Do you think these positive steps can help? Just thoughts?
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
You've started this as a 180. Dolphin is right, keep doing these things with no expectations. Your W may not say anything about it. She does notice though, and she may be just waiting to see if these changes are permanent. Keep them up no matter what is said or isn't. It's the only way to prove they're real and lasting.
It's important to maintain them even if your W keeps threatening to leave.
You feel better mentally and physically because you're being proactive instead of reactive.
Thank you so much. I think I will be able to continue now that I have seen a succesful reaction and also felt better about myself in the process.
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
Tonight I am going to go out with some friends, it will be my first night out since she told me she is leaving in June. I am not going to get drunk, maybe a few biers and just enjoy shooting pool.
She says she does not mind me going out, she really never has, it is when I treat her bad verbally and be controlling that she hates me.
I just hope me going out with friends is a huge step backwards or something like that. Any advice?
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
Tonight I am going to go out with some friends, it will be my first night out since she told me she is leaving in June. I am not going to get drunk, maybe a few biers and just enjoy shooting pool.
She says she does not mind me going out, she really never has, it is when I treat her bad verbally and be controlling that she hates me.
I just hope me going out with friends is NOT a huge step backwards or something like that. Any advice?
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
Go out. Give her some time alone. It will only help both of you.
As for the things you are doing, cleaning,etc. Remember,no expectations or you will be really frustrated. I have been doing these things for 4 months and have seen no reaction from my W, other than she actually seemed annoyed by them at first.
I have got into the habit of just doing them, and don't even pay attention to what she thinks about it. Almost like a single dad, the crap needs to be done, who else is going to do it?
Sorry rambling. I just wanted to warn you. Chances are this is going to be a long process, so don't be looking for her to notice these things and have a reaction to them.
These chores are not done magically by elves in the middle of the night, so when they are done, and she didn't do them, she will notice, but her reactions are going to be kept to herself. Keep this in mind.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
I understand that my road is long and bumpy. I just need to make it to the destination that I need.
I am not sure if this is even going to help me and my family but I am willing to do anything at this point.
It seems weird that by taking away the job that has been hers for so long will actually make her see that I love her and need her. Not sure about this process but I am willing to do it for the rest of my life to have her smile in our home!
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
My thought process is "If I don't do this, then W will have too." Not saying every single thing that applies, but with mindset along I'm simply being more thoughtful.
Also at first I was immediately looking for approval for what I was doing. Not anymore, it just needs to be done - no need for her to thank me - it's something that we are equally responsible for.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
I'll third this one. I took on a lot more housework a while back because I wasn't doing my fair share and like a lot of people I also hoped for some instant approval. My experience says you probably won't get it as soon as you like. On the other hand, if your like me and it becomes a habit you'll start to hate the mess and feel better about yourself for having cleaned it up.
I think a lot of left by spouses think along these lines in the beginning. I will do the dishes and see if she notices....I'm going to fix that fence that she's been asking me to fix for the past five years and see if she thanks me....I'm going to follow her around and make sure she doesn't have to do anything anymore..... Actions need to be for you.... I'm doing the dishes because I DECIDED a good husband pulls their weight with household chores... I DECIDED to fix the fence because I'm sick of looking at it... Wife you can pull your weight around here too.
Doing actions hoping to get a response or notice from your W is approval seeking and it is not attractive... Following your W around and trying to make sure she doesn't have to lift a finger is the same... You can't become a slave and spend your life doing everything for them. (Would you/ could you really live the rest of your life doing all these things, or is it just when your wife wants to leave you that you suddenly are MR helpful and only think of what you can do to please the W? trust me it's not authentic and will get you no where) This behavior is not masculine and it will NOT change their feelings. If you go too far with this it WILL piss them off, after all she's been asking you for more help around the house for years right? Do your share without expectations.
