A slow turn

[Bolt]

First, I can't tell everyone how glad I am to have found this. Not only the site, but the books as well. It's really been the savior so far of not only my marriage but my life.

The story goes...Been married for over 15 years and dated about 3 before. Met in college after "having my fun". Found the right girl with the right values and couldn't let her go.

Moved from town to town because of my job in entertainment. Had 2 kids and thought life was pretty good.

We went through counseling after the first child - right around the 7 year "itch". The C was ok but we (read I) weren't getting too much from it. Things got pretty good and the status quo was fine.

Kid 2 came along and PPD kicked in big time. We dealt with that through medication and a job change for W. She works in the health profession so she's been able to move wherever my career has taken us.

The last move was 4 years ago to the west coast. We moved from our house that we owned to a rental. W wasn't happy with the not only the move but the house. We then moved into a relatively expensive house (hey, it's southern california) that we could easily pay.

Then things went really south. W started working the night shift at the hospital. I got very lonely and felt depraved. I only saw her maybe 2 nights a week - maybe. My "needs" weren't being met.

I got a new assistant at work who, unfortunately, was attentive, outgoing and very attractive. I have a very outgoing personality but tend to forget I'm the boss. I like to have fun with everyone, not realizing what that shows to everyone.

A small relationship started (platonic - no sex - not even close) but there was an emotional connection. When things started to head in a more serious direction, I had to stop things short. I was(am) faithful and no intentions of taking things further. The OW wanted to and took the "rejection" bad. I was brought into HR under sexual harassment charges and soon let go. I had no leg to stand on. Nothing happened but it was the perception from not only the OW but other coworkers that something inappropriate was going on.

I was the leader at work and I had failed everyone.

This didn't go over well at home either. My wife was appraised of everything throughout my time of "needing." I told her how I felt and that there was nothing going on. I was surprised at just how understanding I thought she was.

After being let go, I realized that she was just keeping a front. She was really hurting inside and I had no idea.

We almost separated because of that but sought C that worked really well. I had been going to a C who helped me quite a bit through the time up until my being let go.

We salvaged things and seemed to be on the right track.

A year went by and by other's terms, I'm still considered unemployed. My career is on a different path and my "kind" of jobs are hard to come by. I've been working on taking a step back career wise and until recently, that has been nearly impossible.

Finally, about a month ago, the Bomb was dropped. My W was interested in going back to a class reunion but didn't tell me of her desire to go. She ended up not going but then resenting me for it. After Thanksgiving, she told me she wanted to go home to see family. I could see the hurt in her eyes and decided that we should go, no matter the financial cost.

Two days before the kids and I were to leave for the holidays, W told me that she wanted a divorce and that she didn't love me anymore. Needless to say, I was devastated. I thought things were going so well? How could this have happened? She told me it's been going on for far too long and that she was numb. She just wanted it to end.

Desperate, I looked everywhere for help. I found Michele's vblog about the WAW. It was my W to a tee. Now what should I do?

I bought DB and DR and started to read them immediately. W was at work so I decided to put the first step into practice. I didn't mention anything about what happened the day before. I didn't say I love you. Nothing like that. Things slowly got better!

The day before, W said for me to sleep downstairs. The next day, simply because I didn't pursue or even bring up the previous conversation, she said it was ok for me to sleep in the same bed.

The next week during the holidays did wonders. Since she had to work xmas eve, the kids and I were in a different state for a few days. The distance did wonders. We talked and got closer - I never brought up the last "fight" unless she did. Things were looking up.

She joined us for xmas and things were much better. Still no sex but there was cuddling. I felt things getting better.

Then we had a major setback. She thought that I was resorting to my "old self" and that I would never change. I'm human and had a minor slip up. This was not who I was anymore but she didn't see it. It was over.

But I stayed the course.

I did pursue but in a way that she always wanted. I was respectful and kind. I was extremely selfless but didn't lose myself either. I still felt with all my effort that things were getting better but still not exactly part of the plan.

I needed patience for sure. It's hard when the girl of your dreams who you thought you were of hers, tells you she isn't sure how she feels.

Then I sprang into DB action. I stopped the pursuit. I was appreciative and very respectful but didn't beg or plead. She needed to find out on her terms not mine. I just had to wait.

(sorry for being long winded) Things are looking up now. Being SBT has worked immensely. I don't see the negative or overthink things anymore (mostly). I take the good and hold on to that. I can see a big change especially recently.

I really look forward to the future and want things to be even better. I feel that through this and my faith in God, this will happen.

mike