Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[Sad_but_happy]

((((hope))))

The grass is not greener hope and he will see that some day. It's amazing what people give up! Look at all of us! Loving so unconditionally that we are willing to endure such pain and our WAS let us go. That kind of love is rare and our WAS will see that when it's too late.

Ithis site should have a dating component in the "life after divorce" area. There would be so many happy new unions.

MDW, make sure you don't steal that idea... Lol!

[hope2011]

H was nicer yesterday. I guess he feels free now. Me, I am sick as hell. I can't keep food down at all. I think it's a combination food poisoning and stress. I'm dehydrated but trying to avoid seeing a doctor. I'm drinking lots of gatoraid and taking tums and pepto and other OTC medicines. I hate being sick, especially when I need to look my best, be my best, get myself together.

Last night I went to bed at 6:00. H saw me go to the bedroom, said I looked like a ghost. I told him I didn't feel good and was going to bed and that he'd have to take care of dinner for the boys. He said ok, made dinner (which he does half the time anyway - he's always been good about house stuff) and bought a plate into the bedroom, asking me if I thought I could eat anything. I said no, I really couldn't, but thank you. An hour later he came in to check on me, asked me how I was feeling. I said "not good" and asked if he'd please do me a favor and make a run to the pharmacy. Not only did he say yes, he went immediately, got what I asked for (medicine) and came back with a huge bag full of gatorade and other stuff. He checked on me twice, felt my forehead for a fever and slept in our room last night (he was on the sofa the night before). I told him thank you for everything and that I appreciated it. I tried not to overdo the gratitude, but I did want to positively reinforce what he did. In our 4 years together, he has never taken care of me while sick. I've never been this sick before with him. Between being sick and worn out... and some comfort thinking me may care about me just a little bit... I actually got a good night's sleep for the first time in over a week.

This morning he got up at 6 am, took a shower and took the boys to school at 7. Usually he just goes in his sweats and showers when he gets home. It's now 10 am, he's not home yet. He should've been home by 8. He didn't take any work stuff with him, didn't wear his sweats as his boots are still by the door. His bottle of cologne is on the bathroom counter so I know he shaved, smells good, etc.

I can't help but think he's meeting someone for coffee this morning, meeting with a lawyer or looking at apartments. I did a 180 and didn't call him and ask where he was or if he was ok. I did text "thank you for taking care of me last night". He responded immediately "are you feeling any better?". I said yes and left it at that. I lied of course, I'm still sick but who wants a clingy, whiny, sick wife? I didn't ask when he was coming home or anything else. I kept it short.

Reading some of the books this morning, trying to calm my imagination... the Love & Respect one really hits me hard. I can see so many ways I didn't respect him, didn't thank him, didn't make him feel like a man. I never said thank you to him for half the stuff he does. I was truly an ungrateful wife. I didn't mean to be, I truly didn't. I just didn't think about it. When we were dating, I was his biggest cheerleader and I continued to be after we got married until he would get so stressed and lose his temper and yell, then I'd yell back and it would be WWIII. I look at how things have been the past few weeks when I haven't yelled back but kept my calm and even though he's been on that dating site the whole time.... we were getting closer. He was opening up more. He was being more thoughtful. He was wanted to spend time with me. Then I found out about the site and lost it. I shouldn't have told him I knew, I shouldn't have changed his passwords. He pulled away again and asked for the D again. Instead of changing my ways and praising him for everything he's been trying to do, I just found another thing to complain about, to make him feel horrible about. I know he went to that site looking for someone, any one to make him feel better about himself, to give him hope of being happy again. That person should've been me and I failed.

And just when I figure all this out, it may be too late.

