On Figurative Ledge - Talk Me Down?

[InAPickle]

Detachment is a long drawn out process and it take a little at a time. You measure by the amount of time you spend daydreaming about the W or Sitch, by the amount of rollercoaster cycles of pain, anger, sadness and calm you experience. Slowley over time the bad things recede, to where you can at least concentrate on your work or things you enjoy and you actually experience intervals where the W and the Sitch are not in the forfront. They never fully go away, and from time to time you will find your thoughts and emotions drifting back to an unpleasant place, but at least you can begin to function in life and assume an objective outlook for yourself. The most difficult thing for me is the waiting. When is she going to serve me D papers? or When is she going to begin to emerge from the fog? It's only been since Oct24, a microsecond really in MLC time, so you have to realize eventually you must continue to live as if either has happened, onward we must go. And I wish I would take my own advice.

[Denver_2010]

Having a hard time tonight Pickle. Thinking about backsliding in an hour or so once I know SS has gone to bed. I'm not very detached tonight my man...

[FellOnBlackDays]

Denver,
Read my latest post and then get back in touch with me. Look, my W went 14 days with no contact recently. I was going mad, but I stood my ground. Last night she thanked me for giving the time she asked for and actually complimented me on how well I am taking the separation. That is the first time she has ever said anything like that. Be strong, buddy. Keep posting, keep coming here for support. I have cried ever day for the past week. Don't really know why because I was doing so well. There will be bad times. Hang in there.

Here is some advice. Sit down tonight and figure out a way that you could initiate contact without looking like you are fishing. Then, if you get a meeting, DB hard as you can. Heck, read some of the book right before you meet with her. Take one stiff drink and be calm. Then go show her the new man you are. I promise she will be intrigued. I know my wife is still very far from even considering coming home, but I also know that she went home thinking about me last night in a whole new light. You have to be different to make them second guess what they are doing. The same old you will elicit the same old response. I was completely blown away last night by what happened when I DB'd by the book. Do it for you so that you will know you tried your best. Now, pick yourself up, put on your DB hat and get that meeting. If my W and I had not met last night, we would have continued to play the same B/S mind games for weeks. We would have continued to hide behind emails and texts and taken pot shots at each other from the cover of an electronic wall. Take that wall down. It is much harder for her to fling crap at you in person. Email is easy as there is no eye contact. In two hours, I achieved a goal I set two months ago. I got my open line of communication. Now, I can show her what a new man I have become. Sure, I have a long way to go, I am scared and I know that there is still a greater than 50% chance my marriage is over. But, the only shot you will always miss is the one you don't take. Go, get that meeting and show her that you are worth her time. Good luck and godspeed!

FOBD

[mj144]

Well said. This is a great opportunity. Stay calm. Take an extra minute of thought before saying or doing aanything. It will pay off. This is a marathon not a sprint my good man. The race has just begun.

[Denver_2010]

FOBD - I'm happy that you're back. I was starting to get concerned that you had abandoned us I think that there are a few gents on here that have similar situations to mine, but your's is most similar bc our W's are both out of the home. Mine may be a bit worse bc I'm pretty confident that there is EA going on with W. I'm not sure of its status since I haven't asked in weeks.

Anyway, I called W this evening. We made some idle chit chat about her work. I then told her that I was just calling to say "hello" and to see "how she is doing". She was surprised bc she expected that I had called for a purpose. I said no, that I just wanted to say 'hi' and let her know that I am still here for her and SS if they need me for anything. She said 'thank you. I appreciate that.'... I said 'well, I'm still your husband and I think about, and worry, about you guys every day." She said 'thank you' again. She was working when I called, so I told her that I'd let her get back to it. And we said goodbye.

The whole call was 4 minutes long, but seemed like an eternity. It was so nice to hear her voice, even if it was for just a short time. She wasn't exactly warm towards me, but it wasn't cold either.

FOBD, you talk about crying for days when you thought that you were doing better, that is exactly what I have been doing for the past 4 myself. I went an entire week feeling pretty confident and strong, but when Friday evening rolled around I hit a major bump in the road.

Not sure if you read my longer post from last night, but I met with FIL for coffee last night. He told me that he heard from W's mom that W doesn't think that I love her and am just waiting for her to file for D so that I can get her to take on 1/2 of our debt. She thinks this bc I haven't called her, sent her flowers, or asked her on a date. The problem with this info is that it is double hearsay, i.e., from W to M to FIL to me. I don't know the context of how all of that was actually said. Anyway, it has me doubting the rule of not initiating contact with W. That is why I broke down and called her tonight.

