Well LIS, I dont know if letting my kids say these things to there mom is going to hurt or hinder my attempts to get my family back together. I cant see it hurting though.
I will say this, her friends that have been running the kids back and forth and letting her stay at her house with them were put in a bind by her this morning. She bailed on sitting for them, so i went over at 4:30 this morning and stayed until their kids went to school.
When i arrived, they asked me how she say the kids last night, so i told them. J took me aside and told me to never let OM drive them again. He has known OM for a long time and said that OM smokes pot all day at work, and that my W and him are always high and they drink alot. I asked how much and he said they go through a 24 of beer in a couple of days.
Talk about a RED FLAG! explains how my wife lost 8 sizes in 9 months, why she is pale white and her eyes are sunken and black. He said he promised her not to tell me about this issue and that is why he agreed to all the travel on her behalf and the visits being at his house. I thanked him and told him I would have to tell her I know.
This just confirmed my suspicions. My lawyer has already discovered that OM was hospitalized for a crack addiction for almost 6 months. I did send my W a email telling her that she needs to take extra care with the kids. That she hasnt made the best judgement calls with the kids. That she has admitted to me the amount of pot smoking and alcohol consumption. That as she chooses to have a drug addict near my children, they need to prove that he is clean and sober before I ever let my children drive in a vehicle again. If she persisted on this then she would have to take me to court and i would gladly state my case for the safety of my children.
All i got back was, the OM wouldnt intentionally hurt the children. They shouldnt have to prove anything to me. That she is their mother and can do what she wants when she wants.
I told her no she cant when it comes to the kids and she needs to realize that her lifestyle is not safe for them.
So i dont know what to say now. With alcohol and drug use, it explains why one minute she is the old her and the next she is totally different. Her father is an alcoholic and followed this type of path and ended up in and out of jail for years.
Any ideas what i do now with this dynamic. I know that I cant trust anything that has happened to this point.
Oh God, Tank, this is not good. I don't have kids, but what I do have is a history with this stuff. My father is a recovering alcoholic, 3 out of 4 of my siblings struggled or are struggling with addictions, 3 out of 4 of my grandparents had addictions and countless uncles. I don't drink, my H calls me a killjoy, I call it survival.
You can't let your kids be there. I know you already know this. I know you are fighting for W and I know that being combative on this is going to compromise this. But you can't let your kids be there. Please place an emergency call to your lawyer and let him know what is going on. BTW, do the kids have a lawyer yet? If not, have you encouraged them to speak with the counselor about what they have told you. The second they do, that counselor is going to need to report it if she/he feels that they are in danger.
Your W is not in a good place at all. I don't know what "OM wouldn't intentionally hurt the children" means. I don't know how that is supposed to make you feel better. It SHOULDN'T make you feel better. Her natural instincts to protect her children is COMPROMISED while she is dealing with addiction. Not only should they not be in a car with OM, your children should not be in a house with these people. And I will warn you, this will be one of the hardest things that you'll have to do. But, it sounds like children are smart and are supporting you.
The other night, while doing reading, I was learning about the falling in love process, what chemicals are released, what it does to people's thinking. Basically it said that anyone who thwarts the process of being with the object of that affection is viewed as "the enemy." They said this could be the S, a pastor, children, anyone. This is why I made the original comment about children pushing her. But this situation is much more complicated, Tank.
I'm very sorry for what you are going through. You need to be so proud of yourself for writing everyday and getting your thoughts out there. I will tell you this, people do recover from addictions. It takes time but they do. They have to hit rock bottom, though. That is almost ALWAYS the case. In all those people I mentioned in the family NOT ONE of them decided to get help until they hit bottom. This sounds so trite, but it is so true. Take those kids away and you will hasten the bottom. She might resent you, but you need to protect them and in the end, you ARE helping W too.
You've got a road ahead of you. You need counseling. I know kids are doing counseling, are you as well? I say this because addiction is complicated and you are going to need help getting through that. All IS NOT LOST. There is definitely hope. It is just that you are going to need to take care of things a bit differently now.
You really have a rough road right now. I have so much respect for you and what you working for here. I think you are doing a good job. Keep the high road.
As lost has said, ALL IS NOT LOST, and there is definitely hope. I agree with lost again, in that you might need some help if you don't have it.
I am keeping you in my prayers.
btw--how is the job situation?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
thanks for the advice and kind words Lis. I truley appreciate them. I look forward to my time on here, I am still a little nervous to post on others links, but i like reading and learning.
I truley want my family complete and my w home with us. I have talk to Father Mark today and he is helping me as much as he can. He has recommended a support group for me and on e for the kids to help deal with their mom and her issues. We are going to FC, i go with the children.
My two oldest spent the weekend with their father and he asked to speak with me tonight when i picked them up. We had an hour long conversation. S15 told his dad that he really misses his mom. That last week he spent the visit with Mom and OM and he hated it. He doesnt want to be near OM at all. He has chosen not to see his mom no matter what if OM is around.
So Their dad made me give him the rundown on OM. The funny part is the only thing going through my head is "the enemy of my enemy is my friend." once i told him what my lawyer had discovered and what w has told me and friends have told me he took a deep breath and looked me in the eyes and said,
"You know that i have lived a bad life and i have alot of bad people in my life. I know i havent been a good father till now but i am trying. Once people go down that road, they dont get off hard drugs by using other drugs and booze. If i let my kids go there or be around OM he will have me in court so fast my head will spin. He will however support me in keeping the kids safe and away from that lifestyle and help fight my w for protective order for supervised visitation."
so it got really interesting when he said he understands the kids are happy, that they have a family with me and he doesnt want to disrupt their lives but he wants more time with them. He wants 3 weekends a month, march break and 2 weeks in july and 2 weeks in august.
