On Figurative Ledge - Talk Me Down?

[sandi2]

It's only been six days of darkness? Not enough time. I disagree with the others. I don't think you should pursue right now.

Your FIL is going home to tell his W everything that was said and then she's going to tell your W. Let your W stew and wonder for a while.

This whole D thing came to a head over her threatening to put the dogs out of the house! The two of you had fought since getting legally M. There needs to be more time for each of you to get your acts together and decide just how much you want to be together.

She's beginning to wonder if you really want her. Good! Maybe she'll even work up the courage to contact you. Let her pursue a bit.

Is OM still in the picture? Have you cut lady friends from your life?

My advice is to talk to your DB Coach and go by her/his advice.

[sandi2]

Oh, and I don't agree with sending some cute joke to her. But, that's just me. If you're working on being dark....then be dark. If you are not consistent longer than six days, what have you accomplished?

If she really wants you above anyone else, she'll get rid of OM for good. Same applies to you.

There is some root problem here in this R and it may take a therapist to help you figure it out. Both of you are insecure and instead of assuring each other, you took it out on each other.

[Truegritter]

Can you clarify what you mean by this "in spite of what she is telling..."????

I mean she might be saying she doesn't love you or want to be with you.

Do you only love your W when she is peaceful and agreeable?

That is what I mean. And that is what I learned by this journey.

If you have a fixer mentality (all men do to some degree I think) and from what you describe you rescued her, there is some things you have to learn about that dynamic.

I read "co dependent no more" I think is the title.

This relationship is very difficult to detach from and that is why you are having such a difficult time.

You want to save her from her choices. You feel you caused them.

Two things happen when you fix/control/rescue.

You are wanting a result. You get validation from your role of the fixer. It makes you feel good. You believe you are doing good.

The person you are trying to fix doesn't get better. You get resentful for your efforts or unfulfilled expectations. You begin to verbalize or otherwise act that out. You feel you failed.

The fixee feels like they can't do anything for themselves. they lose self confidence, they begin to allow you to fix everything and rely on you to do it. They feel incompetent, less of the whole that is the union of two people.

This is a downward spiral.

I am speaking from my own experience here Denver and only you can apply what I am saying to you. And I don't mind you quoting anything of what I have put on these boards.

I am here because of my own journey and if my experience can help someone the way I was helped then I feel I am paying my debt forward.

I think there are ways to SHOW your W you love her. First you need to get to knowing what that means to you.

Love is not fixing/rescuing.

Your journey is not in the rear view mirror it is in the mirror in front of you.

Your old M was broken by two people. One of those two has to lead the way to a new one.

[Denver_2010]

It's only been six days of darkness? Not enough time. I disagree with the others. I don't think you should pursue right now.

Your FIL is going home to tell his W everything that was said and then she's going to tell your W. Let your W stew and wonder for a while.

This whole D thing came to a head over her threatening to put the dogs out of the house! The two of you had fought since getting legally M. There needs to be more time for each of you to get your acts together and decide just how much you want to be together.

She's beginning to wonder if you really want her. Good! Maybe she'll even work up the courage to contact you. Let her pursue a bit.

Is OM still in the picture? Have you cut lady friends from your life?

My advice is to talk to your DB Coach and go by her/his advice.

The first 6 months of being legally married were decent. 2010 was just a train wreck. I think that it had more to do with me being depressed over business and personal finances than anything. Yes, the last BIG argument we had were over my dogs. Pretty stupid, I know. In my defense however, my dogs are like children to me. I think, for me, it was more about the lack of respect that my W showed me when she made the comment in front of my friends than anything. Still pretty stupid thing to cause such a long argument.

I have no idea of status of OM. FIL doesn't agree that W is in A... at least PA. He sees W quite a bit bc he babysits SS and picks SS up for school every morning. He says he has never seen OM there at W's house. Of course, this does not mean that there is nothing going on on the weekends, nor does it mean that nothing has happened in the past 2 months. Bottom line is that I really have no clue what status is with OM. I don't ask about OM when I do have contact with W, SS does not bring him up, so I just don't know.

