DB'ing but it's a daily struggle - need support.

[mj144]

SIC, explain to me your comment about being "removed from your emotions"

[ScaredinCanada]

Hey mj144,

Being removed from my emotions is just simply that I now have the ability to effectively control my emotions when it comes to my W. I don't get worked up when she says things or if she doesn't act in a way that I would expect.

It's allowed me to detach with better results than I had in the past. I'm on Day #5 today, and I feel good.

My W even started a R talk last night as I when she came home I was talking to my F on the phone with regards to my GM.

She started by asking about the conversation and then seemed to just want to talk about us.

I didn't take it too seriously, and tried my best to just validate what she was saying. I can see it in her that she is really struggling with the fact that I am becoming a different person. She is starting to question herself when it comes to doubting my changes are real - which means my detaching is working!!

She still threw in a few jabs, and went back a couple of times to complain about what I did or didn't do 10 years ago - but I was fine with that. I just told her I know how she feels and I understand, but that I cannot do anything about the past I can simply be better now and in the future.

She also told me that she isn't happy in this marriage and I told her I understand and agreed that I'd lost focus on EVERYTHING that was truly important in my life and that I wanted to build a new healthy marriage with her.

I know that I am getting through to her, I can see it. Being removed from my emotions is making all the difference in the world. It's making her curious and it's making her start to believe in the changes I am making.

I have no idea how long it will take - but I believe it's only a matter time before she turns the corner and we can start piecing.

Our anniversay is this coming Sunday and I know it's going to be another test for her. I'm not sure what she will do if anything, but I asked her earlier last night if she still wanted to go for dinner. She basically avoided it and said she had to work. I'm not going to push it, I have a card for her that I am going to try and give to her indirectly and should she not follow through on going out for dinner I'm simply going to plan a nice dinner (I love to cook!) as a family celebration as was suggested to at least show the importance of the day to our family.

I hope I answered you question - I believe it's part of detaching I've just used different words to describe how it feels to me.

[mj144]

That's great that she is responding to your changes. I am having a difficult time with this and thus getting no positive results. Maybe you can lend some insight how you are able to do this. No matter how much I try, my emotions still get the best of me. I feel like I am running out of time for her to see any changes. The only thing I have been truly able to change is my interactions with my kids. In and of itself is awesome, but I know I needs to show her more.

[Bolt]

but it isn't all fun and games...
Remember the next rule about when she starts opening that door and showing little signs that the R is on the right track. Don't do backflips and get too excited because all that will do is cause disappointment and feelings of rejection when it doesn't continue.

I speak from experience...

Why can't I take it for what it was?

We had another great day yesterday. We have a bible study and we got along great. She's been playful with me as far as verbal jabbing - something I do to everyone and love to have it done to me. Things were great.

And then the night happened and all I was looking for was a touch. Of course, when that didn't happen, I got upset and went downstairs.

Damn that old self rearing it's head!

I came upstairs around 6am and she asked why I slept downstairs. I was a little cold and needed a little time to calm down because I wasn't in the right frame of mind.

We eventually talked and I told her how I was feeling (I think now a mistake). She nailed it when she said that she is still healing and thought things were going great. But it wasn't enough for me.

I can't tell her that what she is feeling is wrong because she was right. Why can't that be enough for now? I honestly don't want things to be "honkey dorey" and back to "normal".

How do you guys handle this?

She gave a great analogy. She said that maybe subconsciously, she is testing things. She's opening the door just a little crack for me. When I see that, I want to slam it open and she's not ready for that. I think she may be right. I DO want to take it slow but when we do, I want it to happen faster...

We talked it through and I think we have a better understanding of where each other is coming from. She even gave me a kiss before she left for the day - something that has been very rare. I just want to keep the train going. A meeting with the MC today will hopefully help.

any advice??

[Bolt]

hey mj, are you seeing any inklings of anything positive? They could be small but if you truly are changing they may be there but you aren't seeing them.

Don't make the mistake of expecting too much too soon too. That can undo all the progress that you have made.

The more I do DB (and DON'T follow the steps the way I should) the more I see how it works. Be that support and stay positive! The thing that helped get my W back just a bit was my positive reinforcement. The way she dresses, the way she looks, the good things she does, the way she helps around the house/kids, what happens at her work. Be TRULY into her - not as a pursuer but as a supporter.

Chances are, she hasn't seen you as a supporter in the past. She may show you positive returns if you continue this.

Dude, I KNOW this is hard. I think we have to take inventory of ourselves each day AND night. What I mean by that is looking over where you are in YOUR life. How do you feel about yourself. Then at the end of the day, reflect about how the day went. I'm sure you'll find some positive results in there somewhere.

Another big thing that helped my W was faith. No more than 2 months ago, she was talking to people who said things to her like, "You missed out on so many things", "You deserve better", "You didn't have fun like you should." She bought all that they were selling.

She has recently turned back to God and has realized those people were wrong. It was the "enemy" talking and not her heart. This has helped resurrect at least the hope of our R.

Maybe that is something that could help. Praying ALWAYS helps

[ScaredinCanada]

To be honest I've gotten to the point were I've almost seperated myself into 2 different people. There is the emotional me (I used to be brutal, crying at the drop of a hat) and now the person who is focused on his "goals" specifically being more thoughtful, calm and caring as well as "GAL" and trying to forget that person I used to be.

Obviously at some point I will need to re-connect with my emotions, and the challenge will be doing in a constructive way that simply adds to the person I have become.

I've also started to become comfortable with the thought that the person I am becoming can be happy, healthy and successful without my W and without my M if necessary. Even a few weeks ago I don't think I could say the same thing.

I'm also trying to be realistic with the fact that my W is inititating R talk, not reacting to much to the positives. I think the fact that she still mixes in some "digs" at me help me to stay grounded.

Now the question is, if she truly comes around and tells me she wants to work on the M and R how will I deal with that? Hopefully the cool, calm, collected, thoughtful and caring me will be there and not the slobbering emotional idiot.

[habitacker]

Good for you SIC. It sounds like you are doing good lately. It is amazing how the way we feel changes so quickly.

I remember being a newbie and having people post about how are feelings are going to change over time. You don't believe what they are telling you, but it's true.

I feel I am doing o.k., but I am still stuck in the same day over and over. Nothing positive or Negative from her.

I have to admit, I look around on this forum and I see so much communication with couples in the same sitch as me, and I am getting none. It makes me jealous and scared, but also happy for everyone.

[habitacker]

Bolt, I would love to have my wife turn back to God. But she needs to find it for herself.

If I try to bring it to her, she will see it as trying to fix her.

Sounds like your sitch is on the right path, keep it on that path, stay patient. I don't want to see any posts about backsliding. lol.

[InAPickle]

There's a saying:
"Talk to God about your friend, before you talk to your friend about God."

[mj144]

Bolt, do me a favor and take a look at my threads and let me know what you think. 'Deja vu but new to the online forum'

The thing that I get stuck about is that we went through this 2x before and we were back together by now. Obviously, we never resolved our issues, but since I just moved out and I am placing most of my energies looking for a job, I am just going with the flow with whatever right now, so if there are any signs, which I doubt there have been, my W is a mirror image of habitacker's, I am not noticing them. I am just spending all of my time not looking for a job, reading through other people's posts here.

I don't know if it is a positive sign, but my W did suggest I take my girls skiing on Monday since they are off school and signed them up for ski school and arranged all that for me to do.

I'll stop talking about my sitch now since this is SIC's thread. Thanks for letting me borrow it for a few, buddy. I'll get back to my own thread.

Still trying to get a grasp on this detaching concept.