On Figurative Ledge - Talk Me Down?

[FellOnBlackDays]

Denver,
Saw your latest:

"Not sure if you read my longer post from last night, but I met with FIL for coffee last night. He told me that he heard from W's mom that W doesn't think that I love her and am just waiting for her to file for D so that I can get her to take on 1/2 of our debt. She thinks this bc I haven't called her, sent her flowers, or asked her on a date. The problem with this info is that it is double hearsay, i.e., from W to M to FIL to me. I don't know the context of how all of that was actually said. Anyway, it has me doubting the rule of not initiating contact with W. That is why I broke down and called her tonight. "

And I have some advice. Be careful with the in-laws. For the past 15 years, my FIL has been one of my best friends. We have season tickets together to the local college and pro teams. We do tons of stuff together despite the fact that he is 60. I lost my own father 10 years ago and he has filled in nicely. But, just this past week, he screwed me. During all this mess, he kept telling me that he was in my corner and wanted to see me stay with his daughter. He told me that I was the son he never had and he didn't want to lose me. So, one day I asked him point blank if he would help me with this mess and if he would support me through this. He stated he would.

So, one day last week, I was feeling particularly down. I called him up and asked him if I could come over to his house. He is retired and my MIL was at work. I have to go over there while my MIL is at work because she is not a fan of mine right now. She has convinced herself that her daughter is a victim in this thing. The bitch leaves me and she is the victim??? Go figure? Anyway, I showed up at FIL's house, told him I was worried about the fact that I had not heard from my W in a long time and wanted to know what he knew. He told me he understood my concern and I could ask what I wanted. I asked him probably 10 questions about her behavior and actions lately. He told me what he could. He then proceeded to tell me that he and his wife are very concerned about my W. He stated that she has been acting strangely around them and being very distant when she visits. He proceeds to tell me that he and my MIL are very concerned about her behavior and are worried about her. He was worried because apparently during one of the periods where she "went dark" she was doing it to them too, not just me. He then asks me to keep them posted if I hear anything about W. I agree. We hug. I leave.

Tuesday night when my W showed up, that is what she jumped me about right out of the gate. She was pissed because I had "interrogated" her father. She knew everything. The day and time I went over, the questions I asked, everything!!! Somebody ratted me out. I don't know if my FIL just mentioned my visit to my MIL and she ratted me out. Or, if my FIL ratted me out. None the less, NEVER, NEVER forget... Blood is thicker than water and in-laws will always take the side of their child. Just be careful about what you hear or say in front of your FIL. Don't be fooled. In his mind, you are messing with his daughter..

As for the part where they told you that your W thinks you are going to drop a D on her, that is a pickle. It is kind of contradictory. If she is through with you and doesn't care, why would she be concerned about you dropping the D on her? She wants it to be over, right? I have suffered through the same "mixed messages" from my W. I told my C about the things my W has said to me and he has commented that my W is very, very confused right now. He also can't understand why she continues to claim it is over, but exhibits the actions of someone that doesn't really know what to do. But, I know how you feel. The entire time I "went dark," I laid awake at nights wondering if my W thought the "darkness" was me showing her that the feelings of wanting to end this thing were mutual. I am happy to report that Tuesday night I was able to clear that up. When she inquired about me "going dark," I told her I did it for two reasons. One, she asked for it. Two, it was for my own good and for my own reasons that she was not privy to. She smiled and thanked me for the time and space that I gave her. Of course, this was moments after she told me it was over. But, when we "go dark," we show them that we can stand alone. That we can, should we chose, walk away also. We show them that they don't hold all the cards. I know my wife was probably freaking out a bit when I "went dark" for close to a month. I went from emailing her three times a day, sending cards and flowers, calling constantly to nothing for four weeks. It sucked. I paced the floors worrying that my actions were being misinterpreted. But, we can't worry about that, man. When we "go dark," we are putting a message in a bottle and throwing it out to sea. Will it reach our spouses? Who knows? But, we have to throw that bottle in the ocean for our own sanity. We have to throw that bottle to prove to no one but ourselves that we can do it.

But, don't feel bad about contacting her. Hell, I told you to do it a couple of threads ago. I am glad it felt good for you. Now that my W and I have agreed to an open line of communication going forward, I do plan on making some "light" contact here and there. Just keep doing what you are doing. Call, be breezy, make small talk and hang up after a few minutes. Eventually, she will start to wonder what is going on and may stay on the line a bit longer in the future. Not to mention, it will quell your fear that she thinks you are going to drop a D on her. If you are calling her to be a "friend," she won't think a D is coming. Not to mention, at some point you may catch her in a chatty mood and who know what will happen.

I do find it somewhat ironic that you and I are giving each other advice considering we both ended up in this mess around the same time. But I guess it never hurts to hear another opinion.

Keep up the good work, buddy. Stay strong. Remember, you and I will be the ones to determine how this ends... not them.

FOBD