Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[TulsaTime]

What Sad_ said. What an ass!

[hope2011]

Sad_but_happy.... how am I lucky when I'm the one stuck with the lying, cheating scum? lol

I got e-mails from some of them - none of them met him in person. The woman he pursued most aggressively sent me a long e-mail, thanking me for preventing him from hurting her too, apologizing for any part she had (she didn't know, so it's not her fault), and that he last boyfriend had cheated on her and she's here if I need someone to talk to. She's sick about it. Said they never met, she never even gave him her phone number, said they had planned to meet for coffee but didn't because she had to go out of town. They planned to meet the day he went out of town for that meeting - the one he asked me if I wanted to ride along to. What was that about?!?!?!

He may not have respected me, he may still not. But I am standing my ground on the car title and not giving him that e-mail back. If he learns nothing else, he will learn I am not a fool and just because I am keeping my temper and being cordial does not mean that I am a pushover.

So he hasn't met any of them in person. Now what? How do I trust him even though he hasn't physically cheated? No EA's, but he was searching for one. Am I stupid to feel relieved he didn't cheat on me and only wanted to? I'm more angry at myself for not just walking out right now.

The part that kills me is that.... he had all that with me. I know he wants someone new because she won't know what a jerk he can be. She will trust him. She will believe he's wonderful. Just like I once did. But he doesn't get... he'll let her down too and leave her too. It's all about him, someone adoring him... not what he can give someone else, not building a life with someone with the day to day stuff.

I am still DB'ing until I figure out what to do.

[Sad_but_happy]

Hope,
That's all well and good... Continue to DB, but it is time to set boundaries!

No cooking or cleaning or laundry or sleeping in the same bed... He has no reason to change! He has it all... You need to change your behavior in order for him to change his. What you have been doing is not working...

Time to 180 his a**!!!

You will feel empowered if you set boundaries! What have you got to Lose?

[hope2011]

All I've done for the past month is 180's. If I more, I'll go back to who I was - the woman I was when he signed up on the site. My 180's were working somewhat. In every respect but him on that damn site. We've been talking, laughing, having fun. No fighting, few R talks. Even he said tonight that he sees all the changes and appreciates them. If I go back to angry, yelling, nagging, fed up, sleeping on the sofa when I'm mad at him, not helping enough around the house because I'm a workaholic, not spending time with him and the boys in the evening, weekends.... that's the old me. The 180 me didn't yell at him today, kept my cool, didn't put him down, was his friend, played cards with the boys (and him too after the boys begged him to join us - he didn't want to) - BUT I stood up for myself and changed those passwords. I told him I just deleted them.

I live with him, I can't go dark. That will push him farther away. So will moving out. He's looking for any excuse to blame me for the end of the marriage. I can't do that. *I* can't live with that. It took me 2 years to stop beating myself when my XH walked out for OW. I can't do that again. I have to know I did everything right, everything I could.

I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. Is it hopeless? Do WAS get this close to cheating and come back?

[hope2011]

HE slept on the sofa last night. I spent most of the night in the bathroom, getting sick.

Things around here this morning are tense. He's angry, defensive, curt. I'm staying out of the way. I don't know what to do, how to act, how to DB.

I just feel like a big idiot. I thought things were getting better.

[Sad_but_happy]

"I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. Is it hopeless? Do WAS get this close to cheating and come back?"

My W did and is still working her way back. Before I knew about the EA she asked me questions like; "how can you tell if a man really likes you? How do you know if a man just wants you for sex?"

Now at the time I thought we were just making conversation. But now I know better.

She was getting deeper into the EA and contemplating PA.

She did not have a PA luckily for "us" because I really feel it would be over.

I took the hard line. Told her to end it or we are done and I meant it. I know that approach is not for everyone.

But boundaries are a must. I truly believe that respect must be established or there is no chance at all! He may hate you at first, but he will respect you!

[hope2011]

He just told me he's letting the house go and that we'll have about 60 days before we have to move and I need to start making arrangements. When do I see a lawyer? The house is in his name, from before we got married. Am I responsible for it too if it forecloses?

I hate this. I just want my husband back.

[hope2011]

He told me I have 60 days to move out - that he's letting go of the house into foreclosure (all in his name) and we'll have about 60 days before the eviction. He told me to move on, find my own place. He's 100% done.

I told him I'd give him the divorce, that I accept he's moving out and I need to move on too. But that I disagree with what he's doing, this isn't what I want and I think he needs to get help for depression before he continues to make such life altering decisions that affect more than just himself. That I want to keep the peace in the house, remain friends, end the marriage with dignity and class. That I can't control his behavior, but I plan to keep my integrity and move on with no regrets. That I want no stress or drama around the boys, nor do I want to be badmouthed to them so he can save face. He owes me that much. I asked to be kept on his health insurance until the divorce and we'd talk later about everything else. I thanked him for supporting me through work stuff, taking on the bills when I was between jobs, for all the good times that he seems unable to remember right now. That I accept my responsibility for my problems, for not being a perfect wife but I did my best and at the end of the day, he and the boys knew every single day that I loved them and was there for them. That I wish him the best, but I deserve a man who will fight for our marriage, our family and me and someone who doesn't run when it gets too hard. I will be out in 60 days.

He teared up, kept his head down. He knows he's messed up, he knows I've been his best friend for 4 years and he is screwing up. I know guilt and embarrassment are eating at him, and he's terrified I will tell his family and friends. I know he signed up on the dating site because his self-esteem is zero right now... and to be purely honest, I let him down on that. I've bitched and screamed so much in the past year about him not being there for me that I'm a big contributor to him not being there for me. I own that. I'm not making excuses for him, I just know that it takes 2 people and I'm not blameless. I HAVE to learn from my mistakes, so I don't repeat them in future relationships. Not that I will ever have one, I give up. But I read those e-mails to the women on the dating site... he was desperate for attention, a compliment, someone respecting him. I am angry at him, I am. He's hurt me horribly and he's taken me for granted. But it's hard to not feel sorry for this broken man that was once my husband. He needs help. I know that's not my responsibility though and I can't fix him.

As I type this, I can hear him crying downstairs, sniffling, trying not to actually cry. The saddest part is if he'd just cry to me, with me... we wouldn't be here.

I am bound and determined to walk out of here with dignity. To not be a shrew hell bent on getting even or what's mine (though I won't be a fool either). But to make him live the rest of his life regretting letting me go or to fight to get me back. But either way, I have to move on.

I just don't want to.

I hope I did the right thing saying that to him. He's seemingly softened a bit since I said that.

Now, if I can stop crying alone in the bathroom.

[hope2011]

Sandi posted this on another thread. I'm reposting here because I obviously have failed most of these and need to work on them:

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[hope2011]

Can someone please edit out the word CH____S? Work name I shouldn't have posted, don't know what I was thinking.