Thank you Eric...you made me think about some of my behavior...I still make excuses for him, I still care about what he thinks, I still try not to upset him, I still try to please him...I still love him....what's wrong with me????
BTW - RE: Car & Cake...jump on a plane, bring your GF and we can all drive around in my car, while eating the cake
OK now to today...had a client meeting with H....all went well, we had a relaxed drive downtown chatting away and a good meeting with client...no tension, friendly...just like old times...of course the client is still under the impression that we are a couple, stopped at an office of another long term client....also thinks that we are still a couple...even invited us to dinner at his house with his wife...H didn't say anything either...
Well on the drive back H said..."I'm assuming that it's OK for my sister to stay with you when she comes next month"....I told him that I don't know, that I have very mixed feelings about it...they didn't contact me for more then a year, not even to ask me how I'm doing, yet they welcomed him and OW into their house...and they didn't seemed to care about me or my feelings...that really hurt....And now that they want to come I get a call from them...told him that I feel used. He said that they care about me, but it's hard for them too, he said they should have called me, he doesn't know why they didn't. I told him that he put them into this impossible position, bringing OW there and then they felt bad contacting me...
I said that I felt that they are my family also, but I didn't feel that in the past year and it hurt...he said "If you don't let them stay, you are severing that relationship, you are punishing them for letting me (and OW) stay there...This is my house too, you realize". I said technically it is, but you don't live there anymore, you can't tell me who to invite over...He replied "Fine if you don't want them to stay, I'll make different arrangement"...he was already angry and acted like I'm being really unreasonable.
I said "First of all I didn't say NO, I'm just letting you know how I feel about the whole thing...and how do you imagine it's going to work?...they will sleep there and in the morning go to your place? or do you expect to spend time with them at my place, or maybe bring OW to my house as well...one big family...He ignored the reference to OW, but said that he expects to spend time at my house with them.
I lost it and said things that I shouldn't have. Told him that he wants to have the best of both worlds, that I feel used, that he wants to have his cake and eat it too...after how he betrayed me, lied to me for months...to his best friend and wife...he had absolutely no regard for my feelings and that he wouldn't treat even his worst enemies the way he treats me...
yup I lost it....made him feel guilty again...bad Mila
Of course he got angry and defensive...and we had a heated exchange on some of the "points" that I threw at him...
But at some point he said....You will never forgive me....there is no going back...you would obviously never forgive me.....how can this ever change in the future...you would never forgive me...
I said "I forgave you already once...remember the first affair?" H replied "Obviously not...you keep bringing it up" ..."It only came up again because you did it again"....It would be possible to forgive with both of us working on it....
We stopped talking and drove in silence as we were calming down...then I apologized...I said that I didn't mean to get into R type of discussion....but the issue of his sister brought up some emotions and some anger that I still have...
Also said let's talk about your sister's visit when we both calm down....
H was quiet, didn't reply...his cell rang...it was D - he rejected the call and said I can't talk to her right now....without a word left the car and didn't even say bye...I glanced at his face...he was barely holding his emotions in check...not sure if it was anger or trying really hard not to cry......couldn't read him...probably both
Well I haven't done this for a long time...I mean say things that would make him feel guilty....
Curiously I wasn't as upset with my self and with the discussion as I would have been just a few months ago...I kind of feel...OK Needed to set some boundaries...he needed to hear how I feel about his sister's situation (OK threw in a little extra...my bad)...I know it will make no difference...probably just got him angry with me.
What I found really revealing is his statements about "forgiving"...what he said and how he said it made it so obvious to me that he has been thinking about the possibility of coming back...
After he made those statements I had this urge to just say to him "Enough already, lets stop all of this nonsense and come home"...just a fleeing urge
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila, I have to say that I have been thinking -- no, fantasizing -- a lot lately about saying many of the things you said to your H to mine. I am sneaking up on it in a way -- making a few more pointed comments in our convos, not letting his slips go by without response, pulling back when he clearly hasn't considered his actions -- but I haven't let him have it yet. If / when I do, it will be when I truly don't care how it affects him, me, or any chance for our R, but I am not there -- yet.
Don't beat yourself up about saying your piece. At least you are in touch with your feelings, were able to express them, and were honest about them with your H. That is being true to yourself, regardless of how it affects your H.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Mila can you see how your husband is trying to make you responsible for his bad choices, because he doesn't want to man up and acknowledge that he has created the mess. For example - saying that if you don't let your in-laws stay it will be your fault for damaging the relationsihp. Excuse me. What region of planet Zog does that family live on?
