I don't know what role I may have played with it in the past, though I believe it is her issue.
What I've found, is that whenever I see a pattern in my H that I'm unhappy with, there's always, always a pattern I'm playing along with it, that is actually helping to sustain and reinforce his part of it.
Anyways, I'd suggest giving more serious thought to what you said - "I don't know what role I may have played with it in the past". [/quote]
FMV, I began, at your suggestion reading "The Dance of Intimacy" by Harriet Lerner. I'm good at self-management, getting better at assertiveness, working on maintaining a better attitude, and boundary setting, but still have trouble seeing how I influence patterns in my M. Maybe I'm being too black and white about mine versus her issues.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W announced yesterday that she intends to quit her PT job, because she thinks it is too toxic an environment for her. I admit my initial reaction was thinking about the impact on finances, and her past behavior with unemployment, which came across as unsupportive. I'll have to adapt to this situation. My role will be supportive, but also not allowing her to shut-down (I don't think she will), and keep her moving forward. She said she intends to attend a weekly job-hunting group. I'll have to get on the same page as her, as she has been thinking about this for some time.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W appreiciated my email message of support to leave her job if-needed. She let me know that she plans on replacing it with something part-time, while she looks for a good fit job. I reminded her that a PT job would give us disposable income for fun activities and unexpected expenses. I intend to hold her accountable for moving forward, and will let her go at her own pace.
The dance competition is nine days away. There are still a few wrinkles in the Foxtrot routine. The Rumba is looking pretty good. We have a lesson tonight, so I hope he gives some encouragement. I seem to be the one leading this project. I remind myself to focus on my part in the process, so insist on two nights per week of partner practice, and have begun practicing on my own in the mornings before work. This project is an opportunity to express myself in the R, and bring my style to our dance partnership. It's an opportunity to grow and explore.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I'm working thru "The Dance of Intimacy" by Harriet Lerner. Several of her comments have resonated with me. She talks about the importance of being strong, knowing who you are, knowing what your values are, and living by them, and participating in all aspects of a R, including the painful parts. She says that one of the most important ways to fix a R problem is to have a stronger presence in it.
In the past, I can see my pattern as being intentional about my career, but letting my W mostly drive the R. She was as clueless as I was, so no wonder we had problems. The intimacy wasn't there, but for both of us, it was probably more than we were used to experiencing. I would avoid problems, and was overly influenced by her anger and blaming, when I should have moved more into it to see what was going on.
I read books daily (Tibetan Buddhism, psychology) to work on my attitude. I am more clear on the ways I react to problems in my life and R in unhelpful ways that perpetuate problems for myself and my W.
I believe the dance competition next week is sign of my putting my voice into the dance R. In the past, the dancing was strictly Salsa, and I was along for the ride. I'm driving this project, and thanks to me, we go to ballroom dances, entered in a competition, and work on a diversity of dances. When the competition is over, I'm going to suggest to my W that we work on two dance--my choice and her choice.
She hasn't gotten paid for her PT job in several weeks, and money is getting tight again. I'm going to let her know that I'm cutting the dog's daycare to two days, until our cash flow is improved (she gets paid or finds a new job). Talking about and working thru problems together is also a form of intimacy.
I'm going to be starting next week a book called "Hold Me Tight." It's about the different types of conversations a couple needs to have to stay or be more connected. It's written by Sue Johnson, a psychologist who specializes in marital therapy.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I'm going to be starting next week a book called "Hold Me Tight." It's about the different types of conversations a couple needs to have to stay or be more connected. It's written by Sue Johnson, a psychologist who specializes in marital therapy.
Hi CL, glad to hear you've been gaining some insight from The Dance of Intimacy. I was surprised to see you're also going to be reading 'Hold Me Tight'. That was one of the first books my IC recommended I read and I thought it was excellent as well.
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
Talking about and working thru problems together is also a form of intimacy.
Amen to that. I agree. I think it's the ultimate form, and the one where most of us falter. Which is sad because I think it can bring us more intimacy than any other thing we do.
I admire your tenacity and courage in the work you're doing. Take care. FMV.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Life got away from me this week with work! Gotta love 14 hour days and meetings every spare moment!!
Anyway, those are good books and I'm glad you found them.
I just wanted to add, that whether we see it or not, both people in the relationship are responsible for the patterns. One person takes action and the other reacts to that, back and forth, back and forth. And it's usually very subtle.
