Detachment issues

[ericmsant2]

Antonia,

I have so much to say here but I’ll try to keep it short.

I feel like I'm not living my life

Before I give you my opinion I want you to think for a second about this quote up there.

What is YOUR life Antonia? What is it that YOU want in YOUR life? What and how do you see your life going? Are you not in control of it? IMO, write down what you want your life to be like. Write down everything..what you want to do for work, what kind of car you want to drive, do you want children, do you want a partner, if so, what traits must he or she have. Really write down everything that YOU want. Then begin to start living it.

Here is what I see in your post and FTR something that I am dealing with right now.

Let me start with these three words…

FEAR

TRUST

ACCEPTANCE

Ya know the best way for me to make my point to YOU Antonia is to use myself as an example. Here goes..

So I started this process of standing, of trying to save my M. What I did not realize initially was just how f*cked up I was, that is not to relieve my W of her issues or her crisis. No – it is just an acknowledgement of the issues that I brought into the M. It is my ownership of my role in this demise of my M. So, when I started to stand I did not see how codependent, insecure, afraid I was. Not to mention controlling and manipulative, which are behaviors spawned from the huge fear of abandonment. After many, many months and God knows how many 2x4’s I begin to realize the “work” that I needed to do in me. Before I go on Antonia, I want to tell you that to this day I still, struggle with the fear of abandonment and as a result some of the controlling behaviors. So my advice is to ACCEPT that any changes you/we must make will take TIME and are not easy.

What is real to me?

Sounds to me that you too are struggling with “feeling comfortable” with your changes. For me, I still struggle with it. Who am I, what am I, why do I feel so weird? What is it about me that just “feels” different? What I think I have come to understand is that we are just beginning to accept and feel the changes in ourselves that we have worked so hard to make.

For me, I still struggle with TRUSTING these changes. TRUSTING myself. Am I being fake? Am I for real? Is this all a bunch of bullchit? Have I been brainwashed by a bunch of people spread out across the country?

So what do I do with all of these feelings? I feel them, I talk to my closest friends (you guys know who you are). I look in the mirror and promise myself to be real with me. I am facing the FEAR of change. I and learning to TRUST my feelings and TRUST my ability to change and become all that I want to be. I am also ACCEPTING of my life. I accept that I will and at this point WANT to be divorced. I accept that I choose to be with someone else. I trust that I will make mistake and that I will learn from them. I ACCEPT that no one can tell me how to live my life. I face the FEAR of abandonment. I face the fear that constantly questions myself, my motive. Why do I not stand and fight for what I believe in? answer: FEAR. Why have I not accepted what is? Answer: FEAR.

Antonia, I am scheduled to go to court on Friday 1/14. I have not heard back from my attny, I have no idea of what to expect, none – not one fu*king clue. Guess what? Like it or NOT I am facing that FEAR. Like it or not I will TRUST that what will be, will be. I have accepted that I have chosen to live a certain way. My choice. I am not starting to feel more comfortable with my choices. Are they right? Who the f*ck knows. What I know is that they are my choices. What I will do is trust myself to make the right choice. Trust that NOT everything is in my control. Trust that all of this, live, love, everything….just is. Things will happen when, where and with whom when they are supposed to happen.

So my simple advice is LET GO….of everything in your life that you knew. Trust yourself, trust your intuition. Do not be afraid of change. It is natural and normal. Painful? Yes.

I need to work on detachment more than acceptance/forgiveness.

NOT just from YOUR H but from everything that holds you back from YOUR happiness!

I have learned how to do everything I need to survive as far as do my job, care for my house and pets, be a good friend and daughter and sister, do my research, read, have fun, laugh, and even get along with my STBXH at a distance. But I also feel like none of that is "real."

IMO, this is a change for you. You are amazed that you are finding happiness and yet it does not feel real. Well it is Antonia! It is if you chose to make it real. All ya need to do is TRUST in YOURSELF.

What is real to me? The pain and hurt and anguish and the feeling of limbo. Not limbo that he's still "making his decision." He's not. MY limbo. Limbo that my life is a nightmare. It's a nightmare from which I cannot wake no matter how hard I try.

Antonia, I held on so long for so many things. The house, the kids, my w, the old M, the old R, life as I knew it. Letting go was very scary, extremely. More than I care to admit and FTR I think I am still struggling with letting go. The nightmare you talk about IMO, is not a nightmare. It is an internal fight that you are having. YOU are struggling with letting go. You are worry and scared to trust yourself. Insecurities may be screaming. Face the f*ckers Antonia.

Did you ever get fixated on something before and it took over your thoughts almost 24-7? I'm sure you have. You had an appointment you dreaded, or you were worried about your kid, or you were bothered about the way some event turned out. You fixated on it.

IMO, anyone on these boards should raise there hand and say that was me. So why do we fixate on what we cannot control? Hmmm….ask yourself this question. For me, it was fear of abandonment. Fear of acceptance. So to avoid the fear you want to control chit. Let it go Antonia…let it all go.

It doesnt' matter how much I do or get involved in or distract myself. It won't go away. It feels like I'm losing my grip on reality because this seems more real to me than everything else. And as a result, I feel like I'm not living my life. I feel like I'm in a nightmare I cannot wake from no matter how hard I try.

Change Antonia is HARD! Very HARD! In some way our STBX’s are right in their thought that we could not change. They were right in terms of the length of time it takes (at least that is my opinon). True change take time and trust in oneself.

I feel entirely detached from reality/myself.

Do me a favor….go stare in the mirror at yourself. Look at yourself closely. Accept Antonia, that you are changing. Accept that you are becoming a different person. Accept that deep down in YOUR core you are kind, gentle, sweet compassionate, loving, and a bunch of other good qualities. Accept that you are worthy of love and respect REGARDLESS of your previous mistakes. You are worthy of all of this EVEN IF you get divorced. Once you accept it Antonia….trust yourself.

In closing I leave you with this….

1) Hopefully I did not confuse the chit out of you
2) Love yourself
3) Don’t be afaid to be happy
4) Don’t be afraid to still love your H
5) Don’t be afraid to live your life anyway you want to
6) Accept that live is WHAT YOU MAKE it.
7) When you face your fears….you empower yourself.
8) Write down WHO you want to be and then make every decision in your life to move you in that direction. Fuc* what anyone tells you….just believe yourself.

And….know this….if you do not believe in yourself or no one else believes in you….then I will!

God Bless,
Eric