Detachment issues

[AntoniaB]

Oh thank goodness you guys all "get" what I'm talking about. I think you hit it on the head Eric when you said it doesn't feel real because I am finding happiness alone--because of course my whole world view conceived of from when I was a kid to 19 years old was "I need a husband to feel complete", and then from 19 to 41, it was "I need H to be happy."

Hope for zen, you asked if this was around awhile or coming and going, and I do think it's been around for awhile but it was something that happened last night that really brought it to the forefront for me. I went to eat in a restaurant by myself. I've done this a few times already, so this wasn't new. I ordered a drink, I had my martini and started to eat. I was ENTIRELY comfortable alone. I felt like other people were looking at me with pity (including the waitress) but I really felt ok about being alone. I wasn't rushed. I didn't have to make conversation or anything. I just enjoyed my food and drink.

But after I sat there awhile, a couple and a younger man sat in the booth next to me. I could overhear their conversation and they were talking about cooking a lot. Well, I love to cook. I started to think that I should start a conversation. And then I felt like if I did NOT start a conversation with random people, I'd actually regret it. I was always petrified to do such a thing. I didn't know where this was coming from. I thought hey, the younger guy isn't bad looking. No ring. He likes to cook. But maybe I could make new friends with people with a common interest.

So without really any fear at all, I just asked them if the pizza they were all trying was good because I had been about to order that type but changed my mind. They said "so so" and I said "I heard you talking about cooking; I'm on facebook in a cooking group." And the younger guy and I exchanged a few words and he said "you can email me, maybe I'll join" and he gave me his email address. When they left they waved and told me to have a good night.

On my way home, I thought, you know, that guy was way young. Don't get your hopes up. And I felt such a profound sense of loss when I walked into my dark house alone for the 210th or so day. Then I found him on fb and realized, I rolled up on a 21 year old guy. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry ;-) I didnt' think the dude was THAT young. I did email him the cooking group info anyway. I figured hey, maybe I get a friend, maybe I don't.

But all that made me feel in retrospect like an alien to myself because the old Antonia never in a million years would have done any of the stuff I did. And I did look in the mirror last night, and you know, I recently went back to my "original" hair color. I am literally looking at myself the way I looked YEARS before I ever met H. Part of this was to save money on my hair expenses, but part of it was because I just wanted to see "who" I was under all the years of alterations.

So I'm guessing, Eric, that you're right, that the reason I feel outside my own life or like my life isn't real is that it bears little resemblance to what it used to be like, and the comfort of the old me, even if it was destroying me and/or the marriage, is seductive, while the new improved me scares the crap out of me. Couple that with the suddenness of the trauma and change, and you have a recipe for detachment from your "self."