I failled horribly...

[FellOnBlackDays]

Hey, man. Good to hear from you. I was actually signing on to post an update tonight. This will be kind of long, but here it goes.

My wife emailed me yesterday stating that we needed to meet in person to "talk." I emailed back and stated that I was free last night and we could meet at my house at 7pm. She tried to force me to move the meeting to another place, but I held my ground. She showed about 10 minutes late, knocked on the door and waited to be let in. Then the fun began.

She came in with some papers in hand and her check book. She owed me some money and had come prepared to pay. We sat down exchanged pleasantries and then she jumped me. She went off on me because I had been asking her father questions about her. She stated that she didn't appreciate me involving other people. Yes, I did ask her father some things. But they were questions about her safety and her financial situation. Unfortunately, she took it the wrong way and came to the house last night looking for a fight. I let my DB training kick in and defused the entire situation with a few key sentences. I apologized without giving up too much ground and it was over.

So, since she could not get me pissed off over that, she went silent for a moment. I asked her if that is why she came over and she stated she was just getting started. And then she dropped the bomb. She looked me dead in the face and stated, "It's over. I have had some time apart and I have decided that our marriage was all wrong and I am through. I will not be returning to our marriage and here is a list of items I want from the house. It only took me two weeks to get over you and I have no desire to return to our life together. I have done some soul searching while I have been away these past four months and our marriage was not that great. We really weren't that compatible. I hope you understand, but I have to do what will make me happy and being away from you makes me happy. Sorry." I was floored. I sat there like a stuttering idiot. I let her go on for a few minutes and weathered her blows. Unfortunately, I forgot my DB training at that point and a full on fight ensued for around 15 minutes. We flung crap at each other and things really started to get out of hand. But in the heat of it all, I realized I was failing. I realized that I was doing just what she wanted me to do. She wanted me to lose my cool, act like an *ss and then she could say that nothing has changed and would be justified in leaving.

So, in the middle of her tearing at me, I stood up, turned my back to her, took two deep breaths, turned back around and began Divorce Busting. OMG, it worked!!! I composed myself and began doing everything I was supposed to do. She stated that she didn't want to be there for more than 30 minutes. She stayed for 2 1/2 hours. By the end of the night, I got a full apology for her leaving me in the way that she did, multiple times she broke down crying as she talked about what has happened since she left. Hell, she even started telling me about what her and her C talk about. She admitted that she has been struggling with the guilt of leaving. She came clean with me that she has been "texting" with another man. She claims that he is just someone to talk to and that she has not physically touched him. I looked in her eyes and I felt like she was telling the truth. We have never had infidelity issues in the past, so I will take her word for now.

It was amazing, in 30 minutes we were talking like a couple again. We sat there and admitting things that we had been holding in for years. I told her about my lifestyle changes and the ways in which I was GAL'ing. She complimented me on my physical appearance (8 weeks in the gym for 2 hours a day will make a difference). She just started telling me all this stuff that I have been wanting to know. So, without giving too much ground, I too began showing some emotion and making amends for things. At one point, we were holding hands and crying together. I wanted so bad to take her in my arms, but I held back. Once or twice, I passed my hands through her hair as she cried and she didn't stop me. We talked for two hours about all the mistakes we made and how we destroyed our marriage. For just awhile, I had my wife back and it was nice. God, I miss her so much.

Well, while things were going well, I decided to take back some control. In the most polite way that I could, I informed her that she was no longer a "member" of our home and that she would have to surrender her keys. She was shocked and tried to back out of that. I stood my ground. She gave them up. I told her that I will control all access to the house going forward. She didn't fight me. She actually looked at me in tears and asked "You are not going to f*ck me over on this, are you?" I smiled and assured her I would not. Then, I told her that going forward she was going to have to pay me for her health, dental, vision, and car insurance. She did not fight. She wrote me a check for $1000 on the spot. I then told her that the next time I see her, I will expect her to return her wedding ring. That also hit her for a loop. She looked down at the floor and agreed. And I finished up by saying that I would no longer respond to text messages or emails. If she wanted to talk with me it would be on the phone or in person. I informed her that I thought it was important that we remained friends and that I still wanted her in my life. She agreed and stated that all communication going forward would be via phone. I just succeeded in getting my first DB goal. Two months ago I wrote down that I wanted my first goal to be to get the lines of communication open again. Success. She stated that I am now free to call her anytime I want as long as it is not to ask her to come home. No problem. I am now in the "friend zone," right where a good DB'er should be when trying to lure back a WAS. She once again began to open up about the trouble she has had since she left. I sat there and listened intently and offered her advice as a friend. It was awesome. She even agreed to let me know where her new apartment is and that maybe some day I could visit her once she was settled.

