I met my husband 4+ years ago in a club, fell in love almost instantly. Soon after he got a job and relocated to this new country for me (I was from Hong Kong, working in China, he was from Serbia, working for projects in China). And a bit more than a year after we met, I was pregnant and got married. Now our son is 2 years old.
I felt like I was the only one caring for the family, like a gazillion other wives out there. He doesn't do much around the house (we have maids to clean and take care of the kid), he doesn't spend much time with us but hide behind the computer (he's a programmer). He doesn't speak the language so everything comes down to me. I got frustrated on a daily basis. I started to get more and more angry at him and started to have to rely on sleeping pills to fall asleep. When the pills don't work I started to drink on top of the pills. There's usually a period of time after I have taken the pills and haven't been able to fall asleep, and would yell at him and raise huge fights. Said some hurtful things.
At one point, I realize I can't go on like this anymore. So I urge him to find a counselor for us to go in together. At that point our tension was very strong. After 2 sessions, I quit all drinking and pills. That might have surprised him as he have told friends and counselor that I can't change. I wanted to prove that my drinking and pills was never the real problem. And I quit cold turkey, relatively easily. (in fact that's the easiest part)
During the time I quit my pills and drinking, he moved his office out of our apartment. And doesn't come home much at all. He works very long hours and refused to really talk to me about anything. At that time he told me he needed time to think, but from what I felt like he had already got his mind all set up. He told his friends that he wants out of the marriage.
After a period of crying and begging and all those you are not supposed to do, I started to try doing DB. His dad is coming to spend Orthodox Christmas with us tomorrow. Which he feels that daddy is coming to tell him not to get a divorce.
Sorry I have been rumbling on and could be quite confusing to read. Anyhow, I have stopped the crying phase and have been acting happy. That confused him a bit but doesn't quite get the desired response. As far as I can remember, the first time I put on a less than sad face, he came to tell me he wanted a divorce for sure. Second time was yesterday, he told me about his apartment search. I am confused as hell myself.
Welcome to this forum. I am a newbie so I can offer little advice even tho I have read DR over and over.
First let me say that I am sorry for your sitch. It stinks espeically when there are children involved. If you've read DR, then you are off to a great start.
I would welcome some back-up from the board vets,but from what I've been reading on alot of threads and in the DR book is that you have to detach lovingly. It doesn't mean giving up, it just means giving the person their space. It will allow your H to have more clarity and for you to have more as well. Work on YOU!!! GAL (get a life) - see friends, take up a hobby, rearrange the furniture, count leaves, do things that make you strong and show your H that you can have a life without him even though you prefer one with him. He wants to see the woman he feel in love with again. And you are in there; perhaps you never left but just got lost along the way. Actions, Actions, Actions! Doing more of the same will only get you the same. Do 180's - something opposite of what you have been doing.
Board vets...how am I doing so far? Have I been in a good study?!
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Welcome to the divorcebusting community--officially! You will always remember zengypsy as your first poster. And her advice is just perfect.
The only thing I would add right now is your 180 needs to be related to his stereotype of you. Ihave a hunch that being out of his own country, his own element is contributing to a lot of his unhappiness and the blame being weighed on your interpersonal issues. Maybe you can get some clues as to what might help while his dad is in town.
btw--when you say this new country, are you both in the United States?
I quit all drinking and pills. That might have surprised him as he have told friends and counselor that I can't change. I wanted to prove that my drinking and pills was never the real problem.
Hi Jas, This sounds all too familiar to me. I cannot say it was so easy for me. But I got through it. Just wanted to congratulate you for your accomplishments as far as this is concerned.
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Wow I totally lost this thread and I thought it never got approved and started a new one.
thanks for all the support everyone. deep down I believe we won't end up divorced as I am very determined to save this marriage.
Let me paste the other thread I started here so there's only one to follow.
