I think a lot of left by spouses think along these lines in the beginning. I will do the dishes and see if she notices....I'm going to fix that fence that she's been asking me to fix for the past five years and see if she thanks me....I'm going to follow her around and make sure she doesn't have to do anything anymore..... Actions need to be for you.... I'm doing the dishes because I DECIDED a good husband pulls their weight with household chores... I DECIDED to fix the fence because I'm sick of looking at it... Wife you can pull your weight around here too.
Do your share without expectations.
I often wonder why men (it seems) only come to this conclusion after there are issues? I mean really shouldn't this have been done from Day 1 of the marriage. It almost seems as if a lot of men follow the same script. Bomb (after the shock) they go into Super-Father/Super Husband mode. "I'm going to make dinner. I'm going to do the dishes. I'm going to spend more time with the kids. I'm going fold the laundry. etc." I know it gets a little tricky if the W is a SAHM, but there is still stuff to do. It it any wonder why the Ws doubt the changes. I know everyone promises to keep them going and I'm sure many do. but why does it take the wife leaving to trigger this.
I don't want to suggest that if you only helped out around the house, you might not be here. God knows there are people here who did do their share and are still here.
Honestly, a part of me is embarrassed by this as a guy.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Harrier, I am embarrassed also. I am not sure why we do this.
It is funny all the stuff I did to get her in the first place, and after the thrill of the chase is gone, we slack off.
I also think unconciously I was doing what I saw when I was raised. My mom was a housewife and I always saw her taking care of all this stuff. Maybe it was just put into my mind that the woman takes care of things like this.
I did not go into my marriage thinking this though. I always thought that I would do my share of the house work, but I didn't. Maybe I just got used to her taking care of everything and got lazy.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
Well I understand and appreciate most of you users advice. Thank you. I am not trying to make her a couch potato, I am just showing I do care about our home and want it to be presentable all the time. Never know when someone could swing by. We both do not want a sloppy home.
Please do not dog me out for trying. I am making efforts and working through stages of evolving and resolution. If you cannot be positive and give advice with being a jacka$$ then step!
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
I was just replying to Harrier's post. Believe me, I am the same as you. I am doing all these things also.
What we mean by being embarrassed is that we were not doing these chores in the first place. I know I feel ashamed that I didn't help my wife more, and after you do this stuff you start to realize why she seemed to not have time for us.
I am sorry for the misunderstanding.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
I echo habit. I'm not calling anyone out for their efforts. I think it's great. I guess I wish more guys would do this w/o a bomb being dropped. I mean almost to a man, every guys here reaction seems to be the same.
The embarassed comment is not directed at you, or your efforts, or your past. More at society as a whole and the role of men/women. Just as when I equally embarrassed when I hear stories of women trading sexual favors for trips, clothes, jewelry, or household chores.
I think it is sad that a D has to be mentioned to get men to be more involved. Obviously every situation is different.
I am truly sorry if I offended you. That wasn't my intent. I just hope for all these guys here those changes will take hold and you never have to come here again.
I'll now slink away.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Just to note Harrier I think your reply was to "Scared2Def" not to me, but I digress!
I feel the same way as both Harrier and Habit, unfortunately we get complacent in our lives, busy working, taking care of the kids, and trying to "relax" with whatever time is left. I never indended to leave all of the housework to my W, but some reason I did that a lot.
By being healthier, losing weight, eating better and getting proper rest I've generally had more energy so I don't mind doing my share of the housework.
Like I was saying in my thread, I've now started thinking "If I don't do it, who will?" and of course the answer is "My W". So I try my best to do things as I see them or think of them (picking up kids toys, doing dishes, vaccuming, etc.
It's not perfect, but my W is home everyday during the day so she generally has more time available to do chores. I think I've made it closer to a 50/50 arrangement now.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
I often wonder why men (it seems) only come to this conclusion after there are issues? I mean really shouldn't this have been done from Day 1 of the marriage. It almost seems as if a lot of men follow the same script. Bomb (after the shock) they go into Super-Father/Super Husband mode. "I'm going to make dinner. I'm going to do the dishes. I'm going to spend more time with the kids. I'm going fold the laundry. etc." "I know it gets a little tricky if the W is a SAHM, but there is still stuff to do."
The problem comes in because of personal expectations of the other....If their is a communication or understanding problem in the marriage, this will lead to frustration, disappointment, anger and if it gets bad enough DIVORCE
"It it any wonder why the Ws doubt the changes. I know everyone promises to keep them going and I'm sure many do." It takes consistent actions over a period of time for anyone to make changes real.
but why does it take the wife leaving to trigger this.
People really only CHANGE for 2 reasons. Too much Chaos or FEAR OF LOSS. It got too chaotic so she changed her mind and wanted out of your marriage...You lost her and you changed and want to do everything you can to save it...simple really Many lbs should understand that turning the FEAR of LOSS back onto them may be the ultimate answer to get them back.
I don't want to suggest that if you only helped out around the house, you might not be here. God knows there are people here who did do their share and are still here.
Exactly right... Plenty of NICE guys and Doormats are the ones getting divorced
Honestly, a part of me is embarrassed by this as a guy.
well sure, we all fall into ruts, act in ways that we later regret and take things for granted.... But this is what learning from your past, living in the present and looking towards the future is all about.
I have thought about that turning that FEAR of LOSS back onto them strategy, but what a big risk it would be. I could see it working on some, but being wrong for others.
All I know is that I am not ready to take that kind of risk at this time.
Good point though.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
I have seen the fear of loss work many times to get back the ex. As we all should know, logic and reasoning doesn't work on Walk aways.......What does work is getting to their EMOTIONS. This is the reason for the 180's (if you act differently than normal, you get different reactions), this is the reason you detach (so you don't get sucked into unproductive behavior), and this is why sooner or later you get to a state of peace with reality. Reality is that you cannot wait for ever and your life isn't going to end just because your W doesn't want to be with you anymore. The fear of loss can come when D day approaches, when the LBS becomes basically indifferent to their marriage, or the LBS actually moves on with a new person.
Personally I don't think dating is wise (especially very early in the sitch). For those in an affair two wrongs doesn't make a right. Also, If you are just doing it to evoke jealousy or you aren't indifferent to the outcome of your marriage, then it is really unfair to who you are entering the new relationship with. However, casual dating (hanging out with female friends), perhaps innocent/ non-sexual relationships can provide some benefits to your personal well being. It will help build confidence. That being said, every situation is different and each individual really has to be the judge on what makes sense for them.