I'm still drinking gatorade. Got myself up and showered and dressed. Going to look at some office spaces today for work, to get the office out of my house. Something I've wanted to do for years but just now able to afford. Once I have an office, I can get 2 interns to take a lot of work load off of my shoulders. Again, something I've wanted to do for years. The H never thought it would happen. So much he never thought would happen, I'm finally making happen but now it's too late. I run a charity, have for 15 years. Volunteered until 2 months ago, when the board finally approved a salary for me and I got to quit my other job and just have 1 job. I started a more regular schedule and now I'm moving the office out of my house finally. H never had faith in me, didn't think I wanted those things even though I have told him for 4 years that was my goal. Now it's here and I'm proud of myself for accomplishing this but it almost seems empty now without a family. That's the hardest part - losing a husband and 2 kids. Not just a marriage but a family. There will be no visitation rights for me, no chance to remain in their lives as a parent. I'm just stepmom. I never wanted to date someone with kids because I feared this so much and here it is. Both my biggest fears (being cheated on and losing my kids) come to life. At the same time as some of my dreams with work.

[hope2011]

I really dislike this moderation stuff. I understand the need for it but us newbies are in the desperate phase and having to wait for posts and responses makes it harder.

Case in point... I need someone to stop me from doing stupid stuff. Yes, I know I'm adult and responsible for my own behavior but my judgment is obviously flawed right now.

I've been talking to a girlfriend going through similar issues in her marriage. I e-mail her a lot and even copy her on stuff I post here. It's nice to get feedback from someone who is going through the same thing but who also knows me and H and our personalities and the situation more. So I sent her this this morning:

----------------------------

I've been doing a lot of soul searching while laying in bed sick. You know I wear my heart on my sleeve (obviously, or I wouldn't have such a big mouth). I say how I feel, I let all my emotions out. I have no emotional restraint at all. The past few weeks of biting my tongue have shut my mouth and opened my eyes. I needed that, for me.

Reading some of the books on life, relationships, faith... started reading one on Love & Respect a few weeks ago really hits me hard. It's about how women need love, but men need respect. It's simple but true. I loved him, with all my heart but I can see so many ways I didn't respect him, didn't thank him, didn't make him feel like a man by thanking him for things like paying the bills, taking care of the house, fixing something, just working every day and keeping a roof over our heads. I never said thank you to him for half the stuff he does. I was truly an ungrateful wife. I didn't mean to be, I truly didn't. I just didn't think about it. When we were dating, I was his biggest cheerleader and I continued to be after we got married until he would get so stressed and lose his temper and yell, then I'd yell back and it would be WWIII. I look at how things have been the past few weeks when I haven't yelled back but kept my calm and.... we were getting closer. Then I found out about the site and lost it. Instead of changing my ways and praising him for everything he's been trying to do, I just found another thing to complain about, to make him feel horrible about. I know he went to that site looking for someone, any one to make him feel better about himself, to give him hope of being happy again. That person should've been me and I failed.

And just when I figure all this out, it may be too late.

I'm not excusing him at all. He's hurt me badly, making some big mistakes, and he's a jerk sometimes too. He's human, so am I. But I can't honestly say that half of it isn't my fault. He warned me several times about working too much, work taking over the house, needing to get out more, etc. I made some changes but didn't make the biggest ones. I put work before my marriage, I didn't respect him, I didn't shut my mouth when I should have and just let him be upset when he needed to be but I escalated it. Every time. I started to expect him to hurt me and mess up... based mostly on my past and nothing to do with him. I've let my pain and my anger and my needs outweigh his for a long time. I am just as much to blame as he is. But my biggest mistake.... when I was supportive, when I did listen to him and tried harder... things were amazing between us. He was kind, thoughtful, compassionate, loving, generous, supportive. The man I married. And I know he was happy too. I know he felt loved too. I knew this but I still threw it all away to complain and he'd get defensive and I'd get defensive. I married someone just like me in that way. I know all the triggers, all the problems, all the ways to solve things. I just had faith that we'd get through this, come out on the other side together and live happily ever after. That he knew I was human too and that our love was unconditional, that we believed in each other. Now, I realize that he didn't believe that I believed in him. Even after everything, I still do. I still have hope that he believes in me too. That he'll realize some new woman may like him, but that I love him, know him, know everything about him and believe in him and that's worth more.

