I really understand and honour why you are preparing to do this. And we have to be true to ourselves.
However, be aware that ground rules simply do not work with our MLCers. Normal rules, they believe, do not apply to them. And your husband will likely push the boundary because you will not want to make a fuss in front of your in laws at such a difficult time. They are no longer sensitive caring people, remember. It is all about them. It is about power and control and doing what they want at the time.
It must be terribly difficult working with your h However, you are clearly a very skilled executive, and I wonder if you couldn't consider finding another position? Perhaps not as well paid, but maybe a cut in salary would be worth it. You are entitled to half the business and now might be the time to get a separaiton order. Believe me these people will financially trash you if you don't protect your assets at a relatively early stage. I speak not only from my own experiennce but that of many others.
And I also think it would be a good idea to write to your in laws gently setting out the ground rules to them, so if your h decides to over step them they cannot plead ignorance, and they might even try and restrain him - I am thinking particularly of his conduct with OW. She will likely be acting up at this time, and egging him on to disrespect you. I don't know her circumstances, but I do know the type!
You are an amazing woman. I think I would have considered taking all the assets, in your shoes, and going on a wild spending spree!! Not too late for that. There are many women who would come along and help you!
I think you would be doing the right thing Mila...Its for you FIL, not your H. BUt I sure would make it known that the OW will not be allowed for a visit. Hopefully the inlaws would be visiting your FIL most of the time they are there and hopefully they would just be sleeping at your home for the most part.
I have thought about this myself before. MY H's mother lives out of state and I know if she wanted to visit, I would let her stay with me. H could visit her if he wanted to. BUT my H knows there will be NO OW in my house at anytime whatsoever...that is MY home!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I believe that being true to who you are is the most important thing at this point. You are doing that by loving your FIL enough to allow H's family to stay with you. You are a kind and caring person. You set your boundaries and stay true to who you are as a person.
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Mila, I understand. Follow your heart. Only you know what you can handle.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Mila! Yes, let your in-laws stay for the sake of fil. That would be the right thing to do, IMHO. But, make sure that they know that there might be an issue if OW enters your home. They may have received her, but you have no intention of entertaining her for their sake. I doubt, though, that the OW would dare do that??? Is she daring enough to come to your home and face you? Some OW are like that, but this one doesn't seem that way.
Sounds like you're having fun with male friends. I'm enjoying my visit with my niece. Her H died in Iraq, so she has a lot to talk about, but she does give me the option to talk about my issues too. She's so sweet.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Busy week. It's been showing all afternoon and evening, so I'm snuggled up here in my sunroom, watching the snow and trying to catch up with everyone.
Originally Posted By: Mila
..........at some point he said....You will never forgive me....there is no going back...you would obviously never forgive me.....how can this ever change in the future...you would never forgive me...
In your post from 1/11/11 (day late and a dollar short, I know.......SORRY!) this ^^^^^^^ jumped out at me. Very interesting. I read your post on Tuesday and again now. The more I read it, the more I like the way you stood up for yourself, were honest with H, and communicated your boundary. H brought up the topic of his family staying at your house. You did not bring it up. You were just responding.
Originally Posted By: Mila
I said "First of all I didn't say NO, I'm just letting you know how I feel about the whole thing...
This ^^^^^^ was just honest communication on your part.
Originally Posted By: Mila
I said that I didn't mean to get into R type of discussion....but the issue of his sister brought up some emotions and some anger that I still have...Also said let's talk about your sister's visit when we both calm down....
This ^^^^^ is a repair attempt ala John Gottman and "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". You showed effort to de-fuse the situation.
Regarding your in-laws.............my X-SIL was completely quiet the entire time XH was pushing for D. I thought she had totally turned her back on me......Then, a few months before the D, X-SIL reached out to me. We had lunch when she came to town. She told me that H/XH had "put a gag order on her". I think she was pretty amazed at how I had taken the high road (she is M'ed to a minister so can appreciate the value of "turning the other cheek"). She reached out to me and we grew closer than we had during my M to H/XH. She is now one of the threads between me and XH. She routinely sends short e-mails to both me and XH and XH sends short e-mails to both his sister and me. My point in saying this to you is that it is possible that your in-laws don't feel about you the way that you think they do.
It makes sense to pay respect to your FIL by doing this for him if you choose to do so. I understand your positive and negative feelings about having your in-laws stay with you. It may be very difficult for you, but it also may move you farther forward on this journey because it may give you valuable information to inform your decisions about standing for H in the future.
Thank you SA, Beatrice, Kissak, Lorie, Snodderly, Being & GAG Looks like you all support or at least understand my view on the in-laws visit. I'm really dreading it, but will psyche myself up for it....must appear happy, comfortable with being in the situation H put me in and a perfect hostess...don't want them to see me as a victim and a crushed woman...it will be tough...SIL & BIL have always had a bit arrogant and forceful personalities...need to project self confidence and strength...don't want them and H walk all over me...take over my house...
Beatrice
Quote:
be aware that ground rules simply do not work with our MLCers. Normal rules, they believe, do not apply to them. And your husband will likely push the boundary because you will not want to make a fuss in front of your in laws at such a difficult time. They are no longer sensitive caring people, remember. It is all about them. It is about power and control and doing what they want at the time
Describes my H to a T
Kissak & Lorie - One thing I'm pretty sure about...H wouldn't dare bring OW to my house...he knows that I have my limits of what I would tolerate...but I don't want her to be in town either....that would make me feel pretty peeved off if I have his family in my house, H hanging around all day, me taking care of everything, cooking, cleaning, shopping for them and H and then he goes off at night to his place where OW is waiting for him? That would make me feel used...but realistically...I may have control over who comes to my house, but can't control if he has OW at his....crappy situation...oh well I'll somehow survive it if that happens...
Didn't talk to H about the in-law visit since the exchange in the car....it may be up to me to bring it up...he may not after what I said to him...
Being - hope you have a great time with your family, it's good for you to be able to talk to your niece. I'm going to a movie tonight with my male friend
GAG - I can so picture you curled up in your sunroom, nice and cozy while the snow storm rages outside Thank you for your positive analysis of my "communication" with H Re: SIL visit...appreciate it. Also thank you for describing your situation with your SIL it's helpfull to see that things are not always what they appear to be at the time. In my case I don't know what H told them about me and how he rewrote the history to justify in their eyes what he is doing...what H shared with me in our last exchange is that his sister never once offered him any advice or opinion....apparently didn't judge him or told him what to do ...just listened to him and said that if he needs any help they are there for him. I was hoping that as a therapist she would have done more...but apparently she just listened....maybe she is smart enough therapist to realize that it's useless to talk MLCr out of what they want...and that he has to go through this to learn what he needs to learn....
And you are right, as things unfold...I learn as well...with every new development I'm able to put a new piece of the puzzle in place.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I don't think I would be able to do it, but I am not you. I do think the idea of talking to in-laws yourself is a good one, to see if it is what they want and are comfortable with. Afterall, you are all adults here, and you don't need your H doing the talking for either of you. JMHO
