H's MLC - finding compassion and forgiveness

[Mila]

Thank you Eric...you made me think about some of my behavior...I still make excuses for him, I still care about what he thinks, I still try not to upset him, I still try to please him...I still love him....what's wrong with me????

BTW - RE: Car & Cake...jump on a plane, bring your GF and we can all drive around in my car, while eating the cake

OK now to today...had a client meeting with H....all went well, we had a relaxed drive downtown chatting away and a good meeting with client...no tension, friendly...just like old times...of course the client is still under the impression that we are a couple, stopped at an office of another long term client....also thinks that we are still a couple...even invited us to dinner at his house with his wife...H didn't say anything either...

Well on the drive back H said..."I'm assuming that it's OK for my sister to stay with you when she comes next month"....I told him that I don't know, that I have very mixed feelings about it...they didn't contact me for more then a year, not even to ask me how I'm doing, yet they welcomed him and OW into their house...and they didn't seemed to care about me or my feelings...that really hurt....And now that they want to come I get a call from them...told him that I feel used. He said that they care about me, but it's hard for them too, he said they should have called me, he doesn't know why they didn't. I told him that he put them into this impossible position, bringing OW there and then they felt bad contacting me...

I said that I felt that they are my family also, but I didn't feel that in the past year and it hurt...he said "If you don't let them stay, you are severing that relationship, you are punishing them for letting me (and OW) stay there...This is my house too, you realize". I said technically it is, but you don't live there anymore, you can't tell me who to invite over...He replied "Fine if you don't want them to stay, I'll make different arrangement"...he was already angry and acted like I'm being really unreasonable.

I said "First of all I didn't say NO, I'm just letting you know how I feel about the whole thing...and how do you imagine it's going to work?...they will sleep there and in the morning go to your place? or do you expect to spend time with them at my place, or maybe bring OW to my house as well...one big family...He ignored the reference to OW, but said that he expects to spend time at my house with them.

I lost it and said things that I shouldn't have. Told him that he wants to have the best of both worlds, that I feel used, that he wants to have his cake and eat it too...after how he betrayed me, lied to me for months...to his best friend and wife...he had absolutely no regard for my feelings and that he wouldn't treat even his worst enemies the way he treats me...

yup I lost it....made him feel guilty again...bad Mila

Of course he got angry and defensive...and we had a heated exchange on some of the "points" that I threw at him...

But at some point he said....You will never forgive me....there is no going back...you would obviously never forgive me.....how can this ever change in the future...you would never forgive me...

I said "I forgave you already once...remember the first affair?" H replied "Obviously not...you keep bringing it up"
..."It only came up again because you did it again"....It would be possible to forgive with both of us working on it....

We stopped talking and drove in silence as we were calming down...then I apologized...I said that I didn't mean to get into R type of discussion....but the issue of his sister brought up some emotions and some anger that I still have...

Also said let's talk about your sister's visit when we both calm down....

H was quiet, didn't reply...his cell rang...it was D - he rejected the call and said I can't talk to her right now....without a word left the car and didn't even say bye...I glanced at his face...he was barely holding his emotions in check...not sure if it was anger or trying really hard not to cry......couldn't read him...probably both

Well I haven't done this for a long time...I mean say things that would make him feel guilty....

Curiously I wasn't as upset with my self and with the discussion as I would have been just a few months ago...I kind of feel...OK Needed to set some boundaries...he needed to hear how I feel about his sister's situation (OK threw in a little extra...my bad)...I know it will make no difference...probably just got him angry with me.

What I found really revealing is his statements about "forgiving"...what he said and how he said it made it so obvious to me that he has been thinking about the possibility of coming back...

After he made those statements I had this urge to just say to him "Enough already, lets stop all of this nonsense and come home"...just a fleeing urge