W asked me to move back home on 11/4/10 after an 11 day separation. I was (and am) thrilled. Last two months have been very difficult. We are getting along mostly great. No big fights, no arguments. A couple R talks, but I mostly just listen. I'm spending lots of time with family and W. We have ML'd twice during that time. Both when W initiated. After the first time, she said "don't think this changed where I am, I just wanted sex". After the second, she told me she feels guilty about it because she doesn't want me to think it means more than it does.
She has been very clear that she's trying, but not there yet. She still harbors a lot of anger towards me. She's also angry at her family because they supported me during our separation and she felt left alone.
She signs emails "ILY" and tells me she loves me, but we aren't affectionate in any way. Every time she leaves the house or goes to sleep without kissing me, I feel a part of me fall apart. It's killing me. I have so many physical symptoms from the anxiety - my arms tingle, I'm dizzy, my heart races, etc. She tells me its hard for her because "it's up to her to get over everything and all I have to do it wait". I've never heard such crap in my life. All I have to do is wait?
She tells me that she can't trust me because I was "mean" to her during separation. What I did was tell her that if she wanted out, she could leave and we'd split our bills -- that was me being mean. She now calls it me throwing her out. I just listen and take it while trying to reassure her that I'll never be mean again.
She tells me new things that anger her that she didn't tell me before. For instance, she's told me that she sees how great I am with the kids and is now angry because I didn't want a third kid. That's a new one. I thought we decided together not to have more. I just listen and don't respond.
Let me reiterate, we're getting along fine. But if she can't trust me and is so angry, how can this ever work? BTW, I don't trust her either (but have not told her that). She told me she'd be fine and then 20 days later told me she wanted out; for years she told me she'd never leave; for years she joked that she loved me more; and the biggie-- she told me she wanted a divorce. How can I ever feel secure in this relationship again?
This process is so hard... how to I get through it?
M: 39 W: 37 Married: 9 D5; S3 "It's Over" 09/26/10 11 Day Sep 10/10 Piecing Starts 11/4/10 Piecing Fails 4/11 I move out 5/11 Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11 Piecing #2 - 6/22/11 Home 10/11
