Paroled !!! MLC prison no more!!!

[FaithnAK]

My opinion.

You know your STBXW better than any of us. Ultimately, you need to decide what's best for you.

From an outside POV, it's probably a test to see if she can still lure you. Turn her down and see if she pursues. If she wants to be with you, she will find a way.

You are in a posistion of "high ground"; you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Everything you have done and gone through is ultimately because of her bad behavior and issues. Don't respond to this test. If she is changing there will be more and different opportunities.

Just my opinion.

[ericmsant2]

Swiss miss, rings, missher

This is a hard posting to respond to for me. You know where I am at in my process so please consider this when you read my response.

First, a mutual friend of ours used a line in a response to me that I have been dying to use and I now have a chance to so here goes…

“do what you need to do – f*ck what I say…I’m just words on a screen brother”

Okay, so here goes….

1) Do you what YOU want to DO. No one should question your CHOICES EXCEPT YOU.

I am open to reconciliation

Ask yourself why? Is it because it is familiar? Is it because you loved her as a person? Why is it that you are open to reconciliation? Answer this and you just may have your answer.

I am more than mildly interested in at this point.

I am in the same boat Miss. So is this person the “back up plan”? If so, is it fair to her?

When I called her back, she was pleasant and asked how I was doing.

Ya know I just saw a post from Sandi over in newcomers where she said something along the lines of “this is where men mess up – they think that the minute a women is nice and wants to have a nice time, that it means she wants to reconcile”. Miss, maybe your W just wants to maintain a good R with you for the sake of the children. The question I think you should ask yourself is WHY are you thinking that she is trying to feel you out? Oh, another question is why do you give a chit?

She said she wanted to do it as a thank you for helping her to move into her new place, duplex with 2 bedrooms.

Maybe you should believe that all she wants is to thank you for helping her move. BTW, IF she said she wanted to reconcile, would you serve ice cream with the…..

My concern here is that if I go over there and have dinner with her and the kids, the kids will get a mixed message

Who is the kids parent? Who has provided the stable direction for them?

D14 and I have already had this discussion.....she wants us to "start acting divorced" meaning no more hugs and kisses.

Your D, who by the way is adorable is telling you what she wants. Having said this, I do not believe that YOUR kids should be controlling how you live your life. It seems to me that your D is telling you “chit or get off the pot”.

The other concern is that as I start to get a little more serious with this other woman I really need to back off of my STBXW.

Once again, IMO, we can either “feel” done OR “choose to be done”. Dude, stop for one second man, think about everything you want in your life, think about who better yet the type of person YOU want in your life. Is your W that person?

I am okay with the contact we have had and I am still pressing forward with the divorce.

Why are you still pressing forward? You either want this or ya don’t. IMO, do not let YOUR “feelings” drive what your mind tell you to do.

I am not going to pursue it and to be honest I am not even sure that unless she met certain conditions (transparency) that I would want to try.

Put your eggs in the “transparency” basket and you will fail IMO. With technology the way it is today, if someone wants to contact another person they will and YOU will not know.
TRUST Miss….can you TRUST her? I have myself questioned if trust could be re-established and although I initially thought it could not I now believe it can. Does Chris want to do that work?

Do I care???

Do you? You tell me.

If I say no and she later reveals that she was reaching out, how will I feel???

Man is it easy to Monday morning quarterback. What if? Maybe? Could have? Should have? Miss, I think for most of us, we will always have a little of that what if thoughts in our mind. What if I did more, could I have done more, what if she did this or did that. Man, we can’t live in the what if?

Dude, your spinning again. I know how it feels. I will support whatever YOU decide to do! Whatever! I love ya like a bro man and want nothing but the best for YOU.

Ya know what? YOU decide what is best for YOU.
You can let her go now….change your mind tomorrow, change it again 2 years from now. All of this is on YOU.

As for me, what I would…..

I’d go to dinner..try and have a nice dinner with my kids (keep a check on my anger). I would not push, not look into anything and IF my W made a move on me….I would tell her that we are getting divorced and I do not believe it is a good idea. I would also tell her that I am involved with someone else and that we BOTH must now LIVE with the CHOICES that we BOTH made.

At the end of the day, Miss….YOU CHOOSE. Stop for a second and revel in that thought for a second. In some ways, you need to thank your W.

I’m here for you man….

Oh...and I have an idea....can you ask her to invite me so that you have someone else to hang out with? LOL

With love,
Eric

[fisherman]

I hear some SERIOUS squeaking!!

