So, i thought an in-house separation was talked about last 2 weeks ago and we talked more just last week about timelines, schedules etc, and i had THOUGHT we wanted to resolve some financial issues, work on the house to fix obvious things to max any return when we sell, and give time for the girls to adjust. You know, some time to ajust and prepare.
But not so appartently. Really pisses me off!! Just yesterday she starts chain emailing me about a much needed bathroom reno which her brother (contractor) can do and i can help with. Kinda soon but okay we can plan it at least. Its money though we are trying to use to pay off things. But no, just got an email asking to get her house keys at lunchtime when i go home to give to her brother to look at what needs to be done. Also, she's just been talking to our realtor this morning who want to put up the house right away...GAHHH! WTF!
So much for fricken plans she wants to escape as fast as she can apparently. What do i do? Do i put my foot down and say whoah? hold the phone?!? Does she not realize how this will put us into a bind? At the very least we have all kinds of stuff we need to put into a spring yard sale and what do we do with that?
Things are going well this week although she seems to be happy with separate sleeping arrangements judging by her mood. I'm afraid this has empowered her to move faster.
I discussed the realtor thing with her. We agreed it doesnt hurt to have the realtor in to look at the place to give opinions about what things to improve, and i will listen as far as advice of selling strategy and timing but really we are in the middle of winter and buyers won't appreciate the yard itself which is a selling feature imo.
It is an odd situation (surreal to me) that this is happening and i feel conflicted in my emotions. I feel i should be more distraught but i am actually not. A good thing maybe? At this point if GAL'ing and detaching fully works miracles on my W and she suddenly comes running back to me than i might consider giving it another go, but maybe not...and quite honestly i have as much chance winning the lottery. Its better to think this is invetible and move on.
On a side note, sleeping in a separate room in my own bed has been great. I'm actually sleeping much better. Funny, why is that? And whats funnier is now the cats are confused and wake my W up to be fed early morning. Welcome to reality! Maybe she will come to realize all that i have done for her over the many years, lol
i'm amazed at how many similar situations there are to mine. I've got the realtor coming tonight based on pressure from my H. He wants to move so quickly to sell .. our house is a disaster ! flood in the basement, have finished walls, trim, floors, deck half assembled.. I think he's in for a rude awakening. I was secretly hoping for him to come back to the house so I can work on my LRT.
Good luck with your sitch ! i'll keep an eye out to see how things are panning out for you
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"Good memories tell you that your past was worth it, bad ones tell you that you were strong enough to go on"
The bathroom reno continues today but i think for how much we are paying the BIL for this i might have lots of work left to do myself. I was looking around the house last night for imperfections and there is alot of touchup i have to do and cleaning. I have to look into offsite storage space. There should be nothing major left to do but i will see what happens on friday when the realtor comes and gives us an opinion on selling price. My W has a high figure in mind but i also think she is in for a rude awakening, not to mention the realtor fees, legal fees and whatnot.
I read your other thread and we are in a similar situation. I am a few weeks further out than you, I think. We tried the separate sleeping arrangements, and as my H did all the crazy things your wife is doing and then some, I became more angry.
I found out about some very irresponsible spending and told him to find another place to live - I couldn't trust his judgement and worried about losing everything (house, etc). It was the best thing for me. I am so much more at peace - and he has to face the reality of being on his own without the comforts of home and family.
I realize this is not the best DB strategy, but we have been on this rollercoaster before, just like you - about 10 years ago. I'll share my story here soon, but right now I am trying to detach and dwelling on it makes me sad and isn't productive. I don't know if I am actually DBing him anymore. I think I am just working on detaching and DBing myself for the first time - expecting nothing from him and TRULY focusing on me. It is very different from the last time. I am really letting go of the outcome - I thought I did before, but I didn't.
I say all this just to let you know I support you, and understand that you are frustrated and hurting right now. I would do whatever brings you peace. Focus on what YOU can control(very little actually), and let her go. It is scary, and your feelings will become clear in time. Breathe... pray (if you do that)... read... share your heart with others... take care of your children and yourself.
Thanks Lainey, sorry i didnt respond sooner, i wandered back to my other thread for a bit.
The separating process continues. I've been sleeping in a separate bedroom for a few weeks now and i admit i'm sleeping decently considering. W always kept to her side of the bed anyways so i dont miss the closeness. One of the cats has taken a liking to sleeping at my feet so that will have to do.
