This Storm Shall Pass

[dolphin_05]

The other thiing you sometimes hear is that they somehow think it will wipe the slate clean. They do feel guilty at some level, and don't know how to deal with it.

That is what I was told by H. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Beatrice.

Glad you too enjoyed The King's Speech. My new year's resolution is to go to the cinema and theatre so much more.

[kissak]

In all our cases.....Our H's have been very careful not to stray too far almost always leaving one foot in the door. Keeping us at arms length and reeling us in at whim when we have strayed.

That is so true. My H will keep some distance, but if he thinks I may be seeing someone or interested in someone else, he trys to reel me back in, even while being with his OW.

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

I am worried about you.

Watching the news here, I hope you are no where near the flooding. I hope you and your family are safe and sound.

I am mentally ready for tomorrow, right now that is....

H called he is planning on being there

That makes me a little ill, I have been hoping he would not attend as it will make it all sooooo much easier on me.

I have this huge fear that seeing him on the opposite side will make me break down.

In passing conversation this morning he stated he is not very happy about divorcing me but still feels this is the only option.
WTF???

I asked him if he wanted to talk before hand and he said we probably should. I will certainly post any conversation results.

I kind of have a conversation all mapped out for H should he venture forward and want one. I will not share what I am asking for tomorrow. I am going to let him be surprised and surprised he will be

I am ready to end this, OW is still in the picture, that is reason alone in my "latest" book.

Thanks for letting me journal away on your thread Cas, I appreciate your generosity.

((((Hugs to all of you))))

Sanderika

[AntoniaB]

Sanderika I've heard the same from my H, that he isn't happy and is in fact sad and feels like a failure for divorcing me, but he also feels there is no other option. What he keeps saying to me is that he already broke my heart, he can't break another. I think he decided that one colossal mistake in his life is enough and he won't let another happen (of course staying in a rel. with OW might be colossal mistake number 2).

I know it's hard to hear that and it makes no sense to you, but just understand that the place he is in, well, you're better off in a way. His confusion and issues are bigger than your marriage and it could never work the way things are now.

Divorce isn't always the end--in some cases it sets things on a different track when they realize it isn't the thing that magically fixes them. But it also isn't the "end" in that if he is bent on being this person who can't be an equal, supporting partner to you, ever, then this frees you to heal and to eventually have the opportunity to be with a person who can be in a "whole" relationship with you.

I also want to say I understand the not wanting to break down in front of him. You know what? You probably will. That's ok. It's expected, it happens to all of us usually, and it is your body's way of releasing your tension and anxiety. It's half biological, in fact, and if you expect it and welcome it as cathartic, you can ride that wave instead of letting it knock you off your feet.

Good luck.

[AntoniaB]

Cas I haven't done the movie viewing alone (in the theater, that is) but it's one of my resolutions too!

[Sanderika]

(((((Antonia)))))

I cried when I read your post.

I am finding comfort in my friends, I consider you a friend.

Thank you so much for your support today.

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

Hi Sanderika,
I just popped in to say hello, send warm hugs, positive thoughts and peaceful vibes to you for today.

I can understand that having H there will be unsettling. However, whatever you are asking for has come after careful consideration and you are above all else a fair and compassionate person. You have endured so much over the past five years and not only have you supported, loved and cared for S but you have also been a haven for H when the easier option would have been to harden your heart to him. In that court room keep an ongoing mantra, " I am a loving and compassionate person. I deserve a happy, peaceful and successful future."

If you breakdown, no big deal. It simply reveals the sensitive and loving person that you are.

Your H's comment that he is not happy about divorcing says it all. Perhaps he thinks this will give him some kind of closure. After all, it's the only thing he hasn't tried yet to bring him the inner peace he obviously desires.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

(((((Sanderka)))))

PS We are all safe from the floods and reports expect our area to remain unaffected at this stage. It is absolutely devastating.

[dolphin_05]

Antonia, I have to confess that I haven't been to the movies alone! I have a few girlfriends who are usually willing to join me for a movie and a coffee and on Saturday I am taking my mum.

[goodattitudegirl]

Sanderika,

You are in my thoughts and prayers today and especially tomorrow. Antonia and Cas have really written some insightful posts! We are all proud of the loving example you have set for all of us and you should be proud of yourself too. Few people are tested the way that you have been over the past 5.5 years and you have shown true love in your actions. As Cas said, you deserve a "happy, peaceful, and successful future" not only for yourself, but also for your S. No one would ever think are unjustified in asking for what you and S need to provide for your futures.

Your H's comment that he is not happy about divorcing says it all. Perhaps he thinks this will give him some kind of closure. After all, it's the only thing he hasn't tried yet to bring him the inner peace he obviously desires.

Cas is right. Your H is a lost soul or he would not be proceeding with this. Some people are very rigid in their thinking. Daniel Amen talks about this in his book "The Brain in Love". These people actually have altered function in the cingulate gyrus area of their brains. I'm pretty sure that my XH has this problem (it has been shown in adult children of alcoholics) and I would guess that a number of our WASs have this problem too.

I also want to say I understand the not wanting to break down in front of him. You know what? You probably will. That's ok. It's expected, it happens to all of us usually, and it is your body's way of releasing your tension and anxiety. It's half biological, in fact, and if you expect it and welcome it as cathartic, you can ride that wave instead of letting it knock you off your feet.

Please don't be hard on yourself ^^^^^^^. You will probably become emotional tomorrow.......and you know what???? You SHOULD be emotional. The judge and everyone else in that courtroom tomorrow should be emotional to see the unnecessary demise of a 30+ year M. Do what YOU need to do to get through tomorrow. You are a very smart woman and you will be able to represent yourself wisely.

I pray that the judge tomorrow acts in a merciful and wise way and I pray that God gives you wisdom to say the things that you need to say tomorrow.

(((((Sanderika))))))

GAG

[Sanderika]

(((Cas)))

I am so happy to hear you and your family are safe, I cannot believe the video we are seeing about the devastation, it is almost unreal that it continues....

Thank you so much too. Your words also made me cry.

I know you all will be with me in spirit tomorrow and I find that very comforting.

Yes, you are right, I have given this settlement a great deal of thought and planning and I have had to do it alone while H kept his head in the sand. I hope he realizes that it is very logical and is designed to give all three of us a good financial future.

I hope it gives him closure and brings him out into the sunlight permanently. I do wish him well and he is really a good man.

I will hold onto your words as I sit in court and pray that I can be brave. Cas, I am really sad and scared.

Thank you again,

Sanderika