Piecing is almost harder than before...

[XYZ]

Hello All -

I've been away for a couple of months, but need some support so I'm back.

You can read my original sitch here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...167#Post2086167

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...286#Post2100286

W asked me to move back home on 11/4/10 after an 11 day separation. I was (and am) thrilled. Last two months have been very difficult. We are getting along mostly great. No big fights, no arguments. A couple R talks, but I mostly just listen. I'm spending lots of time with family and W. We have ML'd twice during that time. Both when W initiated. After the first time, she said "don't think this changed where I am, I just wanted sex". After the second, she told me she feels guilty about it because she doesn't want me to think it means more than it does.

She has been very clear that she's trying, but not there yet. She still harbors a lot of anger towards me. She's also angry at her family because they supported me during our separation and she felt left alone.

She signs emails "ILY" and tells me she loves me, but we aren't affectionate in any way. Every time she leaves the house or goes to sleep without kissing me, I feel a part of me fall apart. It's killing me. I have so many physical symptoms from the anxiety - my arms tingle, I'm dizzy, my heart races, etc. She tells me its hard for her because "it's up to her to get over everything and all I have to do it wait". I've never heard such crap in my life. All I have to do is wait?

She tells me that she can't trust me because I was "mean" to her during separation. What I did was tell her that if she wanted out, she could leave and we'd split our bills -- that was me being mean. She now calls it me throwing her out. I just listen and take it while trying to reassure her that I'll never be mean again.

She tells me new things that anger her that she didn't tell me before. For instance, she's told me that she sees how great I am with the kids and is now angry because I didn't want a third kid. That's a new one. I thought we decided together not to have more. I just listen and don't respond.

Let me reiterate, we're getting along fine. But if she can't trust me and is so angry, how can this ever work? BTW, I don't trust her either (but have not told her that). She told me she'd be fine and then 20 days later told me she wanted out; for years she told me she'd never leave; for years she joked that she loved me more; and the biggie-- she told me she wanted a divorce. How can I ever feel secure in this relationship again?

This process is so hard... how to I get through it?

[lostinscared]

I stopped over at this forum to get a little inspiration for myself. I had to respond to yours, though. I have no advice but seriously, do these people all read from the same playbook???

I have been accused for being mean. Exactly the same words. What was my transgression? He said that he wanted to separate and I told him that while I don't agree with him, that I wanted to support him and I would help him. The next day, it was thrown in my face and he said that I was mean. I can honestly tell you, I was nothing but kind in that conversation.

As far as this rapid transition from I need to think to I want out: same thing. I think if you took a poll here, there are tons of people saying the same thing. As much as I want to say and truly believe our S's are nuts, we have to remember, that we go through similar ups and downs. One day I have hope. One day all hope is lost. I mean really, get off their roller coaster! Get off. Stop analyzing every word, movement, touch, non-touch, look, attitude, etc. Get off the coaster. If you're anything like me, you can maintain that for about 6 days, then you freak. That's what I keep doing. So my job is to figure out what to do differently on Day 7 before I freak. You know?

The "new" things that anger her really stuck with me. Whenever he tells me about his unhappiness and now the divorce he wants, there is a new thing on the list about what has made him unhappy. I try to validate but sometimes it just makes me sick because its not true! I give him some BS about I can see how you interpret it that way... blah, blah, blah. But I have said it before and I'll say it again, the re-writing of history is the hardest to take.

DO NOT, and I repeat DO NOT let her push your buttons. I let him push my buttons (because he knows where every single one is) and I react. My marriage will likely end because I can't stop reacting. I'm telling you, do not react. Validate. You don't have to agree, just validate.

I feel for you.

[XYZ]

I copied this from another tread I just wrote, but could have written it myself. It's so true...

"I am in such an odd gray area. She seems committed to the M but affection is not happening on her part. I assume it's cause she wants to feel those "in love" feelings again. My problem is that I can't live without affection. It is my LL."

[XYZ]

opps. Meant to say another thread I just READ, not WROTE.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

XYZ,

Welcome to Pie(R)cing.

Now you get to talk, open and honest communication, witout the intent to hurt, but to heal.

Communication, means talking AND listening.

Means R talks, not every night but maybe every other week as a measuring stick for awhile.

You cannot stifle your feelings either, you guys are rebuilding a marriage, you want the same one you both had or you both want to build one better?

One of you is going to have to keep a level head when you communicate, be the one to pull back before things get heated, when they do, ask if this is really where you both want to go, remind each other you both need to find new ways to talk and listen.

Talk about her thinking you were 'mean' no more assumptions anymore. Get to the bottom of it, there are 3 sides to every story, hers, yours and somewhere, hopefully close by the middle is the truth of the matter.

Find compromise.

Buddy,

You have no idea how hard this is, but then you also have no idea how awesome the reward is. My old marriage is dead, thank God. My new one with my wife? It rocks socks.

[XYZ]

Also just read this:

"You need to move at her pace. I'm sure she sense your anxiety about wanting physical affection and I'm sure it puts her off. The moment you stop expecting/hoping/wishing is the moment things will changes."

Gonna have to try hard to remember that one and keep in always in mind..

[XYZ]

Thanks Jack. Now the impossible to answer questions: any insight you can give me as to milestones and timelines?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Yep:

Milestones are just markers, the ones you want you'll recognize after you pass them.

Timeline...

Depends on how smart you are, otherwise, roll up a newspaper and bop yourself on the nose. : )

[Jack_Three_Beans]

PS - I'm still pieRcing, I always will be, becuase otherwise, I'm complacent and I have taken things for granted, and that is one of the best ways for a marriage to fail.

[Harrier]

XYZ

I never read up on your situation until now. I swear your W is A LOT like mine. Including the fact that my W works in mental health field like yours. It also sounds like we are at similar, but not the same stages.

Be glad you get the ILYs. Heck when I told my W, I do love you last night, I got "Thanks, I know you do." LOL.

I think the key is patience. This is VERY hard for me because I'm naturally impatient and this makes it even harder.

I know my W, like yours, harbors a lot of anger towards me and she has said repeatedly that she has to work through it.

Trust is something that has to be built up over time. Anger is something that has be dismantled over time as well. The key here...is Time. I think you can only show her that she can trust you again...by not doing what brok the trust. And not giving her anything to be angry about. (Of course, I'm guessing here)

Note, I'm good at giving advice, but crappy at taking it.

it will be nice to have someone share this journey with.


I think once the trust and anger are gone you will start to feel secure. Our MC told us this...I need to feel "safe" in this relationship like you. Safe that things are good and my W isn't going to just leave. That too will take time.

Just remember that she is working as hard as you. She needs time. You simply cannot read her mind...even though you will try.

God Speed.