Lighthouse lit till WAW comes out of fog.

[MrBond]

Oh and my W isn't the type to talk about her feelings. In fact she stuffs them so far down that she says she doesn't remember alot of the things she said and did in the beginning to me.

I heard it all: I was a bad father, unattractive, only got married because it was the right thing to do, I was NEVER happy, etc. Then there came a point where I said - you know what, none of that is true and I started to call her out on her BS. That's when things started to turn around. Slowly, but the shift was still there.

Oh yeah and I also had the OM come to my working place to get me fired for supposedly harassing him. Wasn't me, but by then I was so at peace with myself I called his bluff. He went off with his tail between his legs.

[angel61]

Habit, I did think of meds too during the 3-4 months post bomb. Like you, I couldn't sleep, and lost my appetite, lost 35 lbs (which was good). In the end, I did not take meds, and found myself slowly getting back my appetite and being able to sleep. This started happening around 4 months post bomb. Nothing lasts forever, as they say, or maybe you just get used to a life of pain. I also started having a zest for life again, and GALing was easier and no longer a pretense.
I see my life as being so much like yours at this point. My H is detached, and sometimes when he talks to me I feel like he is forcing himself, he mumbles to me. When he is being friendly I cannot help it, it makes my day.
Difference is there is an EA involved.
If we want to save our M's though is there anything else we can do? The inactivity, inability to take hold of our future is so frustrating. And yet, everyone says time and patience is essential. I think though that when the time is ready for change, it will happen. Hope it is in the firection yu want though.

[Denver_2010]

Habit - You have mentioned multiple times that every day is the same bw you and W right now. Not much in the way of a real M in terms of the relationship bw you two. And that you are willing to continue this until W comes out of fog and is ready to work on M. Do I have this right?

The concern that keep coming up for me when I read that description is this: does your W know where you stand as far was what you want? Maybe I missed something in reading your thread or have forgotten. I just want to make sure that you have been clear with W at least once that you love her and want to work on M.

My concern is based on the last 10 months bw my W and I. For much, not all, but much of that time we lived as you described... distant from each other, no talk about M, day after day after day... W came to believe that I didn't love her or want any part of our M. Bad thing to have happen to my M.

[habitacker]

MrBond, thanks for the info.

I think I just got curious about your sitch when awhile back you posted about how your W never came to you about R talk.

My wife doesn't talk about her feelings either, which I believe is a big reason we are in this sitch. No communication. I hope we get to work on that someday. I have learned so much about my M and the reasons for our problems. It is hard not to share it with her.

It is even harder to think that she doesn't really care to know these things.

Angel61- You hit it on the head.
Sometimes I get that zest for life, but it fades fast. I think my big problem with the 180 is that GAL for me is my wife and kids. I have not given them enough of me, and that is what I want now. Kind of conflicts with giving her space. But I am doing it the best I can while living in same house.

Detaching seems hard because I have always been detached. How does more of the same help matters? But, I am trying to do this also, even though it doesn't make sense to me. Like I have been told a million times, DBing will go against our instincts.

Denver, Your first paragragh question, You got that right.

Told W I love her and want to work on marriage on the bomb day, and for a few days after. This was the wrong thing to do. It was pressure. She asked me to not say I love you because she can't say it back.

On bomb day I think my begging and pleading stopped her from saying "I want a divorce". She said that I get a chance, but it is going to be a long,long,time, and even if I do change she doubts she will ever love me again. I took the word "chance" as we will work on marriage. It turns out it is a chance to get a chance to work on marriage.

Anyway, the first 2 months went by, doing 180(no anger), being a good guy, no pursuing except a couple letters (pre DBing) which were mostly about her being good mom,attractive,smart etc. etc. Mainly compliments, but I suppose it could have been taken as pursuing by her.

Everything was like it is now. Like nothing is wrong, things seemed ok. So after 2 months from bomb I wanted to know where we stood. I don't remember how I worded it though. This was the first time I heard the words "I want a divorce and I don't need you".

This is the reason I stick to the advice of waiting for her to come to me about R talk. When I tried, look what happened.

Now, time has gone by again, and things seem ok again. But I thought that last time.

As I have said to MrBond and many,many times, she does not expose any feelings, just keeps it all buried deep.

These 2 times, the original bomb, and the 2 month later "I want a divorce" are the only 2 times we have had conversation about R.

[habitacker]

I have to add, The 2 worst days of my life.

[mj144]

I hear you on that brother. It may suck. You may be impatient. I sure know I am, but you just have to keep doing what you are doing. Time is your friend. I wish I could still be in my house. I would other than the fact my W was going to start pushing the D forward. As long as she remains in a state of neutral, consider that positive.

[Denver_2010]

Worst days, weeks, and months of my life.

[Denver_2010]

So you are sure that she is very clear about what your wishes are re M? That you do NOT want D and want to work on M?

[habitacker]

Denver? During that 10 month period, were you DBing. I see your bomb was November.

[leader12]

habit- your situation sounds a lot like mine. im new to this board - how do i send you a private message?


[Edited by dbmod to add note: PMs are not enabled here,sharing personal contact information is not permitted]