Piecing is almost harder than before...

[XYZ]

Harrier - I'm naturally very impatient too and - like you - that makes this sooooo much harder.

This is all so weird for me. My wife feels like she is doing all the work and all I have to do is wait. I feel like I'm doing all the work while she decides if she wants me and us. I for sure don't want to fight or argue so when she talks, I listen. When I disagree with her, I err on the side of not saying so and agreeing with her. I've been (rightfully) accused of being rigid and having a "my way and the wrong way" attitude before, so I try to be open minded and accepting of her different views. Sometimes that makes me feel that I'm just agreeing for the sake of agreeing and stuffing my own views and opinions. I'm not sure how to break the cycle and do it in a productive and validating way. High risk situation there. Also, I listen to her talk about her pain and anger whenever she wants/needs to. I get it; I want to do that and be there for her. When do I talk about mine? Anytime its started to come up, she says that she feels like I'm justifying my actions and building a case, so I stop and go back to accepting fault. But my pain is real too. I had a big role in our fall, but not 100% and sometimes I feel like she sees it as 100% me and that's not good long term.

W is away for the weekend visiting an old college friend. She'll have a great time, and I know that I will be the subject of much conversation. It scares the crap out of me. Will she (a) talk and it be therapeutic or (b) talk and just get that much more angry with me. Guess I'll see on Sunday. Praying for "A".

Anyway. I really stupidly thought when W ask me home 2 months ago that the hard part was over. Little did I know that that was just the beginning of the hard part. I will wait any amount of time and do any thing for W and our M, but I need to see some success along the way. It's so hard to stay motivated and not to say the hell with it when you don't know if all this work and pain will be for naught. This pain is excruciating and I just want feel normal again. It's been over 5 months since I can say I felt that way. I'm just griping, I'll hang in there and keep going. W is worth it.

[XYZ]

Lost - thanks for this. Helps so much to know my sitch is not unique. Thanks.

[Harrier]

XYZ.

It is hard. For me sometimes, it seems W sees right through what I'm doing. At times she's said "it almost seems like you are trying to prove what a good guy you are to win me back." and she recently accused me of being "fake happy."

I tried in the past to take stock of the little things my wife does to give me hope. Some here have suggested that gives the W too much power.

I really used to take issue with the idea that I was doing all the work in the marriage while I felt that "she got to just live her life."

Boy I was wrong, wrong, wrong. After one particular discussion we had one night she expressed to me how hard she is working. I was kinda taken aback, because until then I had no idea of her perspective. So, I get now that she is working really hard. She, thankfully, acknowledges that I am working took.

A friend of mine told me that we spend a lot of the the time in this process focusing on ourselves so that it can be hard to see your spouse's perspective.

I really think the key in addressing how you feel, talking about your pain, anger, etc is HOW you bring it up. I had/have to work with my IC on how to bring ups some things. I'm still feeling my way around honestly. I'm better about bringing up specific day to day things that upset me. Like if I feel that she is making too many remarks about how I deal with the kids, how I clean, etc. I can say, "Hey, I really don't appreciate they remarks." Long standing issues are another matter. I mean I have brought them up and they can cause a fight. But it might get them thinking. LOL Are you in MC? I know for some (like my W) it helps to hear a 3rd party say what you've been saying to them and make it stick.

Have you read "The seven principles for making marriage work" by John Gottman. He talks a lot about how we bring things up...and it's more than just "I" statements. I really like this book.

I really hearing you on wanting to just be normal again. I assure you that your W probably has the same thoughts. But that isn't going to magically happen. (darn it)

At least you know you aren't alone in these thoughts. hang in there.

[XYZ]

We are not in MC. I've tried, but W is resistant. She's in that field and I think not open to being on the other side of the couch...

I think it's a little bit like the case where a doctor doesn't live a healthy lifestyle. They know what others should do, but it's hard to do that yourself. I can understand that.

[Harrier]

I hear you there. My W is a psychologist. She resisted MC for a bit. She finally relented and I think sees the benefits. I wonder if your W would even try One sessions, just to see.

[XYZ]

So W came home Sunday and all was well. She actually was on the road home by 8:00AM which was earlier than I expected. Guess thats good that she was ready to come home and see us - probably more the kids than me, but still. She was pretty tired all afternoon but it went fine.

I actually got 2 kisses goodbye this morning. Nothing big, but very nice and a baby step I guess in the right direction. I really want the big leap forward, but I'll take the baby steps. I won't complain.

It does seem that her mood still has lots of ups and downs, but the ups seem a little more up and the downs seem a little less down. Hard to know for sure since the changes are subtle, but I'm pretty sure that's the case.

[XYZ]

This process is killing me and it all has to do with my ability to be patient. When I look at it logically, I really see lots of small improvements. At least I think I see them. Sometimes I wonder if I really see small things or just make them up in my head so I think things are getting better. I catch her smile in a way that looks like the "old" smile and I wonder, is that something? Or is it an illusion? Really hard to know sometimes.

