Drive The Bus, Or Be The Passenger?

[Kemper]

Thank you sarahani.

The conversation with the boys was relatively short. My W and I sat down with them on the couch and explained that we would all be living together again. We let them know that mommy and daddy love each other and also love them. We asked if they had any questions. Our oldest asked if we could get his toys from the condo. We let them know that we would be getting everything from the condo and bringing it all back to the house. The transition for the boys has been interesting to watch. I have noticed that their behavior has been more in line with how they acted around my W vs. how they acted when they were with me. We need to get them back into their routines and provide the structure that they need to help them feel secure now and in the future.

Journaling:

Last night my company had a movie night where employees and their families could go see the movie of their choice at a local cinema. My W and I took the boys to see Tangled. When we got to the cinema we picked up our popcorn, soda, candy, and proceeded in to the theatre to look for seats. I asked my W where she wanted to sit and she said that she didn’t care but that she wanted to sit next to me. The movie was cute and the boys enjoyed it. My W and I held hands during the movie and as I sat there I realized this is the first time we had ever been to a movie as a family.

We left the cinema and headed home. My W and I were holding hands in the car and while driving my mind was racing. I was replaying conversations from the past few weeks, thinking about our situation, thinking about the A, wondering if I made the right decision to proceed forward with rebuilding my M.

After getting home we put the boys to bed and went downstairs, snuggled on the couch and watched a show. W was tired so we headed up to bed. I started a movie on my laptop to help W fall asleep. She has a thing about needing sounds on to help her fall asleep, but it can’t be the radio. While the movie was playing I laid in bed staring at the ceiling while my mind kept racing. Nothing was really said and my W turned to the other side to go to sleep. A little while later, still not tired I turned off the movie to put another one on. When I turned the movie off W rolled over thinking I was turning it off. I let her know I was putting another movie on to watch since I wasn’t tired. After I got the movie setup W smacked her lips together in a gesture for me to give her a kiss. I gave her a kiss and she closed her eyes to fall asleep.

I was frustrated because my W didn’t say goodnight, and seemed a little distant. I came onto the boards and started reading a little bit and realized that I was probably being needy and I wasn’t justified since I didn’t say goodnight either, and I myself was probably the one being distant. I finally fell asleep but woke up this morning with my mind still racing.

W is going to a girlfriends house tonight and spending the night. I was just getting out of bed as W left for work and we chatted for a little bit. I got the boys ready for school, gave them breakfast and we headed out. On our way to school W called to see how everything went with the boys since they were upset when she left. We chatted for a little bit and then said to each other to have a good day. I told her that I would talk to her later since she has training today. She said that she would have her phone and I could text her, and I let her know that she could text me too. I said goodbye and she said I love you. I told her that I loved her too. The phone interaction made me feel a little better but my mind continues to race.

What is my mind racing about?

Mainly about my feelings. I am comparing how my ex-GF made me feel vs. how my W makes me feel. I felt more secure in my relationship with my ex-GF, I never had a doubt that she cared and would do anything for me. I don’t feel that same way with my W. I wonder if my W was more attentive to OM and making him feel wanted than she is with me.

The biggest thing that my mind has been racing about has to do with her old boss. My W recently changed jobs where she works. I know that they have texted in the past because she would let him know that she was going to be late for work, etc. When we were talking about reconciliation I asked about him. She said they were just friends and he had a GF, which of course raised a red flag with me because that is what she always said about OM. She told me about a recent text exchange where he had to buy his GF a present for her birthday. He told W that he got her a coach bag last year and he was going to get her another on. W told him not to get another coach bag but instead to get her another type.

I think what started my mind racing was a comment my W made last night on the way to the movies. There are some weird vibes where she works because they have laid off some people in the past few days. Not only did my W change jobs but she was informed yesterday that she would be doing something else based on a training class getting canceled. She told me that she texted her old boss to let him know that she would be doing something different than what she interviewed for originally. Based on what W told me her old boss was shocked and said that he was going to talk to someone to find out more.

After we got home from the movies last night W said that her old boss texted her back and let her know that she has nothing to worry about. W has been concerned that she might be laid off since she is currently in limbo with respect to her jobs.

I have looked at the situation from a couple of different angles. My W and I are just starting down the reconciliation path and I could just be insecure given everything that has happened. I know that I don’t completely trust my W right now and that has an influence. On the flip side it appears that my W has been honest about her interactions with her old boss. However, I have not gone into deep conversations about this person in particular. I also know that if my W did end up going down the same path she did with OM I would be ok on my own. I know that I could be with someone else and that someone else could love me. What really prompted me to write about this was a response I read from Sandi this morning where she said:

I do not believe in couples having "friendships" with the opposite sex when it excludes the S.

I agree 100% with what she said. However, there have not been any interactions with her old boss that I could have been invited to that I know of. For all I know they could go to lunch together during the day but again my mind is probably just racing due to my fears.