New to this community seeking advice 2

[JR09]

Thanks Michelle! Great input!

I'll do exactly as you said and negotiate it tactfully. My W is good with every other weekend from our past conversations, but who knows, maybe there are other options she could come up with...

Still hasn't called back. But she will soon. She knows I want to be with the boys as well so she knows she'll have to call. I'd rather not call and remind her for now. She said in days past how much I was badgering her with demands etc etc. Let's see what happens next.

Today, I got back to doing PT(physical training), after a long Christmas break. Good for the soul and body...Gotta keep mknd and body moving.

Thanks again Michelle and WCW for the great advice.

Joel

[MichelleLT]

Breaks can be nice, but working out always feels too good to leave for long. I have also been taking it easy, although unintentionally since I sprained an ankle on New Year's Day during a 10k trail run. I still have 4 weeks til the 4 miler I'm going to drag my puppy on though, so I'll be good by then.

[JR09]

So here I am living temporarily with this family. Very nice people. I am blessed. W called 3 days ago to ask if I can help buy baskeball shoes for the boys. I agreed and asked her to give me her bank account info so I can transfer funds. Well, I am still waiting for the bank account info. W hasn't called, nothing. She was also supposed to call me back and tell me how we would work out the visitation schedule for the boys. Still no phone call.

So today I called and left a reminder for W to give me that bank account info. I also suggested I could also send a check, whichever way she wants to get the money. No phone call. I figured this was important enough for her to call me, so why not help me and give me some info so I can help?

I don't understand. I don't want to speculate and red minds, so I'll leave it at that. This still puzzles me. Why not return the call and let me know she either needs the money or not?

I don't understand. I really don't.

Joel

[JR09]

My W calls this morning after I left her a voicemail yesterday about helping her to buy shoes for the boys. She asks me to mail her a check. OK, no issues.

I then ask her if we are still on to swap the boys this weekend since "every other weekend" seems to be the visitation option. She then said" well S11 has basketball practice and this and that, and S13 is doing this and that..." I just said "OK, I'll take care of all that, no issues". W turned silent and said "OK".

I think she expected me to back off having the boys this weekend, I don't know. But I stuck to my guns and sent the message that I too could handle my buiseness as a parent. Well, that's mindreading , I know, but that's my take on that.

Calm and good ephone exchange though. W was sick. I empathized with her and wished her a speedy recovery.

Joel

[MichelleLT]

Who knows why the WAS dawdles over stuff sometimes. It's the pattern for some reason. When they need/want something, they want instant response. When you ask them for something (even though it will help them out) there's just not the same pressure. It's like they have to make sure you know that they don't have to jump when you say jump or something (consciously or subconsciously, true or not, it's what they try and project). It's part of their detachment.

Just try not to let it get to you. If she REALLY needed the money right NOW, she would have been calling back. So just shrug your shoulders and stick to the classic guys line about how no one understands women.

Good for you on pushing to get on a schedule with the boys. So what if they have commitments this weekend. That's part and parcel of the package. Just get their schedule and hang out with the boys. Should be fun times! It'll be awesome that you get to see so much more of them now!

Sorry to hear W is sick. I'm sure that's part of the reason she has so little energy to deal with this stuff. But, you having the boys this weekend will give her a nice break.

This is a transition time. And a chance to really showcase the person you have worked so hard to become.

[JR09]

Michelle,

You always bring in a lot of wisdom in your input. You always give hope and have this real keen sense of calming people down.

THANKS. More to follw with this weekend's events !!!

Joel

[JR09]

Well, I had my first weekend with the boys. Had a great time. Went to a hockey game, swam at the local YMCA, ate out, took the boys to their baskel games, went to church, and just enjoyed being with the boys and their silly jokes. Every other weekend is definitely better than every month or 3 months...

The link-ups with W were civil for the most part. W didn't say anything at all or attempt to make conversation. Just dropped off the boys and drove off. But before the link-ups, W and I had a phone discussion about her vehicle and how unsafe it was with many mechanical issues. She wanted me to pay it off so she could get a new used one, smaller and more gas efficient. I told her I couldn't do it financially.

So I offered to swap vehicles so she could have a more reliable one while I figure out what's wrong with hers. And that's what we did after she agreed to do so...after much resistance and convincing over the phone. My vehicle is very reliable. I maintained it well in the the past 2.5 years, drove it up and down CO, UT, and ID to see the boys without any issues. Now I have to fix the other vehicle...

This weekend though,after swapping the boys to take them with me and talking with W on the phone about the vehicle swap and finances, I was so frustrated that I sent W an email which basically says " W, you really have changed. You've become mean, vindictive, bitter, and angry thru the past 2.5 years. You hold grudges forever. I still love you, but you probably don't care about that either. The truth will set you free, just like it set me free so I knew what to do to heal myself...""

That email probably wasn't an effective DB technique...I regretted sending it later. When we swapped the boys again for them to go back with W, W didn't say a word to me (obviously). But she was not mad looking or rude. I definitely expected the reaction after what I emailed her...

Anyway, first weekend with the boys over. My S13 emailed me his basketball games schedule starting this week. I plan to attend them, but I fear W's opposition if she sees me there. She always talks about her "safe zone". I missed all kinds of games in 2.5 years since my W left me. I really want to watch my son play. What do you guys recommend?

Thanks for the input.

Joel

[MichelleLT]

The best thing to do with stuff like that is to write the e-mail then delete it. Or post it on here so you can get some feedback. Venting is all well and good. We all need to do it. But I really don't see the point of sending something like that unless you were just trying to get a rise out of her.

You always need to ask yourself two questions before communicating with the WAS: is it going to get me closer to my goal? And am I reacting out of emotion? If you are, you need to sit on it for 48 hours and then evaluate whether it still feels important to you.

If it does, then by all means raise the issue. But do it in a way and at a time that makes it most likely you will get your desired outcome.

The cardinal rules of communication are: NEVER start a sentence with "you." Always start sentences with "I feel" or "I think." If you have any doubt about whether you should send it, DON'T until you've given yourself 48 hours to think about it. And you are always welcome to post on here for feedback.

If you feel it's necessary to apologize, do it with no ifs, ands, buts, or explanations. Maybe I'm off here, but it seems to me the issue is you don't feel like she appreciates the effort you are making to try and help her out, plus she's not being understanding of the financial situation? But regardless, the tone of your e-mail would not have inspired understanding, empathy, or sympathy from her, but rather defensiveness and perhaps even fear that you are "showing your true colors" and going back to how you were when she felt she had to leave you.

Anyways, what's done is done. So the important thing is to recover from it. Make sure you keep your cool, stay collected, and live the person you want to be.

Glad you had such a great weekend with the boys! Definitely good stuff there.

As for games, give W a heads-up. Hey, S13 sent me his schedule and I'd like to attend as many of the games as I can. I feel it's important to him, and it's important to me. Maybe offer to take him if she's busy or has homework to do or whatever. If she seems hesitant, maybe even make it very clear you aren't expecting anything - not to sit with her, nothing except to see the kids.

Most of all be patient. You've just moved and changed up the visitation schedule. There is a lot in motion right now. There are probably going to be things that feel like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. Don't let it get you down. Keep working out, making friends, and enjoying your time with the boys.

[JR09]

Yeah, I knew I shouldn't have sent this email. I knew it. Back to DB basics, I guess...

Joel

[MichelleLT]

It's always back to basics. The basics are the foundation.

You have made a lot of progress. So the important thing is just to recover and move forward.

No point in beating yourself up about what you can't change. We all make mistakes and hindsight is always 20/20. Forgive yourself for the slip, move out and draw fire.