn't. He's moved on, without me. He doesn't believe in me anymore. But that's ok, I still believe in me. And I still believe in him. That doesn't make me a fool or in denial... that makes me true to my heart. And it makes me free to look to the future, with or without him. I have appts today to look at places, I have a good support system in place, I have great friends, my family, my job. I've survived worse, I can make it through this too. I lost a child, I lost my first marriage... this should be a speedbump, right? H was the love of my life... he was. I truly believe all this happens for a reason. Maybe God is trying to bring us closer together, maybe God is preparing us for something else. But I am grateful that I am learning, that something good will come from this.

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A lot I already posted here but some other stuff too. She calls me and tells me "you HAVE to send him this". This is everything he needs to hear. She pushes and pushes and I give in. I forward it to him. His response:

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Thank you
I don't want a divorce
I love you and only you

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I respond "I love you too. Come home".

He responds that he's out of town, visiting some clients. 3 hours away. But his laptop and work stuff is on his desk.

I haven't responded.

I don't know what to say or do now.