Piecing

[FindingMyVoice]

Just an observation I've noticed this week, that I thought others might be interested in hearing. I didn't think much of this before because I noticed it primarily between my H and I over the last year so I thought it was kind of an isolated thing. But over xmas, as I began to change how and what I shared about myself with my sisters, the pattern happened again. So I'm wondering now if it's a more universal kind of thing that happens in relationships. Here's what I'm seeing 'behind' what happened.

When you need to change your usual role in a relationship pattern - for example, when you start talking differently or talking about meaningful things you never discussed with that person before, they rarely seem to react the way you'd hope them to. Usually what I'm looking for is support, tenderness, compassion - even a hug. Yah well good luck! What I get instead is them acting react really weird. They get bossy - telling you how to 'manage' what you're telling them, or start 'intellectualizing' things; they may just shut down and not say anything at all. But this kind of reaction usually just about knocks me over: I internalize it all. eg I must not be worth supporting; I'm handling this situation wrong because they're telling me a different way to do it... they think I'm wrong; they think I'm dumb (so of course if THEY think it I really must BE); and the worst - they don't really care, they don't really love me. So what do I do? I drop it. Stress goes down = good. But any negative patterns then don't get the opportunity to change = bad.

So it's slowly dawning on me a new way to handle this. Share with them what you need and just take a step back. Pray, strive, stay focussed, whatever... for the patience and compassion and wait out their weird reactions. They're reacting weird because it's DIFFERENT so they don't know HOW to react. NOT because they don't want to hear what you're telling them, NOT because they don't want to offer you support or love, certainly NOT because they don't care.

Then just wait. Let them absorb what you've told them, let their brains un-discombobulate or whatever they need to do. Then bring it up again later and see what happens. What I've found is that THAT's when the compassion comes; the hug you wanted, the kind supportive words.

And if the support STILL doesn't come then, then that's the time I share with them what I'm needing from them, in a kind, respectful way. I think the first time around it's too tough to do this. My own emotions are too high because I'm trying something new - I'm sharing something different so can barely keep the words in my head I need to say, let alone telling them what I need from them. And their own emotions would likely be too high as well, because they're 'receiving' information that is so different from what they're used to hearing, they might not be able to give you what you're needing anyways. In that moment, they're likely needing to focus inwards and handle their own new emotions and thoughts that are happening.

So it's ok to have to try the same conversation a couple of times... maybe even necessary. But the results can make the extra effort worth it. So that's it. That's what I've learned this week. Take care. FMV.