My H for example would ask where do you want to go for dinner? I"d reply Olive Garden, he'd say "I"m not in the mood for pasta, how about we go to Red Robin". He would ask, I'd reply, he'd never want to eat that, and suggest something else. Years of this.
Well, why bother asking if you're always going to throw out my suggestion? Right? He thought he was having a conversation about where to go, and he never realized we always ate where he wanted. I gave up making suggestions and would just reply with I don't care, or I don't know.
Another example is when we would be out shopping and I'd say- Oh that would be great in the kitchen and he'd say, ya but do we really need it? Then a week later go get a new golf club (really, if you have a driver, do you need another????)
Me always being the listener and the smoother over, just let stuff side until I was so miserable I kicked him out.
3 years back together and his old habits are coming back. But last night I spoke up for myself!!! Ya.
Bottom line is my H never new how his words affected me, or were beginning to affect us. Until one day while we were separated and he asked me to dinner and I replied it really didn't matter what I said because he wouldn't want to go there and we'd end up going where he wanted anyway so why bother voicing an opinion when I'd just be discounted. He was stunned.
He does it with movies, vacations, hotels, and even my job now (he keeps trying to get me to teach middle school like him when I'm perfectly happy in elementary school and have been for 15 years)
He thinks he's being helpful and helping me to "be a better me" when in reality all I end up feeling is horrible, unhappy, unvalidated, unsupported, and hopeless.
I just wanted to add, that whether we see it or not, both people in the relationship are responsible for the patterns. One person takes action and the other reacts to that, back and forth, back and forth. And it's usually very subtle.
Bottom line is my H never new how his words affected me, or were beginning to affect us.
Sox
This is true and important to remember, how our words and moods affect the other person, and how we influence patterns in the R. I can recall many times when my W would ask for suggestions regarding restaurants, and how I would dismiss her suggestions. I was under the false impression, that she should tolerate my comments and moods, no matter what. She still says that I can be abrupt (impatient), I had no idea I had such a terrible attitude and communicated so poorly before. I blamed her for my lack of skill and effort.
I let her know that I didn't have the money for the dog's daycare. I knew it would stress her out, but I didn't think I should bear the problem myself. I proposed scaling back his daycare to two days per week until she gets some additonal cash flow beyond the cooking job. She insisted on keeping the dog in daycare three days per week, and will cover the expense.
The dance competition is this weekend. My W attended a make-up workshop over the weekend, and afterwards went to a high-end make-up store to purchase make-up. I must admit it does look good on her. She's procrastinated on putting together two costumes. I've let it be her problem. She's been getting assistance and offers to borrow clothing from classmates at the studio. The most important thing is the dance preparation, and I think we're ready and will do fine. Maybe some luck will go our way, and we'll win at least one event. I expect her to be stressed the day of the competition, so I'll need to make sure I'm in partner mode, and don't forget I'm not there to strictly enjoy myself, and give her some latitiude as this is our first experience competing as a couple. This has been my project from the beginning, so I need to take a leadership role and be attuned to her experience.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I'm working thru Hold Me Tight by Susan Johnson. She specializes in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. She bases this approach on Attachment Theory of John Bowlby, which speaks to the need for connection as fundamental in each of us. She believes that marital problems are when partners in a M are acting-out their fears regarding disconnection. Vulnerable feelings are communicated poorly. The antidote is that we have to be emotionally responsive to our partners.
This will require an act of courage for those of us in Piecing, who have been thru trauma in our M. The natural response is to protect oneself. It has been mentioned to me on my thread that I seem guarded. I've increased the connectiion with my W, but haven't always been emotionally responsive, and certainly have been guarded. I think this is the direction I'm going to need to move into. I have to remember that my W is trying to connect, and trust me when she's angry, or sharp. I'l keep reading,and see what specific suggestons she has.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Good luck at your competition, hope you do well and knock their socks off!
WCW, Thanks for the best wishes. My goal is to do well enough so that my W feels safe with me out on the floor. If I make a mistake, I will have to cover it well, recover quickly, and improvise. The routines are only a minute and a half long, thank goodness. We have to do two dances, three times each.
My W finally seems to be getting energized about this. She got her hair done yesterday, bought some dance shoes, got her nails done. She will get a spray tan today as her skin is fair. An instructor at the studio lent her a ballroom gown, which fortunately fit. She still has to decide on a Latin gown, which she should have in her possession.
I'm so excited about participating in this event, and am grateful that my W has agreed to do this.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
