She may delete them if I ask bond. We have been piecing and not really talking R so I have not approached the topic. We are in MC. Have a session early next month. Should I wait until then to bring it up to her?
We really will need to discuss at some point. I'm wondering if I shoud wait until our M is more solid and she is at a point where she will want to delete them or won't care either way.
Trying not to backslide and bringing this up has the potential to cause a backslide...
Thoughts?
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Piecing and not talking about your R is sort of like two ostriches standing next to each other with their heads in the dirt.
Quote:
Trying not to backslide and bringing this up has the potential to cause a backslide...
Yes, that is why HOW you do this is important. Demanding and such not a very good idea.
You cannot be afraid to put things out there, to bring things up because she might leave. But you also have to realize when your wants/needs are reasonable, and not irrational.
When you can do that, then you have real boundaries. I.E. no pictures of him/them on the computer.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
When you said they were on your regular or home computer, are they mixed in with family/friends photos or are they in old emails? Was OM a friend of the family?
Jack is right, it's so important in "how" you approach her about the pictures. If you decide that you have to say something....then make it about your feelings in this particular instance, and let her know that you aren't accusing or anything, but that you need her to do it to help you feel assured.
Think it over carefully, and for goodness sake.....be calm if you say anything.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Okay, I'm confused. Let me try to assess a few things for clarity sake.
1. she had a secret email account with contained emails, pics. 2. she also had regular pics on the family computer. 3. You are piecing, but don't talk about the R or the OM. 4. You are in MC or are you starting MC next month.
If you just have monthly sessions that doesn't seem really effective.
My IC recommend the following approach when bringing up something. He likes the phrase 'I'm upset that (for some that might be too strong)"he also says that you need to reassure, as Sandi and Jack say. I would suggest that you acknowledge that you know how hard she's working on things.
It is a tricky situation for sure. I'd tread very carefully. Some people find the safety of the MC session a good time to bring up things. I know for us, my W and I brought up things in the MC that we never told eachother. They weren't bad just some thoughts we each had. Of course this depends on the counselor.
But since it is a long way off, you might no be able to wait.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Been in MC for a long time. But we really never put in effort. We each thought the other person was the problem.
The OM is just someone she met when she went out with a girlfriend to go to a shooting range. OM owned the guns and was taking them and teaching them.
Swrendipidy (sp)...
I will not bring up email or pics yet. I need to continue to piece and get W to a place of love again.
Sandi, did your H ask you at some point or did you voluntarily give up pics, delete emails, etc?
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
If you've been in MC for awhile and that issue hasn't been addressed, it sounds like you're both dancing around the issues rather than confronting them head on.
Usually the only way it works is if both parties acknowledge their parts in the M then come up with a concrete plan to fix those areas with total and open honesty. That's just my .02.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You are correct Bond. I'm just not sure we are at that point yet. We have been in MC for years. The A just happened a few months ago. And it ended very early November.
The last time we were in MC my wife stated she needed time and space and she was afraid she would not get those "in love" feelings back.
So I have been giving her that space and it has worked. I think feelings may be coming back or maybe she is faking it. Like I said, we are physical every day. Maybe she is forcing it in hopes it happens. Who knows...
My W is tired of MC. Been going 8 years with little progress. My W is a very good person but she really is rigid and not warm with her family. And not just to me but kids too. She is a different person in front of other people. From day 1 of MC all I asked from W was the following:
1. Lets laugh every day - She does not. 2. Let's ML and enjoy one another - ML was never an issue but she just can't relax and enjoy. 3. Always kiss good night/good morning - Cause she always woke up crabby. Resented me for always being in a good mood.
That's it. That's all I wanted. To this day I still don't know what she really wants.
She does not want a career but but at the same time doesn't want to stay home or does not seem happy staying home.
She wants to be able to support herself (independance) but does not want to work full time.
She wants a college degree but does not want to go to school.
I have ALWAYS said the following; "Follow what ever dream you have. Stay home and raise the kids, go to college and be what you desire, all I want is your happiness." I have ALWAYS supported anything she wanted to do.
She's 39 and still has no dreams. I will be honest. I lost respect for her. Mostly because she has no dreams or goals and no direction or solutions. I really just want happiness. That's the goal.
I'm not sure I will ever find happiness with her because I truly don't believe she is happy. Yes she is in IC and has been on meds for years... But she is the mother of my children...
I have a question that scares me but I'm putting it out there for the DB community. Please answer honestly...
I sometimes wonder if I want to get back together with W because of ego. Not wanting to lose to OM. Don't get me wrong, I do love her. But I find it odd that I wanted out for YEARS and all of a sudden, I'm faced with OM and I magically can't live without W? I am trying to reconcile that in my mind... I know I don't want to hurt my children. Do any of you out there feel the same or have the same questions in your minds?
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
If you've been in MC for 8 years it's time to 'DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT". Seriously. Have you looked at alternatives to MC? Seems like your W has an emotional void that she's trying to fill externally because she feels she can't get it from you for some reason. That's why she had the A.
Does she go to IC?
Only you know the reason why you stay around. It could be fear, love, faith, pride, or a little of everything. The point is that the reason doesn't matter. What matters is if you decide to stay around, then you do your best to keep trying. At least you could say you honestly tried.
I think we all think that from time to time.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
