Detachment issues

[AntoniaB]

Oh thank goodness you guys all "get" what I'm talking about. I think you hit it on the head Eric when you said it doesn't feel real because I am finding happiness alone--because of course my whole world view conceived of from when I was a kid to 19 years old was "I need a husband to feel complete", and then from 19 to 41, it was "I need H to be happy."

Hope for zen, you asked if this was around awhile or coming and going, and I do think it's been around for awhile but it was something that happened last night that really brought it to the forefront for me. I went to eat in a restaurant by myself. I've done this a few times already, so this wasn't new. I ordered a drink, I had my martini and started to eat. I was ENTIRELY comfortable alone. I felt like other people were looking at me with pity (including the waitress) but I really felt ok about being alone. I wasn't rushed. I didn't have to make conversation or anything. I just enjoyed my food and drink.

But after I sat there awhile, a couple and a younger man sat in the booth next to me. I could overhear their conversation and they were talking about cooking a lot. Well, I love to cook. I started to think that I should start a conversation. And then I felt like if I did NOT start a conversation with random people, I'd actually regret it. I was always petrified to do such a thing. I didn't know where this was coming from. I thought hey, the younger guy isn't bad looking. No ring. He likes to cook. But maybe I could make new friends with people with a common interest.

So without really any fear at all, I just asked them if the pizza they were all trying was good because I had been about to order that type but changed my mind. They said "so so" and I said "I heard you talking about cooking; I'm on facebook in a cooking group." And the younger guy and I exchanged a few words and he said "you can email me, maybe I'll join" and he gave me his email address. When they left they waved and told me to have a good night.

On my way home, I thought, you know, that guy was way young. Don't get your hopes up. And I felt such a profound sense of loss when I walked into my dark house alone for the 210th or so day. Then I found him on fb and realized, I rolled up on a 21 year old guy. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry ;-) I didnt' think the dude was THAT young. I did email him the cooking group info anyway. I figured hey, maybe I get a friend, maybe I don't.

But all that made me feel in retrospect like an alien to myself because the old Antonia never in a million years would have done any of the stuff I did. And I did look in the mirror last night, and you know, I recently went back to my "original" hair color. I am literally looking at myself the way I looked YEARS before I ever met H. Part of this was to save money on my hair expenses, but part of it was because I just wanted to see "who" I was under all the years of alterations.

So I'm guessing, Eric, that you're right, that the reason I feel outside my own life or like my life isn't real is that it bears little resemblance to what it used to be like, and the comfort of the old me, even if it was destroying me and/or the marriage, is seductive, while the new improved me scares the crap out of me. Couple that with the suddenness of the trauma and change, and you have a recipe for detachment from your "self."

[cat04]

Antonia,

Eric and the others are all right.

As LBS, we go through our own sort of crisis.

At first, it really is simply shock. After a while, hopefully not too long, we begin to move, to live, because we have no choice. It really is a going through the motions of sorts.

When that happens, it does feel like you are simply on the outside looking in. Because the living, doesn't really go with the feelings that we are having inside.

And then, something begins to shift a little. The living, becomes more real. We find ourselves doing things, thinking things, saying things, that feel God awful strange. But they also feel good. And real. It is usually noticed when we do something that is really out of the ordinary for the old us. Which brings about internal questioning and awarness of the situation in a bit of a different way.

Where you are, is normal and natural.

It took me well over a year to get there. I was living, but I didn't feel like I was living. I was still waiting for someone else to join me in my life. Then, one day, I was listening to the radio and singing and my son made some comment that made me aware of it. Wow, I felt good. Surprise. After that, it was one step after another. Like learning to walk again.

Don't let fear of living your life, keep you stuck in the limbo. I understand that it is scary. But it is a good scary IMO. I have watched many people become stuck, because they are afraid of what the next step is after this. No one really knows for sure. You will still have good and bad days.

The other stuff you are looking for, acceptance, forgivness, detatchment, they all come with living, and living comes with finding those things as well.

[Lorie1964]

Antonia,

I feel the exact way! Knowing how long you have been at this, allows me to see that I have a long way to get through this feeling. Part of mine is that I lost my job one week post bomb and it was a big blow. I may have this feeling much longer.

I am, however, proud that you stepped out of your comfort zone to speak with others in the restaurant. That is living your real life. So give yourself credit for that little victory.

[AntoniaB]

Thanks Eric, Cat, and Lori. The thing with the restaurant that threw me into this tailspin is that I felt like if I didn't speak to total strangers I'd be angry at myself later. (old me never made eye contact with any strangers anywhere). Why? I didn't get it. I felt an overwhelming NEED to do it. And zero nervousness when I did it. I just kept thinking "who IS this person I've become? I don't recognize her at all." And everyone who looked at me, like the waitress who cleared off the other table setting, and every couple or family (I was the only one alone in the restaurant), well, I just felt defiant, like, "Hey! I can sit here and savor this drink and my dinner and take my time and I don't have to talk at all if I don't want to, and if I want to (as I did) I will. But there is NOTHING WRONG with being single." And I was just so freaked out by this that I felt like I didn't know myself anymore. So it's really all about fear, yes, fear that I can't be an entirely different person and be ok with it.

[Mila]

Antonia, I'm reading your post about the restaurant incident with interest...it reminds me of the changes in myself that I'm experiencing. It seems to me like if I was living in a cocoon while I was married...same as you, never started conversations with strangers, didn't do any fun things on my own only with H or D...what has happened has made me realize that I didn't know how to be an individual anymore...I was always attached to H or D...or our married friends...didn't even have any really close GF of my own...H was my best friend.

In the last year I have certainly learned how to go outside my comfort zone, make new friends, go to a movie on my own, or to a restaurant and try new activities...and talk to strangers and talk to single men ....this is the benefit of what has happened in our marriages...it's so good for us to rediscover who we really are...

[irishblessings]

Antonia - I echo what everyone else here says - it is traumatic. Go easy on yourself!

[beatrice]

I am so impressed!! your courage and insight are amazing. What a jerk your husband is, and how much you are growing without him. I think he did you a favour in a weird way.

[punkin]

Antonia,

Something Mila said about our 'comfort zone' clicked a saying in my head. "The greatest inhibitor to our personal growth as individuals is the fear of leaving our comfort zone" or words to that effect. I believe that is true for so many of us. You stepped out of your zone in the restaurant, and the sky didn't fall on your head, did it.

Keep on your sunny side Antonia, you never know when you'll say hello to your next best friend, or even better.

[punkin]

Antonia,

Something Mila said about our 'comfort zone' clicked a saying in my head. "The greatest inhibitor to our personal growth as individuals is the fear of leaving our comfort zone" or words to that effect. I believe that is true for so many of us. You stepped out of your zone in the restaurant, and the sky didn't fall on your head, did it.

Keep on your sunny side Antonia, you never know when you'll say hello to your next best friend, or even better.

[AntoniaB]

Ha ha punkin, no the sky didn't fall! I feel better about this today and less detached from my "self." I started reading a book Eric suggested called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing and it's really helping a lot.

One thing I'm noticing is that as I come to a crisis for me or an insight, if I work hard at trying to put it down into words, once the words make sense or you guys help me make sense of them, like happened yesterday, I feel something start to lift and feel more "normal." Well, a new normal I guess.