DB'ing but it's a daily struggle - need support.

[mj144]

I meant to say "I am just spending all of my time when I am not looking for a job, reading through other people's posts here."

[ScaredinCanada]

Good for you SIC. It sounds like you are doing good lately. It is amazing how the way we feel changes so quickly.

I remember being a newbie and having people post about how are feelings are going to change over time. You don't believe what they are telling you, but it's true.

I feel I am doing o.k., but I am still stuck in the same day over and over. Nothing positive or Negative from her.

I have to admit, I look around on this forum and I see so much communication with couples in the same sitch as me, and I am getting none. It makes me jealous and scared, but also happy for everyone.

Ya still doing good. W was pretty cold last night, made some comment about "maybe we just shouldn't talk"...no idea where that came from. I'm ok with it though, it's just not bothering me anymore.

It's true though when you control your feelings, and start to believe in the changes yourself (it takes some time to convince yourself that these changes are for me as much as they are for my W) you feel so much mor ein control of the sitch.

I know I was talking pretty positive, but to be totally honest nothing has really changed other than her wanting to talk to me about the R occasionally.

Last night was kinda crappy too, as when I got home she told she had found my DR book. She just asked "So are you enjoying reading DR, is it a good book?" It was in my night stand (which she's never gone in) and she said she was tidying up and noticed the book. I guess no big deal.

After I got home from hockey last night (when for a few beers with the guys) my youngest D was up, and I got up with her twice but I was feeling pretty tired and had to get up at 5am for work. W took the oppurtunity to jab me saying "I have to work tomorrow night, but that's not important - you have the important job I'll get up with D2", I just said no "Both of our jobs are important, but I have 4 hours left to sleep and it's my turn to drive for my carpool". I'm sure she'll have something to say about it tonight - she always makes a big deal of it.

I may try and go out with the guys again tonight, keep the W guessing and avoid negative convo. Also, I'm thinking of just telling her I've got some things to do tomorrow and going to see the movie "Truegrit" (she'll likely think I'm shopping for anniversary gift) as I need to be a little more unpredictable.

I'm in a good place right now.

On a side note, I have to mention how surprised I am at how many people on here seem to have a deep connection to God? Does that really help you guys? I've never really been religious, and a number of years ago I went on a personal mission to determine if I wanted/needed God in my life. The answer was no. Since then it's something that has actually given me personal stength. My W is agnostic, and I classify myself as an atheist - but I was really just curious how religion may effect/help these situations.

SIC

[Bolt]

...I'm also trying to be realistic with the fact that my W is inititating R talk, not reacting to much to the positives. I think the fact that she still mixes in some "digs" at me help me to stay grounded.

Now the question is, if she truly comes around and tells me she wants to work on the M and R how will I deal with that? Hopefully the cool, calm, collected, thoughtful and caring me will be there and not the slobbering emotional idiot.

I say FORCE yourself to be the new self. The more you are calm, cool and collected, the more that persona will be the one to react. If that becomes you, that's who will react.

It almost seems like you are validating her concerns about you actually changing, right? Don't doubt yourself. If you truly want to change and therefore save the M, you will.

Stay strong!!

[Bolt]

Bolt, I would love to have my wife turn back to God. But she needs to find it for herself.

If I try to bring it to her, she will see it as trying to fix her.

Sounds like your sitch is on the right path, keep it on that path, stay patient. I don't want to see any posts about backsliding. lol.

I totally agree that she has to find it on her own. Have you tried it yourself? Sometimes by doing it (ONLY if you want to), she may see a positive change and be interested in it. It could happen.

re backsliding - I know I'm preparing myself to be different so that doesn't happen. Only looking forward.

[Bolt]

There's a saying:
"Talk to God about your friend, before you talk to your friend about God."

Excellent quote!

[habitacker]

Yea Bolt, I am there. Struggling to give it all to him though. Can't find complete faith.

Pickle's quote is good, and I have been doing that also. I don't know how or what to approach my wife with, so I am leaving it up to him to show me, and show her what to do.

His pace is slow, and I am confused if things that come to me on what to do are my feelings or his. I have asked him to be more blunt with me.

[ScaredinCanada]

Morning everyone,

So yesterday was my 8th anniversary. W had to work in the evening, so I got up with the girls. I thought about making my W breakfast in bed but figured it was pursuing. I left the card I got her on the island in our kitchen (at first she ingnored) but eventually she picked it up and opened it. She just said thanks.

After breakfast she started to ask me what I had planned for the day. I told her that I hadn't planned anything as I wanted to see what she wanted to do. (obviously I was getting at the fact that it was our anniversary) She just said that D6 needed new shoes, and that she had wanted to do some shopping, so I decieded to goto the gym with my brother in-law.

I asked her if she still wanted to go out for dinner for annivesary, and she just said "No thanks, I'm fine". Unfortuantly I asked her if she realized that it was our anniversay. She just said "Why would I do anything special our wedding isn't something I like to think about". I told her that was fine, that we could at least celebrate the day as a family, think about what our marriage has brought us - specifically our 3 girls! She replies, "Well it's not like we had to get married to have the girls, or that we only had them because we got married."

I just told her again that I'm worried about her, and I think she needs to really think about what she's doing. At same time I told her that I'm left waiting for her to decide which isn't fair to me. She told me it's really hard for her it's not easy. Even though supposedly my C (who he also goes too) said "I'm not sure how much I can do for you since you appear to have your mind made up", told her "to be honest with me and tell me where she stands."

Needless to say I'm not going back to the C.

At least I had a good workout, and I made a nice dinner for the kids and saved my W a plate (called her work and asked them to let her know I saved her a plate)

[habitacker]

Don't get bummed out about the "no" to the dinner date. Sounds like it was her loss to me.

Maybe it was just the way you typed it, but it also sounds like she is just being negative. Almost like a child that wants something, but is to stubborn to admit it. Did you get that vibe at all, or is it just me?

[ScaredinCanada]

Don't get bummed out about the "no" to the dinner date. Sounds like it was her loss to me.

Maybe it was just the way you typed it, but it also sounds like she is just being negative. Almost like a child that wants something, but is to stubborn to admit it. Did you get that vibe at all, or is it just me?

Oh for sure, I have 3 little ones, and it feels just like how they act sometimes. Honestly I'm 95% past it, although I can tell by some of the things she said (can't explain it) that she doesn't believe that I'm "ok with the sitch".

I feel like she might be waiting until she feels that I'm done before she actually drops the Divorce Bomb...but who knows I could be wrong. Either way, I doesn't really matter to me.

Like I was saying to Scared2Def, I'm in good place now. I feel detached from my emotions and I'm really focused on becoming the ME that I really want to be. If she wants to come along and enjoy the man I am becoming then great - if not, well then that's her loss.

[habitacker]

If it was the vibe I was talking about, I would take that as a good sign. Like she wants to go out with you, but she is being stubborn, and if she did, it would go against everything.

I wish you would not of wrote that 2nd paragraph. My feelings exactly. It is like she is waiting for me to get back on my feet so I will be alright when the time comes. I have felt this from day one.

I take 2 positives from this though. 1. We are mind reading, but if this is the way she feels now, at least it is giving us, and them,time to change their thoughts.

2. Why not just end it now? What is stopping them? These are questions I am glad I can still ask.

Sounds like you are in a good frame of mind, try to keep it that way. I have felt that way, and then fell back down. This can go in 2 day phases for me. I don't think I have ever let it show at home though. I have been strong enought to keep it to myself.

Well actually, everyone on here, and god, get to hear about it often.