On Figurative Ledge - Talk Me Down?

[Denver_2010]

Gritter, Sandi, everyone -

I let myself backslide bc I'm unsure of my strategy right now. I feel like I am working on two separate things here. 1) Working on finding myself and becoming the man/husband that I have always wanted to be, but failed in being with W; and 2) Trying to save M. Not necessarily in that order... it depends on the day.

I really have been working on #1. I know that I am nowhere near where I want to be, nor where you and others have landed after going through this process. But I am truly trying.

Where I struggle is #2. When I feel that I am ignoring the fact that I AM ALSO trying to save M. I'm beginning to think that going to complete darkness with W is not the best right now. To explain why, means to give some additional info on my situation.

As I stated before, W never truly trusted that I loved her. I tried to show her in my own way, but not in the way that she needed to be shown. W came to believe that I was selfish, self centered, and wished that I lived the 'single' life. When she dropped the bomb and left me, I told her that I planned to fight for M. To convince her that we could be happy together and our M could be a good one. I believed that then, and I still believe it.

If I don't show some action to show W that I am doing what I said that I would do, I feel that she will believe that she was right about me... that I don't truly love her, that I am selfish and self centered, that I am enjoying the 'single' life. She would be wrong, but that very well COULD be her PERCEPTION. If W believes this, she will also believe that her choice to leave me was right.

I KNOW that I need to balance this with her need for space and time to come to her own conclusions as to what is best for her life. And I know that I need to validate all of her feelings about where our M went wrong that are true... and there are many that deserve validating.

Then there is the reality of W's situation right now. She has leased a house for 6 months. I believe that this lease expires at the end of May and that the owners plan to move back in at that time. W will have major choice to make sometime in the months of March and April. That choice being 1) give our M another shot, or 2) find a more permanent living situation for her and SS.

Obviously if W chooses option 2, then I am in for a long haul in fixing M. But I still believe that there is a chance that she will choose option 1. I can't go dark on her for weeks and months at a time and support the perception of me being selfish ect. as described above and hope that I can turn this around by March or April. I have to be more proactive.

One of two things that may happen could change my opinion on this. 1) I get to April/May and she chooses to find more permanent living arrangement rather than give M another shot. 2) At any time b/w now and then she files for D or LS. If either of these things happen, I think that I can safely say that I am in for a long DB haul. At that point, I think that I would feel more comfortable detaching and possibly going dark.

Does this make sense? Am I wrong here that I can put off going dark and some of the detaching for a couple of months??

What do you guys think?

Please don't give up on me Gritter and Sandi... I value your advice, but am also trying to figure out what is best with my particular circumstances...

DBMOD - do you have an opinion? Can I get a bump too? My posts have been sluggish that last couple of days. Thanks everyone!