who are you?

[Walking]

what 25years said .... all of it.

[marmie]

i don't understand why i am blamed because my h hit me. i thought there is a one strike and your out. he really hurt me.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Marmie,

If he is abusive, physical or mentally leave. If this is his nature and not a one time thing for which he feel horrible about, leave.
A hitter will keep hitting.

[MrBond]

No one is blaming you. What is your next plan of action?

You can either continue to stand by him and get him help "through sickness and health, etc." or you leave.

I disagree with JTB in that I believe in second chances. I've seen former abusers change remarkably as long as they are willing to get the help they need. Hitters do not have to always keep hitting. It's a choice.

But it comes down to your decision.

[25yearsmlc]

Marmie,

You ignored the issues & questions raised in my lengthy post to you. Why?

Given that, I guess I just don't buy your version of events.
Especially when you ignore the hard questions. Your story has evolved dramatically from your original posts about his "sick sexual side" you discovered. Then you say he was pushy with you when he tried to leave the room as you were confronting him about his "sins". Later your posts said it was actually a "hit," so now he's an "abusive hitter" who "will always be violent". It's all about him being wrong (x 2 ).There's still nothing about you in this story.

Finally, I cannot believe you did NOT check into any health issues of your h's. How will you feel if you learn that he is sick? What if his illness is treatable?

I mean, after your claim that all was well and good in the m for "YEARS" with NO indication of any problems sexually, (you said you had a good sex life until your discovery) and with no temper to speak of. Nothing in his history suggests any of this happened before. Then Suddenly, he does not one, but TWO major personality 180's, and poof! You are done.

So what is it? He completely changed, overnight, and you're too busy to figure out what the heck happened to your marriage? You just want out? Or, Was the marriage lousy for a long time and you were in denial, or are you over reacting to actions of his and looking to blame him for your seriously bruised ego? ( I can understand that, but I'd admit it. We all have egos). Are you letting your new OM friend steer you into rigid negative labels, and just ditching the marriage? What is really going on? Why do you ignore the hard questions and then portray yourself as a victim, being "blamed" when all I did was ask you questions to assist you?
Is this type of communication a pattern of yours or in your marriage?

As an attorney, I can tell you that NOT all hitters hit again. A one time thing can be reversed. There's research to back this up. Hence the use of "anger management" classes. Not all of it fails.

But something tells me you don't want him anyhow. So AGAIN I ask, what is it you want from us here, on a divorce busting site?

And btw, before someone reduces what I'm saying b/c they can't grasp nuance, I do not support staying in an abusive marriage. But I also don't buy that this M is necessarily one of them. Even if it is a bad marriage now, I sure would want to know how a "good marriage" can change so fast and so dramatically. I'd want serious counselling about my role in any of it, and what to look for in the future. You don't seem interested in that.

So again I ask, What is it you want?

[marmie]

i did get help regarding my h by talking to my priest and h did not want to go. at that time even my priest brought up the fact that men often lead secret lives so how would i really know how long h has?
when he got so upset i thought he was ashamed and the shoves were out of character. the hitting was over the top to me and very shocking. it scared me.
i don't know very much about the shemales porn, but i got advice here to consider staying anyway if he wanted a sex change. forgive me if that is repulsive to me there is a lot going on that has upset me. sorry if you guys thing this is normal, moral behavor.

[MrBond]

No one said this was normal, moral behavior.

There's no doubt your H needs help, but right now he doesn't want to seek it himself. It's like alcoholism. Alcoholics aren't going to recognize they have a problem until they look inwards and say "hey I'm an alcoholic".

The questions are about you and your attitudes towards your H not his actions. When it comes right down to it, do you still stay by his side and get through this or do you D?

The shoves were out of character and I'm sure it was out of fear/shame/embarrasment, etc. To be honest, if you haven't had an open sex life in terms of discussing what fantasies the two of you have, maybe that adds to it. I wouldn't go so far as to say he wants a sex change just because he looks at shemale porn. Maybe it's just a weird fetish of his. I don't know and neither do you until he opens up to you.

You can't keep mindreading why he's doing what he's doing. It makes your sitch worse by causing you to resent things that may or may not be true. Only your H knows and right now he doesn't feel like talking.

When you brought the other man over, it was probably emasculating to your H to see you getting help from someone else. It's messed up, but right now that's his thought process.

So what do YOU want?

[marmie]

i want a normal healthy relationship/marriage again. at least i was fooled into thinking it was normal. i tried to talk to him. i tried to get him to talk to the priest with me.
as far as the friend coming with me. i thought that is what you are suppose to do when you fear being around someone who may hit you again.
the dv websites give advice to get out safely. i thought i did that.
what does this forum think is ok to do?

[Cyrena]

"This forum" doesn't think anything--different people each have their own perspectives. All of them are trying to help you, based on what they interpret you as saying. I think all of them are trying to get you to state what YOU want at this point. Moments of crisis, after all, are what force us to reexamine our lives, to see where we've veered away from growing, mentally and spiritually, and to ponder how we want to amend that.

You spend a lot of time talking about your male friend--you had breakfast together, then he told you how to handle collecting your things, he assisted you with that, then he suggested you confide in him, took you to a NY party, sat with you in church several times, drove you to the doctor and physical therapy, tells you what to tell other parishioners, gave you a list of lawyers, gave you all sorts of advice on how things should have been handled....

Taking your friend along to protect you while you collected your things was a wise precaution. However, the rest of it sounds like very dependent behaviour. It sounds as though he does not trust you to take care of yourself like an adult woman, and I'm concerned that he is taking over control of so many parts of your life. That's why I asked if you had other friends who could also assist you.

I think you were right to get away from your H if you thought you were in physical danger. However, rather than seeking advice from others "struggling with violence," perhaps, since this was a one-time event, it would be better to focus on how YOU want to proceed, on what the underlying rifts in your M really were, on where you might want to strengthen and mature. This kind of self-awareness, in the end, is what this whole website is about.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Excellent advice Cyrena.