I have to say Thank-you God.
I will gladly give him this time if i get to keep all my kids together, the 2 wont have to choose where they want to live. So my w just lost her 1 weekend with the 2 oldest. I am not giving up the 1 weekend i get with them. And she is not going to be happy when she doesnt get the kids this week.
I am afraid that she is going to think i am using the kids to leverage her to come home.
Sgctxok, I have a job, i am an expert in my field and it wasnt hard. I didnt have a day of unemployment. thankyou for asking.
And I agree, with sgctxok, all of this is so beautiful!!!
Funny how life is, huh? You working with W's ex. I think its great. I really do. I have to also agree that you cannot worry about what W thinks right now. You are doing the right thing in protecting your kids.
I am glad you are speaking with a member of the clergy. I find for myself that it helps me because I know that the Lord wants me to do what is right. I find comfort in that in my stand for saving my M. How do you feel about going to that support group? It sounds like a really good idea. The best thing you can do for yourself is get educated about what you are dealing with here.
Tank, you are doing such a great job with all of this. You are making good, sound decisions. A lot of us here could learn from you. You have to keep fighting and not give up. Whatever you do, don't give up (sometimes it would be great to take my own advice).
I am having serious doubts about visitation tomorrow. My w thinks i am controlling already. I have been trying to show that i am not, and i am seriously afraid that she will take the kids not going with om as me trying to control her and use the kids as leverage to make her come home.
I had a talk with my MIL tonight and when i told her my concerns she flipped out, said she doesnt really care about w feelings on the issue. All we know about the OM tells her that he is no good. he hasnt responded to text to show that he even cares what she as w mother thinks of the situation.
She will go bankrupt to help pay the legal bills to keep him away from the kids. She firmly believes he really doesnt care to get involved too much. So she told me if i was going to cave then i am not to be home at the pick up time, and she will deal with the situation.
So my entire family and her own mother and brother are on side with us. The boys father is on my side on this. It doesnt make it any easier. They all think it will push her to reach rock bottom, I dont know how much lower she can get. She has been fired, charged for theft, suspended license and her car was repo'd and i get stuck with it.
All i can think about is how she is going to go balistic on me and blame me for it all. I actually think she will hate me for this and it will ruin any hopes of reconciliation. So I am really worried for tomorrow.
Let's just dispense with the BS. There's no soft way to put this, yes, she is going to hate you. Remember, though, feelings are fleeting and ever changing.
Let me tell you a story. My uncle, who is fairly close in age to me and was raised with me became involved with a woman who was into crack. He was obsessed with this woman and would do anything he could to gain her love and acceptance. Though he never engaged in drugs in his younger years, he suddenly got himself addicted to crack. IT WAS BAD. He lost his girlfriend, lost his job, became verbally and physically abusive, lost most of his family and it was as bad as it could be. He, too, managed to get his car repo'd. My mother (his sister) did everything she could to help him. Unfortunately, all her efforts were met with hatred. Suddenly, my mother was to blame for everything.
Well my uncle got some help and thankfully recovered. You know what? My mom and uncle became the best of friends. He became extremely protective of her and even went so far to knock out some guy who had hurt my mom (not that I condone that).
I merely point this out because when they do come out of these addictions, they are smart and they know who truly stood by them. There were others in the family who didn't condemn him but still kept their distance. He didn't run back to them. He ran back to my mom who stood for him, their relationship as brother and sister and his recovery.
Tank, you MUST do what is right and I am just so proud of you and everything that you have done because you continue to do what is right. I wish that I had just 50% of the strength that you have as I know this is so painful for you. Continue to lean on your family and your Church. Continue to talk here because it is safe and no one judges us or knows who we are. It makes it much easier to be completely truthful. Continue to rebuild your life as it is right now. And remember, THERE IS HOPE. There is hope for so much in your life and there is hope for your R.
Well sg, she didnt show up. She called instead. After a two hour conversation that was going no where it ended with her asking if she had to take me to court to see her children.
I told her that she was more than welcome to see the kids at the house or her friends place. She said she couldnt do that. She repeated her question and i asked her if she intended on bringing OM near our children.
After a 2 hour conversation where i told her things about the OM she didnt even know, where she defended him to me, where she swore he was a good guy.
She said "I will have to get back to you on that!"
WTF!!!!! after all that she says that to me. I just dont get it. I just dont understand what is going through her head.
I will say that for the first time in the last 9 months, i was able to keep calm. I didnt raise my voice or yell. I wasnt mean, even when she was saying hurtful things to me.
I stuck to the facts as my lawyer had identified to me and when she got really loud and cut me off i told her if she continued to do so the conversation would be over and I would hang up the phone.
I am at a loss, she admits that she made numerous mistakes over the last year including that she didnt come to me about the state of our marriage. She never complained once and she admitted that she screwed up, but as far as she is concerned, its in the past and its irrelevant now. She did what she did and she is with OM now and everyone has to deal with it.
So how do you know you made mistakes and not do anything to fix them?
I am starting to think she will never want to work on this marriage. I am starting to give up. I need to get off of this roller coaster before it gets any worse.
I contacted my lawyer today, told him what happened and I told him to push for a date to go before the judge. My marriage is over, i see that. I think it is time to move on.