W has bought herself a car and opened up her own separate accounts and discussed getting her own mortgage. We look to have the house ready for selling by mid february (for optimum timing purposes). If things go well then financially we should be just okay.
My oldest daughter (D15) is not taking this well. W has tried to discuss things with her but has been shut out. The two of them have a way of bringing emotions to a head. I am more calm and know how to talk to D. I brought up some separation issues driving her from school exams today, and although she wasnt happy to hear it, she listened. It will plant a seed though at least.
I am as detached and resigned to this as anyone can be. I think i realize i have to let W go and discover that she misses me or appreciates what i did for her. At least thats the fairy tale and i know that. I suspect she will turn into party central and sleep with the first guy that shows interest. So be it...i can't dwell on it. I will be watching closely to see my daughters arent ignored and neglected. I will also not be used as a doormat and respond to everything she needs to do that is HER responsibility. I know that is a fine line when kids are still involved but i will walk it.
I feel confident and assured. My family has my back...my kids love me, i have a decent job, i will be alright.
Xabian, You really sound well. That realization is hard, isn't it? I am right there. I want the fairy tale too. I think my husband will spend his time drinking with his friend (alcoholic in a bad marriage), reminiscing about the good old days (when they were 15~grow up!), and either sleep with some skank or end up back at the strip clubs before long. It sounds like you are moving forward.You really sound confident! It is so important to have that family support! I have it with my FIL, believe it or not. He is so upset that his son would do this to his grandson.
I have mostly let go of it - but realize it is a process. Most days it is not an issue, and I use thought stopping when it creeps in. Then I move on to try to do something fun/productive. The hardest time is when I am alone and my son is with him.I really miss my son so much! I am trying to reframe that time as time for me to recharge and take care of my own needs, but I would prefer to be with him. Does your wife spend much time with your children?
I am looking at getting the house ready for sale too. It sounds like the actions your wife has taken are helping you to let go somewhat. Do you ever find yourself angry at her movement away (separate accounts and bedroom)? I find myself angry at anything that my H does to stall (leaving clothes here, keeping his key, not filing for separation/divorce). It is disrespectful, and I have told him as much.
I want to let go of the anger - I know it is keeping me from fully detaching. I'm working on this with my therapist, and she is encouraging me to fully experience it (I have stifled much of it in an effort to DB and improve things - not being a doormat, but just by being considerate in the way I expressed my feelings, using appropriate language, not accusing (now I am letting it fly which I never did. It feels good temporarily. I will probably start journaling it rather than really saying it. I see that it is not productive. All a part of the process.
Thanks for reading my post. I read yours and others and learn much about this journey. It helps.
Sigh...i went home for lunch and found a copy of a blank legal separation agreement. I will have to deal with this i guess.
Lainey, i might sound good but it has its ups and down as i'm sure you can appreciate. It is certainly a process to detach and one of the hardest things to do. When i read others threads and stories i see the hardest thing seems to be for people to detach and learn to accept they could be happy as a single entity. Many LBS seem to have a hard time with the prospects of being 'lonely' and i only feel for them. I've had a long time myself to get over this. I certainly recall when this all started and being lonely was my ever present thought. But no more.
Glad to see you have come to terms with this too Lainey. Otherwise it makes everything else difficult to deal with.
So the separation schedule is slightly falling behind. We were suppoed to be sitting down with the realtor this week to put the house on the market. The renovations and painting are not done yet but getting close.
I am very un-motivated and tired to do all this. W took it upon herself to try and paint the living room. She has never really assisted in any reno work since we've been married. In true DB style i told her what i expected to get finished this past weeked which did not include painting. So she decided she would stop being lazy and do it. So she managed to prep and prime yesterday...thats it...but at least she did it herself lol. I think she learned its not all easy. Perhaps doing these 'small' things as she sees them will show her what i've put up with over the many years.
D15 is starting to accept the inevitible. I knew it would take her some time to come around. I'm not sure which parent she still wants to stay with.
On this Valentines Day i feel a bit out of sorts. Odd in a way that i don't have to worry about finding the perfect gift or going out for dinner or anything for W.
I feel like i'm getting a WAH mindset. I just don't care what happens and want to get away. I realize the love is lost and it saddens me. I'll keep truckin' this week to get the house ship shape and ready for sale. Keeping busy keeps my mind busy which is all good.
