Detachment issues

[AntoniaB]

I don't know what to do so for now I'm doing nothing. Get out the tissues people. This is bound to make you cry.

Things are wrapping up for me and H as far as the divorce and the legal issues. He is mailing the notice to proceed without a hearing in to the court tomorrow and I signed the loan to get a new mortgage and buy him out today. I have told him in the past 24 hours that I think it is best for me to not know where he moves to in the coming months (or to even know when he moves) because the more I know about his life, the more I imagine him with her, and it tears me apart. So I said I think we're coming to a point where when the dust settles, we need to stay out of each others' lives. I still have his phone in case of emergency, of course, but I don't see a reason for us to continue to have contact very soon. I told him what restaurants and stores I go to and said he could "have everything else" in his area and beyond and to just respect my privacy.

I got this in return:

I am typing this with tears running down my face. The thought of never seeing you again is painful to me. Probably as painful as you thinking about me in my new life is to you. Susan, you are a wonderful, intelligent, attractive, and fascinating woman and it was I who failed in our marriage. I walked out the door. The failure falls squarely on my shoulders. I take the blame for the demise of our marriage. I am a different person now than I was then and I think it took me enacting the destruction of our marriage to transform. Just as this process has transformed you it has transformed me. I am still in the process myself. I see my flaws and I am learning to control them. I am not yet 100% successful. Maybe I never will be but I hope to get better. I see my irrational thoughts and emotions and I keep them in check. I am sorry for the damage and the pain I have caused in your life and I hope you can forgive me. I know that you have moved on and I hope you are excited about your future. You have many things to offer the world and hopefully the world will reward you. You deserve better than what I did to you.

I am optimistic about my future. I am in the best place mentally that I have been in a long time. I realize now that I have a lot left to give and learn and I am excited to see where life takes me. If you ever need to contact me for any reason please feel free to do so. It isn't a sign of "weakness". It is what remains of a bond that I broke and tarnished. Everyone's lives are made better by their contact with good people. You are a good person and you have touched my life in a positive way. I will always cherish the good times and have no desire to blot them out. The good and the bad have made me who I am and I need to learn to love that person. Please don't think I am a bastard for saying these things now. I just wanted to end on a good note.

Love,

Darren

I left our real names here because he doesn't know about this board. He isn't going to look. And because this is who we are.

I just don't know what to do or say to him. I am at a loss. I don't have any illusions about this. He is not going to choose me. I know this in my heart.

This is the first and only time he has said "love" to me since he left. And yet I still know that I have lost him.

What kind of world is it where 2 people who love each other this much cannot be together? I just don't understand.