W and I had a great weekend. Kids were at the grandparents all day on Saturday until mid-day on Sunday. W, tells me she is having lunch with a friend on Saturday. At first, I was disappointed that she didn't want to spend that time with me and then realized that this was one of the things she used to not do much of because she thought I didn't want her to. My coach tells me that as she feels more comfortable and safe with me, she'll start to express more and more items from way back that were issues for her but she didn't feel safe expressing before. I think this was one of those. She also asked if I minded if she had a drink with another friend Wednesday after work. Again, same thing. I was completely fine with both. She's talking about buying a bike and doing a walk for charity. I really think she's now trying to address all sorts of items in her life that she didn't like, but maybe wasn't comfortable that I would support her before. I'm being 100% supporting now and she tells me that knows it.

She's excited about me meeting this friend of her's soon. She keeps telling me "you'll really like her". This is big because this friend was a big point of contention for us a year or so ago, but I've changed my tune on W spending time without me and she sees it.

We went to dinner and had a real date night out Saturday. It was very nice and we had a great time. I see (again, I think I do) so many small improvements. From the way she laughs to catching her look at me and the way we talk. We even had a little mild flirtation via text message yesterday. She sent me a bit of a naughty comment and I replied - being careful not to go too far. We went back and forth a few times. This type of thing used to happen regularly, but hasn't in quite a while. Again, I see that as a small step forward.

Last night, W was very tired and not feeling well and went to bed early. I took care of the kids and got them fed, bathed and off to bed. Just a couple minutes ago, I get a TM from w: "Thank you for running the routine last night. That just came over me. ILY" I replied: "No need for thanks. I am there for you and I'm trying (hard) to show you every single day. I love you, lady"

But then....there's still almost zero physical affection. No hand-holding, very occasional peck on the lips, but more often she gives me the cheek. This morning when I left for work I got the one-arm, side hug. It felt so nice to me, but it kills me. I just want to grab her and hug her and kiss her for hours, but I don't. It really makes me wonder how long I can keep going with this. It's so difficult. I try to keep a long term perspective and see where we were 3 months ago, or 5 months ago and where we are now. I just don't get that physical part. It makes me feel like this dumda$$ high school kid chasing the girl that wants to be friends but nothing more -- I was that guy once (25 years ago); and didn't like it then, don't like it now. How/when will this part end?

[XYZ]

More of the same. This dance feels like two steps forward and one back. I sure hope it's not the other way around. Sometimes I just don't know for sure.

Conversation with W is still good. Had a good weekend. Lack of physical affection is really taking a toll on me. I'm trying to see all the positives but sometimes my mind plays games.

This morning, we took the kids to breakfast at McDonald's. They played a bit and W and I chatted. She sat with crossed arms and barely gave me the cheek for a kiss when we left. WTF? I just don't understand. This process is neither linear nor fast and both are crushing me. Afterwards I sent W a TM: "Hi Honey - Thanks for letting me join you guys. You seemed a little tense, I everything is ok. Please let me know if I can do anything for you. I love you tons." No response yet, but she's most likely still driving, so that may or may not mean anything.

It still seems that when I lean in, she backs off and vice versa. Maybe I should pull back a bit? I hate this damn game playing. Why can't we just be us? Jesus.

Every time something good happens something less good follows and I get down. I'm very discourages right now. The only thing that keeps me going is thinking how stupid I'd feel in a year knowing that it would be great if only I'd tried longer.

Oh well. I guess I tough it out and keep going, but I don't know how I'll do that....

[XYZ]

W replied to TM: "I'm ok. ily"

A little short, but something. Maybe she's just teething. lol. I'll assume that when I see her tonight.

[XYZ]

I wrote this email to W this morning. Not sure if I should send it or not. One the one hand, I feel like I'm baring my soul. On the other, am I pressuring her? Thoughts?


Honey –

I love you with all that I am. I will do anything for you. I will do anything in my control to help you be happy. I will move anywhere, change any job, screw up any amount of cooking, cleaning, and laundry. I will do anything.

However, I cannot not be me: I am in love with you. I love the way your smile is a little crooked. I love the way your teeth look when you show that big smile. I love the way the back of your hair looks like a super hero’s cap flowing behind you when you walk away. I love the bunions on your feet and the bump on your nose. I love the way you twitch all night and steal the covers. I love how you talk to the TV and let it get you all fired up. I love how you treat others, and how you love your family. I love your dedication first to family, second to patients, and last to you. I love it all. You are not perfect, but no one I know is more perfect than you.

I have made terrible mistakes that I now recognize and commit to never recreate. I am mostly, but not solely, responsible and I forgive you for your mistakes. I humbly ask you to do the same for me.

I need you. I need all of you. I need to talk and share with you. I need your support and I need to support you. I need to hold your hand and snuggle in tight and I need to kiss you. I need you to need me too. I need you to know you are safe me with; and that’s on me to help you feel that way.

I want to raise our kids, celebrate a con-validation, party like it’s 1999 at our 50-year anniversary and sit in the old folks home next to you. It is unfair of me to ask and I’ll do it anyway…please hold my hand and join me on this journey.

You know I’m not a Bible-thumper, but I do believe in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7: Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I will wait any amount of time for you to be ready for our journey. All I ask of you to is let me know you want to go on it with me.

I love you.