I don't know how it was received by W. I hope that it at least makes her realize that I do still care about she and SS and worry about them. Who knows?

The problem with contacts like your's and mine is that, at least for me, I get really down afterwards. Bc I want more. I want W to all of sudden start to WANT me to call, or better yet, for her to start contacting me. Instead, I'm probably looking another week at least of no contact. It crushes me. I cried after I got off the phone with her. If it were up to me I would wrap her in my arms and never let her go again.

Sandi - I know that I went against your advice. Please don't give up on me! I had to do this.

[Denver_2010]

Response to Hope2011 from my other thread:

"Hi Denver,


Our sitches have some similarities. Mostly, the lashing out at each other. You're doing good at keeping your cool. Also, my H and I are from different backgrounds. He was a bank VP living in a fancy house driving an expensive car, I work in the non-profit sector. I've done in a lot in my career, he respects that, but my income has not helped take all his bills away and resents that. He brings up our differences in "lifestyles" frequently... meaning money. So I feel for your wife on that... feeling inadequate, feeling like having so much less money leaves inequality and a powerless feeling. If you truly mean to take on the debts yourself... offering her a LS just for that, for her piece of mind, to rebuild trust... do it. IF that's what's best for you too and you were planning to take on the debt anyway.

Don't mean to highjack your thread but a few questions:

1. When you became a WAH, what changed your mind and made you want to try again? Me being a WAH was just a fantasy that I went a little too far acting out. I knew deep down that I was not going to D W even though I had thoughts about it. The worst thing about it though is that I let it go on for months at a time. This turned W into WAW.

2. Did you ever look down on your W for making so much less than you and for giving her and her son things she could have never afforded? I didn't meant to do this, but I think that W perceived that I did. Mainly for the same reason that you say that you can relate to W... she wasn't able to help much with paying down our debt. I also made demeaning comments about her low salary in the past when we'd argue about the time that I spent at my job. I felt unappreciated for providing so well for W and SS and lashed out when I was then criticized about it.

3. Did you go to church before this? Is she religious? What does she say about you going to church? I did not go to church before this. W said a number of times that we should start going as a family. I was resistant bc I am agnostic and didn't see the point if I didn't have 'faith'. I started going once W left me bc I was so utterly devastated that I needed any and all positive experiences that I could find. I have found the positive experience that I was looking for, but also a new found respect for the messages that are given in church. I think it can be good for anyone. While she has not said anything to me directly about me going now, I have heard from FIL that she thinks that it is just a ploy to get her to come back. I need to show her that it is not, that I am doing it for me. That is true.

[Truegritter]

I'm about to have a major backslide... I can't take the no contact bw W and I. I'm going to call her to see how she is doing...

Ask yourself why Denver.

I understand your attachment believe me. I told you this is the hardest part.

You are attached to your old M.

It does not mean you don't love or care about your W. It means you love her enough to give her space.

For her choices.

Not forcing or controling what you want right. To validate yourself.

We start here with a lot of fear and we come here to get our spouse back.

All your actions right now, all your thoughts are on this goal.

This is still the old you thinking and driving your actions.

Detachment is for you. When you pull yourself out of the fear based thinking that got you here.

You cannot control this. You will try and you will backslide until you learn from your mistakes.

Listen to Pickle. He has been there and knows that road. It is fresh in his mind.

This is a long process Denver. And your detachment is a process that will go through many stages.

You are asking some good questions. I see you digging. More work to do. Put your miner hat on and turn on that little light on the front. That begins YOUR journey.

Your W must come to her answers and you must let her do that. That may or may not include you.

Very difficult question for you.

What are you prepared to do for your M if you are not assured it can be saved?

[hope2011]

Denver, thanks for answering my questions, I really appreciate it.

I'm in no right place in my head to give you advice right now. I just want to say that I'm praying for you.

[Denver_2010]

I called W last night. We made some idle chit chat about her work. She was fairly short with me when I asked her what was up with her. I then told her that I was just calling to say "hello" and to see "how she is doing". She was surprised bc she expected that I had called for a purpose. I said no, that I just wanted to say 'hi' and let her know that I am still here for her and SS if they need me for anything. She said 'thank you. I appreciate that.'... I said 'well, I'm still your husband and I think about, and worry, about you guys every day." She said 'thank you' again. She was working when I called, so I told her that I'd let her get back to it. And we said goodbye.

The whole call was 4 minutes long, but seemed like an eternity. It was so nice to hear her voice, even if it was for just a short time. She wasn't exactly warm towards me, but it wasn't cold either.

[Denver_2010]

Thanks Hope. I am for you as well.