We have only been married for 2 years and have a 2 year old son. At the beginning of our relationship, we were deeply in love. But ever since the baby was born, we did put our relationship in the back burner. We haven't been connecting and it went on for about a year or so. I started to get more and more unhappy and I kept questioning him if he's happy. At first he said he is, I was frustrated because I wasn't. The pressure of having to look after the kid, juggle work, and taking care of the house, plus him is taking a toll on me a big time. He had moved to China for me so he doesn't speak Chinese. His work rely on my connection so he's largely depended on me. I feel the pressure on that at the same time, he doesn't do much around the house (we have a maid to do everything including taking care of the baby already. But I feel that he doesn't spend enough time with our child). The pressure has gotten so heavy on me that, I started to take sleeping pills to get myself to sleep at night. And that made me sometimes have angry heated outburst at him at night. Things gotten very bad and I made him and I go to see couples therapy. I quit my drinking and sleeping pill cold turkey. (successfully) But it was then, he started to want to call it quits. He moved to our guest room, it's been at least 2 months now. And no matter what I do, he was angry and cold at me. He avoided being at home and one day he told me that he wants a divorce.
I of course did all the begging and crying and you know what. I had his dad came to stay with us for a bit and asked his dad to talk to him. He was so angry at his dad so that was a failure also. I watch our situation gone from bad to worst and I am trying to do the 180. It's hard. I DON"T EVEN KNOW ON WHAT F$#&King ground he has to be angry at ME. WHY THE F I have to be eating all his crap and be the one who is jumping through hoops to get him to NOT break the family up. But I have no choice. I want to keep this family together.
We were such a good couple before. Everyone envied us. He was quite a good guy, very good looking and adores me. He used to worship the ground I walked on and express his affection boldly in public. Now, he wouldn't even want to look at me. He wouldn't even give us one more chance to work things through. He just want out.
Thankfully we got married in Hong Kong and the law would only grant a divorce AFTER we have gone through 2 years of separation. I feel like he isn't even thinking things straight. If we are divorced, there will be no reason for me to stay in China. I will move back to Hong Kong with my 2 year old son. He would lose his dependent visa to Hong Kong and he won't be able to see his son so easily. He adores our kid thats for sure. But he thinks I am using my son to get to him. And on top of that, he will lose his current dependent visa to stay in China as well. He thinks he could quickly open a company in China and acquire a business visa to stay.
I feel that he is in a very angry stage. Maybe he's depressed I don't know. I don't want him to make any rush decision and later regret it. As it will change everyone's life. I still do love him very much. But this is soooooo hard for me.
I have just came up with an idea, maybe I would go work in our Singapore office for 2 months, leaving him and the kid in China. In that case, he can't move out as he will need to look after the child. and hopefully by the time I come back, he will be in a much better state of mind and will be willing to work on our marriage again.
During his father's stay, he seemed to be angry at his dad a lot. Yesterday (the last day of his dad's stay), it was one of the only two times that he seemed to be happy around his dad and us. Maybe he felt that his dad is finally leaving and wasn't able to convince him not to go through with a divorce.
I was actually getting a hang on the 180 thing and has stopped the crying and pleading before his dad's arrival. But once his dad got here, it's like I have to talk to him about this all over again as to show the father in law that I am not the one who wants this. I know it's irrational. But I thought, what the heck, I'll DB properly after his dad's gone. haha wishful thinking.
There was too much "I love you" and touching and asking him to reconsider during this period of time. After a long plead during a dinner with his dad, and got no where. I said to him, f#@^K it. I give up.
Then of course I am hardly giving up. shhhh I am going to have to properly DB from this point on. No more trying to do the short cuts. ARRRRGH
But father in law did give a very interesting suggestion. He said, if you move away, then H will be forced to deal with the kid, and he can't move out. I thought that was brilliant. That's totally something not something that I would do and it should fit the 180. That's why I came up with the Singapore gig or a month. I told it to him one day and told him I may need to be posted to Singapore for a month or two. I asked him if he would be capable of handling our son. Him being the I can do it all immediately said sure. I told him that I haven't decided yet. And still ironing out the details with company. Won't know until next week.
I quit all drinking and pills. That might have surprised him as he have told friends and counselor that I can't change. I wanted to prove that my drinking and pills was never the real problem.
Hi Jas, This sounds all too familiar to me. I cannot say it was so easy for me. But I got through it. Just wanted to congratulate you for your accomplishments as far as this is concerned.
Good luck with H and your M.
thanks dear it was hard especially there was no support from my husband, PLUS during that time I was trying to quit, he moved to our guest bedroom
it was hard especially there was no support from my husband, PLUS during that time I was trying to quit, he moved to our guest bedroom