First time poster here although I’ve lurked for a few months. I apologize in advance for the length of the post. Where to begin? My common-law wife and I have known each other for 13 years, been together for 6 years and actually living together for 4 years. This is my first relationship ever (I was a really late bloomer) and this was her first serious relationship in a long time. She has a S13 from a previous relationship but we have no children together.
She first mentioned that she was unhappy last summer which shocked me since I thought things were going well. In hindsight I now know this to not be the case. At the time she mentioned that she needed to work on herself because she didn’t like the person she was becoming in the relationship. I should have taken this as a sign that I needed to do some work on me as well but sadly I didn’t.
She dropped a bomb again in October of this year but this time it was “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore”. Other phrases were “I feel like you’re just here because you think it’s expected of you” and “I feel like I’m living someone else’s life”. At the time I agreed, against my better judgment, that I should leave and told her so. At this point it all of a sudden seemed like she wanted me back. After a few days she agreed to try again and go see a counselor with me. This change of heart only lasted for a couple of weeks and at our first counseling session one of the first things she said was that she didn’t want to be in the relationship and that she only agreed to this because she felt bad for hurting me.
She did agree to continue individual counseling for three months but after the third session in mid December she told me once again that she didn’t want to be in the relationship. I’ve been trying my best to turn things around while in the house but at this point I’ve accepted that she just doesn’t want this and I’ve once again agreed to move out. I still love her to death but it’s just too painful for everyone involved to be in the same house. We’re at the point where I have most of my things at my new place and we’re just finalizing bank accounts, assets, debts etc.
I’ve accepted my role in this. I’ve essentially been a doormat for the last few years. I’m very non-confrontational and will generally bend over backwards to make sure everyone is happy. I’ll almost never tell anyone when I’m angry and shove my feelings down inside. She said that I seemed to be indifferent to being in the relationship and she never got to know the real me. I agree that I’m not the most emotional of people but I loved her more than anything else in my life. I realize now that these traits aren’t attractive and that they aren’t part of the person I want to be so I’m working to change that. She has her own issues that she is still going to counseling for, very poor self image, very unhappy since childhood, for which I am thankful.
The strange thing is that we don’t hate each other and we’re perfectly capable of having fun and being friends. We still sleep in the same bed. Although now she doesn’t want me to do anything for her because she says it makes her feel guilty. She also says she feels guilty for being happy or having fun with me. I think she’s been going out of her way to make this separation as easy as possible so as not to hurt me. I still don’t want this. Is there any hope? I’m confused because although I know I could just be in denial this just doesn’t feel like the end.
If you feel like this isnt the end, then it probably isnt. First some questions...
1. Have you read DB or DR?
2. Are you willing to stick it out here and be open to the advice you will receive?
3. Are you willing to change in order to save your R? Can you accept that after this process things may never be the same? That you may never be the same?
SF
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I’m very non-confrontational and will generally bend over backwards to make sure everyone is happy. I’ll almost never tell anyone when I’m angry and shove my feelings down inside.
Question based upon what you wrote, do you consider yourself passive aggresive? Being resentful letting that anger come out in small mean ways?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
thanks for the response, it's much appreciated. I haven't read DB but I'm waiting for my copy of DR to come. It seemed more appropriate since I'll be the only one reading it. I have gone over everything I can on the website, blog, facebook, forums etc.
I am willing to stick it out here. Once I'm moved I'm going to have a lot more free time on my hands so I may as well use it productively. There's a little voice in my head that tells me to go hide under a blanket for a very long time but I know that won't solve a damn thing. I know that I need to change. I've recognized things in me that I don't really like and think that I'm finally able to take the steps to change them. I'm sincerelely hoping that things don't end up the same. At this point different would be wonderful.
Generally no. I try very hard to not be mean at all. However I can't say I've never done it and it's not something I'm proud of. I'm more prone to tell myself that whatever I'm upset about doesn't really matter and if I just do thing 1, 2 and 3 it won't happen again.
Okay great, either DR or DB is fine. I read both but I think DR is slightly better organized? Been a while since I read them.
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Try to stop worrying about what she is thinking or feeling. The only way you can save your R now is by working on yourself. Based on your description, I see a lot of encouraging signs that all hope is not lost. The fact that she is trying not to hurt you and feels guilty means that there is some warmth running through her still and she is not completely cold and cut off. That is a much better place to start than many find themselves in.
Start with the DBing basics. Mainly, stop pursuing and pressuring. GAL. Stay positive.
Alongside that, dig deeper into yourself using the resources suggested, and see if you can work on some long term changes in yourself. KEY: They must be for you. They must be real, and not just to fool her.
Keep journaling here and stay with us, dont let your thread fade into obscurity. It isnt over until YOU give up.
Last edited by dbmod; 09/23/1201:55 AM. Reason: *reference not recommended or allowed
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Thanks for the encouragement. Other friends/family have simply told me to move on and forget her. I know I didn't say the vows at an actual wedding but I don't take my commitment to my family lightly and this is something I feel is worth fighting for.
I'll check out the books you suggested. My IC has also suggested I read "Fire In the Belly" by Sam Keen. Has anyone read that one as well?
And the more that I think of it she's more passive agressive than I am. She does small, mean things in subtle ways. The sad part is that I generally don't even realize it unless someone points it out to me.
One thing I was wondering. How do the rest of you deal with holidays and special occasions? It's her birthday tomorrow and I'm unsure as to what to do for it. I took her S13 out yesterday to buy his present to her and I have my own present to give. The son would also like to get her flowers and I'm OK with that. I'm just uncertain if I should leave it at that. Tomorrows one of my moving days and the son won't actually be around so I doubt she'll be up for any celebration and frankly I don't hink I have it in me to do it alone. She's going out with some mutual friends in the evening tomorrow, maybe I should just leave it at that?
