sounds as if you ARE getting results, but not at the speed which you'd like. (Join the club). She's still there, and she is possibly mourning the fact that she has conceded to OM that she cannot continue with him. That means she gets it, at some level. But there's lot of mind reading with you trying to interpret her moods. You are negatively interpreting even her good moods so what happens if she's irritable? Will that also be a bad sign? I'd take her actions and words at face value and if you verify that she means something else, via snooping, then you will at least know what is real. As for confronting her, that does risk a lot. You risk her knowing you are snooping and how you are doing it, which means she'll hide things more. And of course the risks Sandi mentions about rebelling to show you cannot control her, is another risk.
To me her job search is only slightly mixed news, b/c OM knows about it. But it IS a good thing on the whole! A really good thing. Whether she realizes it or not, the less time she's around or near him, the better for you. It may make the finality of the break, real to her. So I'm glad about that. Imagine the opposite for a minute, wherein she's applying for work that gives her MORE time with OM? That'd be bad, so don't go missing some positives.
Finally, If the changes you made in you, are real and positive, please keep them no matter what. Those changes are for you and your kids, as much as for her and the marriage. That's a huge thing. Sandi's post is very important to fully take in and process. I hope you will. Good luck!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for great insight and advice. It is tough recognizing the results when you want things to move so much faster than they are. I do need to stop trying to interpret all of her actions and comments etc. Not sure how many times I have already mentioned this on my Threads, but it is something that I really need to do.
I don't want to confront her again because she will be suspicous about where I am getting my information. She presently thinks that it is a co-worker who has a grudge against her. The snooping does help validate things and allows me to get a better sense of where she maybe at in terms of her relationship with the OM. Although he is divorced and not re-married, it appears that he is involved in a relationship. This would also explain why my wife hasn't made the jump to the OM as he has a relationship that he would have to break off.
I am optimistic about the job search because she is looking at positions outside of her current company which will help to break the bond with the OM.
I will stick with my plan, my self improvement process which will always be an on-going project and look for those positive signs that things are moving forward even though it maybe very slow going.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
punchy, I hear ya about trying to stop interpret actions and comments. Take them for what they are worth. I would assume that you are listening unbelievably closely to what she is saying and trying to glean any bit of positiveness out of it. When you don't hear it, it becomes negative.
That's a fight I have with myself daily. BE the new person and those thoughts will go away. Chances are, you're making more out of it anyway.
I feel that if you stay positive and optimistic, it will show in your personality - a trait she may find attractive again.
stay strong, Punchy!
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Thanks Bolt. I agree with what you are saying. If I try to find a positive outcome with everything she says I am just setting myself up for failure.
Today was a pretty positive day. Wife emailed me a few times at work and called me once as well. After dinner, we sat at the table and talked about her day. Later on she stayed up to wait for me and one of our kids to come home from a school event, something which recently she would never do.
Focusing on the positive stuff will help with keeping my outlook positive which like you say, should make me more attractive to her. Part of my problem, was that I was an angry and grumpy person, so I have to make sure that I don't regress.
Another day and we are still together in some form, so that is good news as well! As always, thanks for the input.
Thanks Bolt. I agree with what you are saying. If I try to find a positive outcome with everything she says I am just setting myself up for failure.
How? Being upbeat does not equate with expecting all things to do your way in your time frame. And you can contain the internal damage you might feel if you are disappointed.
But how can that be any worse than expecting to be hurt and then being hurt? PLUS, I really believe what you put out, you'll get a lot of back. So you may be creating the very thing you fear. Expecting to be hurt and fearing a positive attitude as if it somehow makes your life worse, is the opposite of what's likely and besides, you can handle it anyhow. Why worry instead, that you CAUSED it? Positives yield positives, mostly. If it's hopeless, at least you'll know you gave it your all and you didn't creat the negative energy.
Today was a pretty positive day. Wife emailed me a few times at work and called me once as well. After dinner, we sat at the table and talked about her day. Later on she stayed up to wait for me and one of our kids to come home from a school event, something which recently she would never do.
Focusing on the positive stuff will help with keeping my outlook positive which like you say, should make me more attractive to her. EXACTLY...
Part of my problem, was that I was an angry and grumpy person, so I have to make sure that I don't regress. WOW, Well that's a valuable insight you must not forget. Hasn't this solved your earlier dilemma about fearing the hope for good things? I mean, you know a negative attitude hurt your marriage. And YOU. So why is this still even an issue? Is the change a cosmetic one, or is it real? If it's real, then now is when it counts. Being upbeat, b/c you know you are going to live in a happy future and that you bring that positive energy to life's table, is a gift women value. IF THEY TRUST IT...In this one post you worry about how somehow you'll be more disappointed in outcome if you hope for good things and have an up beat attitude, and yet you admit a negative attitude is part of what got you here in the first place. Remember this. And just to be clear, I am not saying "Expect" something. I'm saying prepare for a happy life right around the corner, no matter what comes, b/c you know life is good, you are a loving and lovable person. Believe it, so that it shows. Another day and we are still together in some form, so that is good news as well! As always, thanks for the input.
Good luck.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
punchy, that is great! Take it one small step at a time though. Take it one DAY at a time. I made the mistake of pushing things too fast and almost regressed - which obviously would have been a big mistake.
I think I have to come to these boards daily because unfortunately, so many of us are in the same boat. At least we're teaching each other how to row.
Keep it up!
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Thanks Bolt. In what way did you push things too fast? For me its the wanting to have the R discussion. We haven't talked about our R since I confronted her about the OM about 6 weeks ago. Everyday I wrestle with wanting to bring up the discussion to find out where she is at with me and the OM.
Its a big struggle to hold back and not push on the R discussion. Instead of focusing on the R discussion I need to focus on keeping a positive frame of mind etc and not expect much in return until my wife sorts out exactly what it is she wants to do.
Hey Punchy, don't bring up R discussion, let her do it, simple.
If you are GAL'ing, happy, confident and creating a comfortable atmosphere for communication your W will talk when she is ready.
Timing? I agree each situation is different.
Back in 2001 when i first started DB'ing and averted WAW with probable EA or PA it took roughly 9 months for W to come to some sort of decision point where we were again intimate and what i thought was better off with our M. Fast forward 10 years and my W has asked for a separation....so timing, ya, who knows?
I'd say timing with your situation is just right. Don't lose your cool, be patient. You might be surprised how fast the switch goes on when it happens.
Having said that, don't ever ignore underlying problems in your R or think the good will just outmask the bad forever. I've learned that the hard way by probably not getting the right MC'ing way back when.
Punchy, Just wanted to say Hi, I'm new at this so take what I say it for what its worth, but I would avoid R talk for now and agree with everyone that it is best to wait for her to bring it up.
My W still works with om, she comes home every day on time and things seem to be settling down. She I believe is still in somewhat of a fog/confusion state.
I know the waiting is hard, if it makes u feel better I'm on week 20. Patience, Time, Patience, Time, be her friend......
