Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[hope2011]

H was nicer yesterday. I guess he feels free now. Me, I am sick as hell. I can't keep food down at all. I think it's a combination food poisoning and stress. I'm dehydrated but trying to avoid seeing a doctor. I'm drinking lots of gatoraid and taking tums and pepto and other OTC medicines. I hate being sick, especially when I need to look my best, be my best, get myself together.

Last night I went to bed at 6:00. H saw me go to the bedroom, said I looked like a ghost. I told him I didn't feel good and was going to bed and that he'd have to take care of dinner for the boys. He said ok, made dinner (which he does half the time anyway - he's always been good about house stuff) and bought a plate into the bedroom, asking me if I thought I could eat anything. I said no, I really couldn't, but thank you. An hour later he came in to check on me, asked me how I was feeling. I said "not good" and asked if he'd please do me a favor and make a run to the pharmacy. Not only did he say yes, he went immediately, got what I asked for (medicine) and came back with a huge bag full of gatorade and other stuff. He checked on me twice, felt my forehead for a fever and slept in our room last night (he was on the sofa the night before). I told him thank you for everything and that I appreciated it. I tried not to overdo the gratitude, but I did want to positively reinforce what he did. In our 4 years together, he has never taken care of me while sick. I've never been this sick before with him. Between being sick and worn out... and some comfort thinking me may care about me just a little bit... I actually got a good night's sleep for the first time in over a week.

This morning he got up at 6 am, took a shower and took the boys to school at 7. Usually he just goes in his sweats and showers when he gets home. It's now 10 am, he's not home yet. He should've been home by 8. He didn't take any work stuff with him, didn't wear his sweats as his boots are still by the door. His bottle of cologne is on the bathroom counter so I know he shaved, smells good, etc.

I can't help but think he's meeting someone for coffee this morning, meeting with a lawyer or looking at apartments. I did a 180 and didn't call him and ask where he was or if he was ok. I did text "thank you for taking care of me last night". He responded immediately "are you feeling any better?". I said yes and left it at that. I lied of course, I'm still sick but who wants a clingy, whiny, sick wife? I didn't ask when he was coming home or anything else. I kept it short.

Reading some of the books this morning, trying to calm my imagination... the Love & Respect one really hits me hard. I can see so many ways I didn't respect him, didn't thank him, didn't make him feel like a man. I never said thank you to him for half the stuff he does. I was truly an ungrateful wife. I didn't mean to be, I truly didn't. I just didn't think about it. When we were dating, I was his biggest cheerleader and I continued to be after we got married until he would get so stressed and lose his temper and yell, then I'd yell back and it would be WWIII. I look at how things have been the past few weeks when I haven't yelled back but kept my calm and even though he's been on that dating site the whole time.... we were getting closer. He was opening up more. He was being more thoughtful. He was wanted to spend time with me. Then I found out about the site and lost it. I shouldn't have told him I knew, I shouldn't have changed his passwords. He pulled away again and asked for the D again. Instead of changing my ways and praising him for everything he's been trying to do, I just found another thing to complain about, to make him feel horrible about. I know he went to that site looking for someone, any one to make him feel better about himself, to give him hope of being happy again. That person should've been me and I failed.

And just when I figure all this out, it may be too late.

I'm still drinking gatorade. Got myself up and showered and dressed. Going to look at some office spaces today for work, to get the office out of my house. Something I've wanted to do for years but just now able to afford. Once I have an office, I can get 2 interns to take a lot of work load off of my shoulders. Again, something I've wanted to do for years. The H never thought it would happen. So much he never thought would happen, I'm finally making happen but now it's too late. I run a charity, have for 15 years. Volunteered until 2 months ago, when the board finally approved a salary for me and I got to quit my other job and just have 1 job. I started a more regular schedule and now I'm moving the office out of my house finally. H never had faith in me, didn't think I wanted those things even though I have told him for 4 years that was my goal. Now it's here and I'm proud of myself for accomplishing this but it almost seems empty now without a family. That's the hardest part - losing a husband and 2 kids. Not just a marriage but a family. There will be no visitation rights for me, no chance to remain in their lives as a parent. I'm just stepmom. I never wanted to date someone with kids because I feared this so much and here it is. Both my biggest fears (being cheated on and losing my kids) come to life. At the same time as some of my dreams with work.