I have been meaning to catch up with my story here so here goes.

I had not heard from W since I called her Christmas day to wish her Merry Christmas.

She said she was going to call back because she was with her family and opening presents.

Ten days later she gets back to me asking me for tax stuff which I sent then wanted to talk and catch up. I just responded by text. She was persistent about talking to me to "catch up" I took the opportunity to explain to her where I am.

That I am moving forward with my life. I sent her a text:

"I think it best for me right now that I don't talk to you. I am ready to move forward with my life. I feel talking to you connects me to you emotionally and that is something I no longer want. I need to move past this. I do understand that u r trying your best to live the life you want. I can no longer put myself into the emotion of interacting with you unless I feel there is a future for our M. Right now I do not see that future. As long as you are choosing things that are damaging and disrepsectful to our M, I can no longer be in your life."

W: I really do want to speak to you.

Me: I can't talk I am slammed all day. Busy.

W: I wish you would reconsider.

We talked later and I said the same things. I asked her why she thought I should reconsider. She said reconsider talking to her. I said why should I reconsider talking to you? She said she didn't want talk about it. She said she would call me back. She didn't.

Sent her tax stuff over on email.

She sent email: Thank you. If you are able to talk call me this week.

I sent email back:

W I know this may be hard for you to understand and I know you are dealing with your own issues. I am truly sorry that you are having such a tough time and that your troubles became such a burden before and during our marriage.

I do realize that you need to be free to make your own choices and I love you enough to let you do that and without judgment. I can only control myself and my choices.

I find, as I have explained to you, that I can no longer have this emotional attachment to us. It has been over a year and as little as we do speak I keep waiting for signs that our lives may one day come back together.

As long as there is another man in your life that process cannot even begin.

I do not desire our old marriage back. I do not desire the woman in that old marriage. I do not want to feel the feelings I felt in our old marriage. I will not be the man I was in our old marriage.

I am just facing the brutal facts W. I love you. I do not want that life back. I cannot be in your life unless I see a future for a new marriage.

That depends on you right now not me. As long as there is another man in your life, then I will not be in your life.

So I will not be calling you.

When and if you feel you want and desire to have a marriage with me. Then we can cross that bridge.

Right now? I am moving forward with my life.

I do love you and want the best for you. I wish I could help my dear but this you must do on your own.

I will continue to pray for you and hope that you find peace and happiness, maybe with me, but certainly within your life whatever you choose.

So that it is where it lies.

I realize that my W has troubles that I cannot help her confront and conquer.

I relaize that as long as she is with OM, it is just a crutch, as I remain a crutch as long as I allow myself to be.

I am doing her nor me any service by allowing that to continue.

This has been a long process to come to this. For me to live and learn the man I want to be. The life I want with my W or without her.

She really must go this road without me. It has been a repeating cycle of her ebb and flow in and out of clarity and feeling for me and our M.

Until she stops OM or anyone else in her life and faces what she must face to heal. She will not be in my life.

I am at peace with this and know it is the only truth to our life together.

Or apart.

My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am