I wish I could say it ended completely on a high note, but I did falter once. Things were going so well, I got caught up in the moment. I told her that I was embarrassed by all the B/S games we were playing with each other and that it needed to stop. She agreed. I openly told her that I had a long period where I was beginning to hate her, but that I was working through that. She actually stated that she could understand why I would hate her. I was floored. But, then I took it too far. I asked her to do me a favor. I asked her to take a little time each day, sit somewhere quiet and try to remember us when things were good. She agreed. But then I asked her to just "relax" for a couple of months and see where this thing goes. Just don't make any rash moves and then see how she feels about us. Too far, dude. She immediately stated that she was afraid that would give me false hope and that she would not give me false hope. I quickly back-peddled out there. Otherwise, I feel like I would give myself an A- for the performance.

I then told her I was tired and that she needed to go. By then, she had curled up on the couch and was talking her head off. She agreed and picked up her things. She asked me to give her an answer on the furniture request. I told her that I was not prepared and I would need some time to think. She didn't seem to like that, but she agreed. I walked her to the door, gave her a hug (which was so freaking nice I can't explain it in words) and let her out. She got half way down the walk and turned back and smiled. The last two times she left, she walked out and never looked back. I was thrilled. I went to bed a very happy man.

Unfortunately, I woke up this morning, reality set in and I balled like a baby for 30 minutes while standing in the shower. I have no idea what actually happened last night. I don't know if DB'ing worked so well that my wife is having second thoughts or if she is a damned good actress who is setting me up for the kill. She never mentioned an attorney or filing for divorce the entire night. She just kept saying she wasn't coming back. Now, I am as confused as ever. I know she was completely off her game when she didn't get the fight she expected, but I can't believe I was able to turn her around that much in just two hours. Maybe this is wishful thinking, but there were times last night where I thought I saw just a glint of doubt in her eyes about what she is doing. But I am soooo scared that I am setting myself up for a fall. I don't know what to do...

So, I will continue to DB my behind off. I will start soon with small, easy communication. I will remain her friend and be there for her. Hell, I might even help her move to show her that I am not bitter and a new man. A kinder man, a man she has never seen or known before. But I am still very, very scared.

I am worth about 10 times what my wife is worth financially. If she goes after me, I am screwed. So, I need to keep this friendly for two reasons. I must keep the door open for reconciliation and to make sure that she doesn't hire a bulldog to eat my lunch.

Today, I was visiting with my mother. I told her everything. She recommended that I do two things. Continue to DB and that I should see a lawyer about my own rights and protection. I am making an appointment tomorrow with a good local lawyer. But, my mother asked me today if I still loved her. I told her that I still loved her with all my heart and would still do anything to bring her home. I wan to take my last breath in her arms if life will grant me that wish. She replied, "well, you know what you have to do then, right?" I said no. She replied, "Son, you are going to have to gamble your heart one more time." She is right. I am going to have to commit my heart and soul to DB'ing and roll the dice. She will either come home or I will again be crushed like a grape. But even if I end up crushed again, at least I will walk away knowing that I did all I could to save my marriage and that I was the bigger person in this whole thing. I will either get my wife back or get my dignity back along with a guarantee that I will not have to live with regret for the rest of my life.

That is where I am now. I will spend the next weeks and months DB'ing my behind off. I will refresh my training each night, take notes and become a Jedi Master of the art. I will either succeed or die trying. I love her and I want her back. She is my lover, my best friend and I would take a bullet for her even now after all she has done. But this much I know. If I don't get her back, it won't be my fault. I hope you are doing well. Keep in touch!

FOBD