There's something freeing in figuring all this out, because know I know that I can do this. I can make a relationship work - I have hope of being happy again, of having love again. I'm learning from all this and I never repeat the same mistakes twice. And I'm learning that I love him... enough to let him go. And that I appreciate all this mess because it woke me up. Enough to shut my mouth and listen and learn. The past few weeks of not yelling back, but really listening... the whole dynamic has changed. I wish I would've figured it out earlier but I didn't. I wish he'd see that now, but he doesn't. He's moved on, without me. He doesn't believe in me anymore. But that's ok, I still believe in me. And I still believe in him. That doesn't make me a fool or in denial... that makes me true to my heart. And it makes me free to look to the future, with or without him. I have appts today to look at places, I have a good support system in place, I have great friends, my family, my job. I've survived worse, I can make it through this too. I lost a child, I lost my first marriage... this should be a speedbump, right? H was the love of my life... he was. I truly believe all this happens for a reason. Maybe God is trying to bring us closer together, maybe God is preparing us for something else. But I am grateful that I am learning, that something good will come from this.

---------------------

A lot I already posted here but some other stuff too. She calls me and tells me "you HAVE to send him this". This is everything he needs to hear. She pushes and pushes and I give in. I forward it to him. His response:

--------------------------

Thank you
I don't want a divorce
I love you and only you

--------------------------

I respond "I love you too. Come home".

He responds that he's out of town, visiting some clients. 3 hours away. But his laptop and work stuff is on his desk.

I haven't responded.

I don't know what to say or do now.

[dbmod]

I really dislike this moderation stuff. I understand the need for it but us newbies are in the desperate phase and having to wait for posts and responses makes it harder.

We don't really like it much either, but it's necessary at this time. I apologize for the stress it causes you. We've added a moderator to help expedite things, and he is a great DBer as well. We hope that we will be able to eliminate this need in the near future.

[dbmod]

Hang tight. Wait for his response. Then -- do not answer immediately. It's so easy to shoot off a response, but it's better to think through it.

[Denver_2010]

I wish that my W had written that letter to me during the 10 months that we were so disconnected emotionally...

Yes Hope, men need to feel respected and appreciated by their S. How you describe the way that you did not treat H that way hit home with me as to how I felt treated by my W during that 10 months. And it caused me to spiral downward just as it sounds like your H has. I didn't act out on my feelings as far as leaving M, but eventually drove my W to leave bc of my depression...

But how, maybe, hopefully, you have an opportunity to show your H what you have learned.

Good Luck Hope

[hope2011]

Roller coaster in full swing.

I didn't respond. He called an hour later to "check in" and thanked me for the e-mail. He came home 2 hours later, full of paperwork from his job. Thank goodness so I can put the fear that he was with someone else yesterday to rest. He had a work problem so he was working until 7pm to fix it and the paperwork. I gave him his space.

I'm STILL sick. Ugh. Going to the doctor for IV fluids this afternoon if I'm not better. I just can't get a handle on this dehydration now.

He came to bed and held me a bit, has been sweet. No R talk. Just thanked me again for the e-mail. I thanked him for his e-mail and he said "it was nothing compared to what you wrote". He suggested we get away with the boys this weekend and go skiing (not too far from us) - I've never been. Me being sick has prevented that from happening and now he's disappointed. Thankfully one of the boys has a prior engagement tomorrow so all the blame of not going isn't on my shoulders. If I'm up to it, I'll suggest something else like bowling or the movies tonight. I'm trying not to be a drag. I hate being sick!!!

So right now, I'm trying to just be pleasant, not negative at all, trying not to complain about being sick. The boys missed curfew last night, I didn't say a word and let him handle it (he did really well) and supported him on what he said to them. A 180 from me being upset and worried sick about them until they got home.