I really have not thought about it one way or the other.

Are you sure man?? Not at all?

Side note here.....my STBXW has not asked me to do anything with her as a family or individually since April 2010, when she offered to come over and help plant some plants and have some beer.

Is this her testing the waters??
Do I care???
If I say no and she later reveals that she was reaching out, how will I feel???
Is this bad for the kids, does it send the wrong message???

FTR....I never have really completely turned my back on her.....my DBing was for me.....and I still am DBing.....always will.

The other concern is more hypothetical or rhetorical....

Let us assume that I was interested in reconciling......

What would be the right course of action if I wanted to reconcile????

Go over for dinner or don't go???? Which would be the better option for reconciling?

Being completely honest about what I want......I don't know if I want to reconcile.....

BUT

It would be nice to hear that my STBXW would want to reconcile, not so I could slam her and say "no effing way".....

I guess maybe more of "Hey look I came out of the tunnel, I realized I effed up and I would like to try"

Call it external validation for me, call it whatever......

I am not sure myself.....that is why I came here.

Dude, this sounds like a whole lot of thinking right here.I really don't care for the "believe non of what they say shitt." Are they mixed up? Eff yes!

Does the "thank you dinner" sound a bit odd? Sure, but the whole "believe non of what they say" thing leaves the door wide open for folks to not truly accept what is going on.

I saw a whole different Missher last week. One who was detached and said he didn't care. Then the poor guy gets invited to dinner...

Well, a little more on MHL's activities as of late.....I have been dating for the last 2 months and have met many very nice women and have been having a great time!!! For me it has reminded me of some of the things that I need to do to keep the attraction alive!!! I take care of myself, eat right, exercise, and don't take myself too seriously. This is how we should act in our marriages, that is.....trying to constantly "attract" our spouses.

Bingo, you do sound pretty damn attractive. Why does this invite surprise you and stir up all of these questions? What's in the playbook? What is it that the vast majority of them do?

They almost always check to see where they stand with you after a while. They seem to want you close but not too close. They want to make sure your still "there".

The other thing I realize is that she is still in the tunnel, deep....just from the things she said and how she is rationalizing her decisions. She may never come out or may come out after getting involved in another R with another man. I do not want her in my life in her current state of mind, so I am pressing forward with divorce....it is what I want.

I think you're correct about being her still being out there. Does that mean you shouldn't go to dinner? You can only answer that one. Just be mindful of the above and see this for what it is.

I agree with Jack too. Please be very careful with the woman you are currently seeing. I know you have a lot to think about, but is she really getting all of you right now?

As for dinner, this is JMO but I think your STBX is making sure your still "around."

[dl443322]

Ah Miss, this [censored], doesnt it? Just when you think you have it all figured out, she goes and does this.

First things first. Not a good idea to get anymore serious with the woman you are dating. You are nowhere near ready to do that.

Now, I always say, when you arent sure about what to do, follow your gut. It's rarely wrong.

If I had to guess, she is feeling you out. Maybe to recon, maybe to see where you're at, maybe to see if she can get you to jump. Who knows?

Not really important. What is important is that your words dont match what you're feeling. It's ok. It happens.

So, you do care. You are having some expectations. Not the best way to go into a dinner.

Gotta dig a little here, my friend.

As far as your daughter. They aint stupid. Think about what she is saying. She is seeing something maybe you arent.

Hang in there. You got some work to do.

[warriorshadow]

Well as some of you know I filed for Divorce on Nov 17th and D day is February 11th. I do not want to continue in this marriage anymore, however I am open to trying to reconcile if my STBXW wants to try but really I do not care one way or the other at all.

UP HERE ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
First you say you don't, then you say you do, then you say you don't.

That's what jumped out at me. You asked for my opinion.

I see a Missher who is not done. I also see a Missher that

is enjoying life with a new person. You clearly do not know

what you want and I don't have any wood product suitable for

you at the moment.

That said, I smell your W is trying to make this facade of

co-parenting, why can't we just get along and be friends, BS

that I have been getting from my W. My W clearly is deep in

the fog. I think you need to be careful here. I, myself, would

decline the invite and say I have plans already that evening.

If she is turning the corner there will be more attempts in

the future. If there are not more attempts, then you know how

hard she is willing to work to put this HUGE F'd up mess back

together.