I could not believe you said 'Bad Mila'. Yes, he got to you, but he meant to. The 'fault' is in reacting, rather than responding, but you were right to say what you did. I think you are frightened of losing your h. And until you let go of that fear he has you where he wants you. Standing for your marriage is not the same as being frightenend of losing your spouse.
The statement about forgiving that he made is part of the MLC script, because they are projecting their deep seated fear of being unforgiveable onto us.
Part of your husband clearly doesn't want to let go, and he knows you want him back. Now there are two courses of action. You either try and stay friends while he goes through his MLC, during which he will likely push every button you have, and you may well end up feeling trashed, This is the DBing approach and it works for some people.
Or you protect yourself at all costs from someone who is essentially not thinking straight, puts himself first, and would sell his grandmother if it suited him. This involves taking a big step back, and letting him have his MLC with minimal support from you, looking after you, and being prepared to let him go fully. And that can hurt. Believe me, I know!
Personally I would write a nice letter to your in laws, and say that you do not feel able to receive them at present, and that they would likely feel uncomfortable too [hand a little responsibility over to them!], but that you would like to see them and perhaps have lunch/dinner somewhere. This will tell you whether or not they just want a free place to stay or really value you . Adultery and separation have casualities, but pretending everything is OK is just crazy to me.
Sorry for the 2 x 4 but you are such a nice person, and your h is such a MLC jerk!
Mila, you know I did the same thing a few weeks ago with my H. I just let him have it. It made me feel better and really didnt change my situation in any way. If they can tell us how they feel and do what they have done to us, in my opinion, we should be able to tell them how we feel.
Have a good Wednesday
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Mila, I think you need to address the issue of your inlaws' visit now. I don't think it's their idea to come stay w/you...I think your h is the one that came up w/that idea. Second, your home is not the Holiday Inn and if they are only coming to see you in order to have a place to stay, well, your h should be the one to have them either stay w/him or he put them up in a hotel.
I think it would be a very uncomfortable situation and I sure as heck wouldn't want him coming over all of the time to visit and maybe bring the ow as well. You would be the hotel, cafeteria, maid and have the laundry detail. Nope...I wouldn't do it.
It's time to think about you and what you want...it's your home now and he needs to face the consequences of his actions.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sweetie, you did nothing wrong. You were honest about how you felt. That is never wrong. Your h turned it all around on you.
I think Beatrice (and Snodderly) are completely right. I like the idea of the letter to them. If it doesnt feel right to have them there, then don't. It may be his house, but its your home right now. He chose to leave it.
Mila, we all take different things from dbing. But the most important thing I think is to let your h go. Really and truly and completely. Once you do that, you let go of the fear.
Put your h and your marriage in a box and store it safely on a shelf.
Now, you said how you feel. Good for you. He heard you, right? As much as an MLCer can. No need to say it all again and please dont beat yourself up for it.
It's now time to get out of the way of his MLC. He needs to walk his path on his own.
Thank you so much CW, Twink, Beatrice, Kissak, Snodderly & Brooklyn
Your advice and opinions are invaluable and you all deal with your own hard situations and I really appreciate you taking the time to post to me....it's been such a hard road and you all make it more bearable for me. Love you all.
I feel caught in circumstances, that's why it's so hard for me to completely drop the rope, it would be so much easier not to have to deal with H at all, but I don't have the luxury right now.
We are still in business together and I have no choice but to interact with my horrible MLCr on friendly bases...the business is still my and D's livelihood and I just have to continue working with him for the time being.
As for H's sister & family staying at my house...I should maybe explain better what it is all about...they are not coming for a vacation, she is coming to see her dad, my FIL, who has cancer and the prognosis is not good, he may only have few months left. The family is coming to say goodbye to him in a sense...I love my FIL dearly and would do anything for him...if I let H's family stay with me it will be for for my FIL...
I've been really struggling with this but I have to stay true to myself and even though it will be incredibly difficult to have them here and have H hanging around my house, I would feel even worse if I said no under the circumstances. I definitely would not let them stay with me to please H, who cares what he wants, I would want to do it for my FIL. His townhome is not big enough to house them all, my H's place is tiny and I have this huge house...I can somehow survive it for 10 days...
I will talk with H and set some ground rules (like no OW anywhere near here)and if he agrees to my terms I will do it....for my FIL and for my soul...and I'll make sure H understands this....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
