Drive The Bus, Or Be The Passenger?

[Kemper]

I am going to summarize the past week as a lot has changed since last Friday.

Friday night my W came over the house for our first overnight date. We cooked dinner together. The night started off with light conversation but over the course of the evening switched to more in-depth talks.

We discussed the breakdown of our marriage, the contributing factors to her A, what we want, etc. During our conversations I didn't feel like W was holding anything back. It is odd, but I felt like my W was saying all the right things without me feeling like I was pushing her to say them. Some of the comments my W made that stick out are:

She is thankful that I am even willing to give her and us a chance. She started to cry when she was saying this.
She is scared the A will constantly be thrown back in her face.
She wants to come home.
She asked what she could do to show me that she is serious about working on us.

After dinner and talking we snuggled on the couch and watched a movie. After the movie we headed up to the bedroom. For the first time in 17th months my W and I were going to sleep in the same bed. After ML while we were looking into each other’s eyes my W said “I love you Kemper”. I told her that I loved her too and we fell asleep holding each other.

Saturday
I woke up before W and started cooking breakfast. W came downstairs and we ate together before playing Monopoly on Xbox. During the game we talked about how to proceed forward. We discussed living arrangements and both of our perspectives but didn’t land on anything concrete. W did say that while she does want to come home she doesn’t want to pressure me, she wants to make sure I am willing to give us a chance. After the game we went upstairs took a shower together, ML, and got ready before the boys returned from their Grandmother’s house.

W took the boys to a birthday party and I decided that I was going to try and find brakes and rotors for my W’s car. She has been driving around with brakes that are basically metal on metal due to not having the 1k to fix them. I found the parts and called W to see if she wanted me to fix the brakes. I didn’t have any doubt she would want them fixed so we switched cars and I took hers back to the house to fix. About halfway through I realized I was missing a tool. I checked with a couple of neighbors and nobody had one. At that point W called to see how it was going. I explained that I needed a tool and she offered to pick it up for me.

W brought the tool over to the house and just hung out in the garage with my while the boys played and I fixed the brakes. At one point I asked W if she had thought anymore about what we discussed earlier about proceeding forward. I asked her if she was truly serious about working on our M. She said that she was and at that point I told her that I want her to come home. After fixing the car we sat down with the boys and told them that mommy was going to move back into the house and we would all be together again. We drove over to the condo and picked up some stuff and my W officially moved back into the house.

Sunday
We had a pretty lazy morning and then we drove over to the condo and picked up some more stuff. In the afternoon my youngest son had a birthday party to attend. We all went to the play place and W took our youngest to the party while our oldest and I played games and ate. While at the play place my W and I texted back and forth and had some fun banter.

Monday
It snowed here in the southeast and both work and school were closed for the day. We made a trip over to the condo to pick up some more stuff, cleaned up and organized around the house. My W and I took a shower while the boys napped and then ML. In the afternoon we hung out as a family.

Tuesday
We had our first MC session after discussing reconciliation. The session went well and we found out that a lot of what we were already doing was what the counselor would have recommended. We are still reconnecting to each other and both realize it will take time and effort. During one conversation after we got home my W asked what I wanted to do about my wedding band. For those that don’t know my W sold her engagement ring and wedding band in order to pay half of her condo lease since she was a stay at home mom when we separated. I told W that I wanted a new ring, I didn’t want to wear my old ring because I didn’t want to see it as a constant reminder of what happened. I asked W what she wanted to do about a ring and she said she just wanted an eternity band. I didn’t realize it was important to my W for us to wear rings to signify our marriage but I am glad that it is important to her.

The rest of the afternoon we hung out at the house due to the winter storm. After dinner and putting the boys to bed W and I snuggled on the couch and watched some shows. We headed up to bed and I gave W a massage before snuggling and falling asleep.

Wednesday
W’s office was open and she went into work and dropped boys off at school so I could work from home. We texted back and forth during the day and it felt good to be in contact on a regular basis with my W again. During lunch I went out and picked up some flowers for W. This is something that I didn’t do when we were married. After work W picked up the boys and was going to stop by the condo to pick up a few things. She called when she got to the condo and said that she just wanted to touch base and let me know she was there. She got home and I gave her a hug and kiss when she walked through the door. She went upstairs to change and saw the flowers that I put on the bathroom counter for her. She was surprised and happy that I got them for her. After the boys went to bed we were talking and during the conversation W said that she is afraid of being hurt. I was surprised when she said this but she explained that when she was having her A she wasn’t in the position of being hurt. She stated that she knows how much she hurt me. I told her that I understand and that I feel we need to be vulnerable to being hurt. Being vulnerable allows us to stay open and true to each other so that we don’t shut down and close each other out just out of fear.

General Thoughts
We have been more affectionate than we ever were in the past and it feels good. My W has done a lot of little things over the past few days that make me feel better about my decision to proceed forward. Her phone is not constantly in her hand like it was during the A. If she picks it up and reads something I don’t ask or say anything. However, unlike before she now makes comments to me about what people are saying. Our communication is more open and engaging than ever before. We are talking about sensitive topics but neither of us feels attacked, or that one is digging at the other. Overall I am glad that I made the decision to work on my M. I realize that there will be ups and downs but marriages take work and I am willing to do the work required to have a better M that we had before.