As far as this new woman, if you let her in on your thoughts,

what woman is going to understand that dynamic.

I put myself in her shoes and think in my mind I can't trust

this guy for ch!t right now.

I am sorry Missher, I love ya man but you wanted my .02 cents.

I really think your W has a looong way to go. My opinion again.

I still have not heard any signs of her going through any

withdrawl depression yet. Last I read on your post she was good

with the divorce saying "That is what I want" when you asked her.

In my opinion again, you really need a year before dating.

Too late for that.

You gonna just dump this new person?

I guess friendship first with this new person 'cause those

are the best long term relationships anyway.

WS

[angel61]

Missher, you are one of those people in this boards who have been a rock to a lot of us newcomers. I have been through some of your threads and it humbles me to think of the pain you have been through.

Stop, breathe, think of all the advice you have given us. Turn it around for yurself.

I agree with warrior shadow, if she is turning a corner, she will ot stop with one invitation, or one attempt to come back. Make her pursue!

[Truegritter]

Hey Buddy

Sorry I couldn't get to this earlier.

What I have to say has already been said.

I think she is drawing you back in because she thinks she can or is worried.

You forget. She is confused.

And I don't see anything that tells me she is unconfused.

You asked about a week ago "you still want this D?"

Her answer?

You have taken a step toward moving forward. Keep stepping until she catches up to you and begs you to walk with her.

That ain't happening right now. I don't see that.

Find out what she's cooking. If it is something you want to eat go...

If it is a meal you've had many times and don't feel like eating it...

Don't go.

Me?

Right now it would have to be one f@cking fantastic dinner.

That's what I want. That is what I need to see.

Sounds like beans and weenies to me right now.

You know what to do.

[warriorshadow]

I want ribs!!! Seriously Grit!!

[PEI]

the whole "believe non of what they say" thing leaves the door wide open for folks to not truly accept what is going on

Spot on IMO. In the beginning I wanted so badly for my H to be showing "signs" that ^^^^ became like a mantra for me. It led to disappointment and confusion for ME on so many occasions.

IMO, she may just be saying thanks ... no different than the "friendship" you showed her by helping her move. I would take her at her word ... and I wouldn't go. Why not? For a couple of reasons ... 1) IF she's peeking out and testing the waters no better way to show her you are not her cat toy to bat around, and 2) the kids deserve an example that is consistent ... divorcing people may get along, but they do not hug and kiss, it is a confusing message and won't help them form ideas about healthy Rs for their own future. Now, that being said, I think that once you are in a position where you are enforcing boundaries and can have a friendly dinner without expectation, hope, worry or all of this ^^^ "not thinking about it" ... then go for it. Being friends would likely benefit your kids in the long run.

IMO, I think you are switching lanes and doing a very natural shoulder check... even though you already checked your mirrors.

Sounds like a whole lotta thinking, "buts" and "what if's" to me ... so I'm gonna tell you what I tell anyone at this point ...

Time. Be still for a bit, and truly listen to what your gut is telling you.

You are "done" if you are "done". And until then, you are not. Or is it that simple??? I think not always. This isn't a black and while world ... we are wading through so many shades of grey.

You make your decisions based on what you want, regardless of what your stbxW does. These choices are yours based on the man you are ... not based on what someone else says or does ...

I will say this ... there is not room for 3 people in any relationship (even if the 3rd is left over emotions for your stbxW). It didn't work for your marriage and it won't work for any new relationship either.

Process where you really are. Are you really asking these questions? Or did you throw it out there for some challenges so you could see if the wood stung? I've done that ... sometimes it did, and other times I was where I thought I was.

You know how to get me if you need to ... Happy Little Friday buddy

Peace
PEI

[crushednstuck]

Missher, I had mixed emotions about your moving on. Happy you found peace with a decision, but dissappointed that someone in a seemingly similar sitch to mine was moving on.

I'm probably the least credible person to respond here because my W still can successfully sink the hook in me every few months, but you sound a lot like me. Ready to move because I'm satisfied that it's over, I've exhausted the range of emotions, then the anger sneeks back. Not with the power it did, but latently - ebbing slowly away.

If you are like me the temptation is too great during a nice family dinner to give in to the warmth (or feeling of warmth) that I used to have. A perhaps lingering kiss is followed by her disappearance down the hole and I start all over again.

I'm horrible at picking up the subtle signs women give, but IMO you need a neon flashing billboard before returning.
Best of luck.