I am so grateful for his e-mail... I cried for half an hour after I got it... but I know better than to relax right now. DB'ing and piecing is just beginning. I have a lot of work to do and a lot of tip-toeing and a lot of changes to make and mostly... I need to get a lot of faith in him and that he won't hurt me again and I have to do that without making him feel that way. I know it can all fall to pieces again at any moment if I backslide. This is a good step forward but I know all too well that WAS's take 1 step forward and 2 back (remember that I DB'd for 2 yrs with last marriage and didn't work so I know!). I'm cautiously optimistic and scared to death.

[hope2011]

And back down we go...

So I suggested that do something together this afternoon. I tried cards, games, movie, bowling, go karts, a ton of stuff. Anything near a bathroom in case I get sick (didn't say that part of course!). The boys said no to everything. They wanted to go to the batting cage. Which means they go and we sit or their dad hits too. He decides to go hit. Which means me sitting on the sidelines, doing nothing for an hour. I can't even see them to cheer them on. That's what they chose and off they went, without me. Asked if I wanted to go but what am I to do? I get they are teenagers but we never spend time together as a family much anymore. They are always "bored", on their phones, or want to go play sports. I am at every game, always there to cheer them on. Always. But I'm always on the sidelines, watching H and his sons have fun. Here I am again. He muttered on his way out the door "you never want to do anything". Huh?!?!? I'm trying here, I am. I do whatever they want, all the time. Playing cards together the other night was the first time in months they sat down to do something together other than watch a movie or play sports. What am I to do? I feel like a 3rd wheel. I get involved in their stuff but they keep picking stuff I can't be a part of. Now I'm a stick in the mud. I'm sick and still trying. I even asked if we could do something as a family when they are done and H responded "ok, peachy" sarcastically.

This is the part about DB that I hate... doing whatever it takes to appease the WAS, when they don't seem to care about us at all.

I swear, I'm questioning my own sanity. He's mean and wants a D.... I want to fix it. He calms down and then I start to hate him. Ugh!!!!!!!! I'm trying to keep the ego out of it, trying to focus on him and his wants, etc and show my 180's. But give a girl a break? Mad that I didn't want to go sit outside in January, freezing, twiddling my thumbs while sick to not even be able to see or hear them in the batting cages? This isn't fair.

[hope2011]

I kept a positive attitude around him last night and today so far so doing well. They came home yesterday from batting practice and we went out to eat, rented movies (their pick) and played Scattegories with the boys for a half hour before H got bored. Today, they are back at the batting cage with a baseball coach, H is with them.

Last night, H and I snuggled at my request. This morning, we ML but there was no love from him there. No attending my needs, no kissing, nothing that would show he loves me and it wasn't just sex for him. First time we ML since Christmas so I'm trying to look at that positive.... at least he wants me and isn't looking elsewhere. But it still hurts. I'd still like to be wanted for me, loved, have him reach out to me to show affection. I miss him. I guess is this is step closer to happier so I'll take it. I just had higher hopes after the e-mails that things would be a bit better. I'm focused on him, making him happy, making him want to stay and work on the marriage. I need to focus on me more without pushing him away. It's awful lonely even with him here and I need to stop dwelling on that. I need to GAL still and keep the changes going and the 180's. I feel desperate, clingy, insecure and I hate it and it's hard not to show it. DB, DB, DB... focus on me a bit more and meets my own needs too.

[wanda15]

Hugs to you Hope. I definately know that head spinning, what the heck am I doing syndrome. You feel like you are on a merry-go-round and nobody will let you off.

I found I was feeling that way when my H walked out on me 4 years ago. Sometimes you just have to walk away for an hour or two. When things are spinning just stop talking and go for a walk or go get some coffee. But get out and get some fresh air. try to breathe.

Sometimes the simplest things help clear your head and help you focus on your main goal. (whatever it might be) I hate that nasty feeling you get in your stomach when everything seems wrong. Just keep smiling and make sure you take some time for you.