I HOPE that she's beginning to wonder if I really want her. When this all first went down in early November, I told her that I would fight for our M and that I would win her heart back. I continued that line up through, probably close to the time that she moved out at the very end of November. I stopped saying things like that bc I found DB. Though I have told her as recently as Dec 22, when I last spoke to her face to face, that I am still fighting for M.

I wonder if she wonders "well he says he's fighting for M but he isn't doing anything?"

My concern is that she thinks that I am the same selfish, self centered person that she came to see me as while we were together... Bc, as she may perceive it, I am not actually doing anything to fight for her.

I know that I am by being here, by looking at myself and my issues, but I worry that she is detaching from me.

[Metal]

Crumbs for the squirrel, is pretty funny!

Yeah, I like the note idea.
Or see if she wants to go get some coffee.
You could even text that to her.
If she asks, I'd say just "as friends", and not a "date", and don't talk about R. It'd be just to hang out.

(I feel like an idiot giving advice here, but oh well)

[Denver_2010]

I feel badly about constantly coming here and whining about how I am down and am discouraged about sitch. I know that the advice is to detach etc., and it makes so much sense when you are reading that advice that someone is giving you. In reality though, it is very difficult. I'm writing this bc I feel that others here may think that I am ignoring their advice. I'm not. Just having a difficult time.

[Denver_2010]

I am exhausted today. I don't feel like being patient or detaching or giving W more time to love me again. I want to tell her how I feel, how I love her and SS more than anything in the world, and that I need them in my life. I want to ask her to come home... to see me... anything. I feel that there needs to be resolution.

[Denver_2010]

Detaching vs. building a wall:

What is the difference?

To detach is to separate myself from the actions, emotions, and words of my W.

To protect my own emotional well being.

To protect myself from hurt.

To build a wall is to put up a shield against the actions, emotions, and words of someone who can hurt you emotionally.

To build a wall is to separate yourself from the feelings of others.

To put something you and the rest of the world.

At some point in my life I put a wall bw myself and the world... to protect myself... from being hurt like I had been....

Building this wall also means that you are unable to receive love from others

Bc you are not open to it... you cannot put your heart "out there"...

I've done this in my life...

And I think that it prevented me from receiving love and being open to love from my W...

W never knew me without this wall.

W shattered this wall when she told me that she was no longer in love with me and was leaving our home.

Now, the advice is to 'detach' from my W's actions, words, and emotions.

What is the difference?

[Denver_2010]

I mean she might be saying she doesn't love you or want to be with you.

Do you only love your W when she is peaceful and agreeable?

That is what I mean. And that is what I learned by this journey.

I understand. No Grit, I love my W regardless. I always have. I wish that I understood then how to show that I still loved her even when I was angry with her or disagreed with her. Thank you again for the words that you use to convey what you are saying. I wish that I were at peace with my place here as you are Grit.

This relationship is very difficult to detach from and that is why you are having such a difficult time.

That, and the fact that I don't want to detach. Don't get me wrong, I want to stop hurting, to stop missing my W, to stop hoping that I will have her back soon... But I don't yet understand the difference bw detaching and letting my love for W fade. It is the only thread left bw W and I.

You want to save her from her choices. You feel you caused them.

Two things happen when you fix/control/rescue.

You are wanting a result. You get validation from your role of the fixer. It makes you feel good. You believe you are doing good.

The person you are trying to fix doesn't get better. You get resentful for your efforts or unfulfilled expectations. You begin to verbalize or otherwise act that out. You feel you failed.

The fixee feels like they can't do anything for themselves. they lose self confidence, they begin to allow you to fix everything and rely on you to do it. They feel incompetent, less of the whole that is the union of two people.

This is a downward spiral.

A major contributor to the downfall of my M I'm afraid.

I think there are ways to SHOW your W you love her. First you need to get to knowing what that means to you.

Your old M was broken by two people. One of those two has to lead the way to a new one.

I have learned a lot about what love means to me. Though I know that I'm not completely there yet.

I don't know HOW to show my W that I love her when she is not open to it.

[Denver_2010]

I can't take the darkness bw W and I any longer. I'm going to have a major backslide tonight. I'm going to call W to see how she is doing. I feel her detaching from me.