It is hard. For me sometimes, it seems W sees right through what I'm doing. At times she's said "it almost seems like you are trying to prove what a good guy you are to win me back." and she recently accused me of being "fake happy."
I tried in the past to take stock of the little things my wife does to give me hope. Some here have suggested that gives the W too much power.
I really used to take issue with the idea that I was doing all the work in the marriage while I felt that "she got to just live her life."
Boy I was wrong, wrong, wrong. After one particular discussion we had one night she expressed to me how hard she is working. I was kinda taken aback, because until then I had no idea of her perspective. So, I get now that she is working really hard. She, thankfully, acknowledges that I am working took.
A friend of mine told me that we spend a lot of the the time in this process focusing on ourselves so that it can be hard to see your spouse's perspective.
I really think the key in addressing how you feel, talking about your pain, anger, etc is HOW you bring it up. I had/have to work with my IC on how to bring ups some things. I'm still feeling my way around honestly. I'm better about bringing up specific day to day things that upset me. Like if I feel that she is making too many remarks about how I deal with the kids, how I clean, etc. I can say, "Hey, I really don't appreciate they remarks." Long standing issues are another matter. I mean I have brought them up and they can cause a fight. But it might get them thinking. LOL Are you in MC? I know for some (like my W) it helps to hear a 3rd party say what you've been saying to them and make it stick.
Have you read "The seven principles for making marriage work" by John Gottman. He talks a lot about how we bring things up...and it's more than just "I" statements. I really like this book.
I really hearing you on wanting to just be normal again. I assure you that your W probably has the same thoughts. But that isn't going to magically happen. (darn it)
At least you know you aren't alone in these thoughts. hang in there.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
