My wife and I met in 1990, Married in 1992. Our son is now 13 and our daughter is now 10. I have been the US military for 19 years, I retire in one year and we are currently stationed in Germany.
Lats May my wife told me she was confused, did not think she loved me as a husband anymore, she was tired of being verbally mistreated for our entire marriage. Now I am not the only one to blame and I know this is true. She tells me that she has always tried to keep everyone else happy and never worried or thought about herself. Last May is when she finally decided to live for herslef.
Sowe started mariage counseling in August and since then things have rolled down hill. We also have both been seeing personal counseling for 6 years. Marriage counseling for me seemed to start off negative, yet we continued attending. Now it is January and 1 week and half ago she told me she is planning to leave in June. Because that is when the kids get out of school and it would be best for them. My son starts high school next year and daughter starts middle school. My wife wants to move to Texas because the person she thinks is her one true friend lives there. My wife has only spent 1 week of her life in Texas and that was when she visited her friend last summer. My son has told me he hates it there and my daughter seems to like whatever my wife likes. (i am not bitter of that, just a fact).
So my problem is that I now see my errors and truly have changed. Not sure if it took the final words from her to trigger that or not. But I see what I need to do.
Last night we went out with a friend of mine and his girlfriend whom my wife enjoys company. We were shooting pool while the girls chatted and watched. Seemed playfull and fun, we stayed for 2 and half hours or so then headed home. When we got home I told her I had a good time with her and she repsonded with "I am a good acctress". Now is that a cover for her having a good time and not wanting me to know?
Now granted I have only been working on my changes since last monday, today is thursday so that is 9 days of nice guy in her life. I know that is not enough to sway her future.
She says she cannot trust me to change and she does not want to spend the next 18 years of her life being where she was for the last 18.
Is there anything I can do?
HELP
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
Does she truly not love me anymore? I am in such pain and I know my pain does not make up for the way she has felt and been through for so long. I am a new guy and see what I am about to lose. My children and my love of my life.
I never treated her the right way, never treated her like the wedding vows we gave each other.
I hate to ask for help but I need you guys to come out of the woodwork for me on this one. I am losing a great woman and there is no replacement.
My biggest issue is that I feel I need to talk about this every night with her and I know that is probably pushing her further away. Do you agree?
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
How do I keep myself from bringing the topic up everynight. When is too late if she is planning on leaving in June. I refuse to give up but if I stop talking about it, what is the suggested time frame before I bring it up again?
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
Now granted I have only been working on my changes since last monday, today is thursday so that is 9 days of nice guy in her life. I know that is not enough to sway her future.
Hi,
9 Days is nothing, it's taken 5 months for my changes to have a positive effect on my wife. I'm not even doing them for her anymore.
To her immense credit she is also making changes, it's taken me a good few months to beleive that they are not temporary. So I see it from both sides of the fence.
You cannot talk your way out of a situation you acted your way into. Actions speak louder than words. Do not keep telling her of your changes, show her, consistently. Your W is going to be angry that it took this for you to change, and she will probably not believe your changes are real. You're probably going to hear spew because of it.
If those changes are for you and not to win your W back, you have a much better chance that they will stick. You have 5 months to work on yourself and show her your changes. This will take more patience on your part than you ever thought possible.
She knows how you feel. Quit telling her, show her.
thank you. The fear is so deep and I am preaching to the choir.
I really want to implement this attitude. I think for me, the hardest part of this is knowing she truly is done.
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
Sandi2, thank you so far, please stay close by, I am going to need a strong woman's advice.
I am going to start by doing things around the house I have not done much in my life. I am going to take over kitchen chores such as dishes and counter cleaning. She is an awesome cook so that is a no no. LOL
I am going to take care of the floors best I can, sweeping the steps and vacuum. We have hard wood floor and steps. I am going to think of her when I go to grab a drink or snack to see if she would like anything.
I am going to also intereact more with our children. I want them to know I love spending time with them.
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
I came home and my wife had to go out and pick up my son. I was at home with my Daughter and used that opportunity to clean up the house. I folded a load of laundry, washed a load. Cleaned up the dishes and emptied the dish washer and also wiped down the counters. Also cleaned off the dining room table and cleaned out the kitchen junk drawer. Organized the coat rack and shoes in the main hallway. Then I started dinner and it was timed perfect, about 5 minutes before they got home I had finished cooking. Kids took showers and went to bed. The night ended up goign well, sat on couch put a movie in while wife chatted with friends on line. She actually let me into her facebook world a bit and we chatted off and on in between her typing and stuff. I ended up going to bed before her but it was decent.
Nothing was really said this morning and I will just continue to do things like this from now on. I actually felt alot better mentally and physically after working around the house.
Me - 39 yrs old Wife - 39 yrs old Married - 18 years Together - almost 21 year Kids - son age 13/ daughter age 10 Bomb Dropped in May 2010 Seperating - June 2011, after school lets out
