Scared and Alone

[lostinscared]

I'll tell you right this second, I don't feel strong at all. I'm in a new city where I barely know anyone, about 1000 miles away from my family, in a place that no one would really care if I dropped off the face of the earth, dealing with a husband who probably would cheer if I dropped off the face of the earth.

I follow the rules now (as tough as it is). Had another "interaction" where he reminded in his own way just how little he thinks of me and our marriage and I went to the bathroom and cried so he wouldn't see me.

I'm not sure I know what is harder, keeping my stupid mouth shut or trying to see light when everything seems so hopeless and dark. Gotta keep on keeping on, right? There are just days where I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I'm having one of those days today.

As far as time between postings, I understand. It took days for my posts to post at the beginning and just kind of gave up for a little while.

[sandi2]

I think the board has undergone some revamping and sometimes new posts are a bit slow, but hopefully that will be fixed soon.

The people here are a "caring" community and we don't want you to think nobody cares if you live or die. I know if I was in a city you have described that I would be scared, too. Have you made any friends since you've been there?

Does your family know what is going on in your M?

[lostinscared]

Oh, I don't blame the board or the mods for the slow posts. Quite the opposite, even if I wasn't posting, the people here have kept me sane and stopped me from engaging in any more of my stupid behavior. This is a great community!!!

I have made some friends. But its tough in new friendships as you are not particularly close yet and the last thing you want to do is overwhelm a new friendship with these types of problems. Nobody wants to be around people who are depressed especially at the beginning.

My family does know what is going on. That's a bit of a double edged sword. They are INCREDIBLY supportive, that isn't the issue, but they are also incredibly worried because they've never been so far away from me. Therefore, I really have to be careful because the last thing I want is for them to worry too much.

A couple of H's friends know what is going on as well. They are helping him with the re-write of our history which is hard to take. He's also engaged in an EA with a woman at work (I also work at the same company) who I've never gotten along with. This is further inflaming the issues. While I try my best to ignore all of it, it is tough and it is hurtful. She helps him along with demonizing me. I'm very lucky because I get along with most people here and well, they don't like this other woman very much. But that hasn't stopped H from listening to her.

It was getting hard to get away from all of it. But I joined a gym, hired a personal trainer, go out a bit more, am able to escape in the house to other rooms. None of it seems to get better though. Not the M nor my despair. I know this means that I am not successful detaching. Though I am going through the motions, I have not yet managed to master it.

[lostinscared]

So, last night he said he wanted a divorce and that he would be contacting a lawyer today. He said he has lost all hope for us. Not sure what else to do. My hope is fading quickly.

[sandi2]

Nobody wants to be around people who are depressed especially at the beginning.

Truer words were never spoken. Even our S's get tired of being around us when that is all they see.

[canadianMrs.]

I'm not that much help, but your story sounds like mine, I got the bomb 2 months ago too...the moving, they loving the new job, feeling abandoned/depressed (I didn't work, I'm a stay at home mom but also dealth with 2 deaths of close family right after the move) I'm mad too, that the first time I hear he is unhappy he jumps to the D word.
I'm glad SDFoundGirl replied, I have found I related to her story as well, and lot of great advice in her posts to others. I am doing the telephone coaching and that has been helped, especially on the days when I want to give up. H even did one session. He wasn't sure if it helped, but I saw a change in him right away. Not much more effort into the R, but he stopped being so negative and avoiding me. Another thing I have done, is gone to the tips from Wise DB's, read through that and cut and pasted a few things that I thought would help me stay on track.I printed off a paper that I keep in my DR book. I read through it for a quick pick me up. Kind of like my own "cliff notes" I'll keep my eye out for your posts. Hopefully I can be of more help in the future. This week was a hard one for me; questioning what I was doing and feeling discouraged that I hadn't seen much change. Funny though, just when I shed a few tears last night (in private), H did 2 things right after that surprised me and gave me some hope, even if small. Hang in there, and you've come to a great place for support and advice!

[canadianMrs.]

I thought I should add one more thing. (First I have to laugh at Sad_but_happy's line about thinking our H's would be creeps if we were to meet them now. How true!! That describes it perfectly.
Another thing I have been doing, and maybe this is beyond DB'ing is I have been researching what I would need to do if the M doesn't work. That is not what I want, but it did give me comfort to have a plan either way. Part of my anxiety before was not knowing what I would do without H. So while I want to stay M, I feel like with my GAL and and my plan "just in case" I've got more confidence. Obviously H doesn't know about this plan. I even have a place to live on hold (My sister was going to sell her house but is renting it instead, in case I want to buy it in the future) It also made me realize that in reality, H has more to lose that I do; hopefully he realizes that!

[lostinscared]

Honestly, SBH's line cracked me up too. Still does.

I first want to thank you for stopping by and talking to me. It means a lot and I am always amazed by the care and concern of this community. I wish that there were a place we could all get together.

Thanks for the awesome advice. It is amazing some of the things we all do. I have copied and pasted words of wisdom from this site and from one other that I find very comforting. I'm up to almost 30 pages! I saw someone else on the site doing the same thing.

The pain is unbearable sometimes, you know? GAL right now is almost excrutiating. I have no choice in the matter and it is the healthiest thing for me to do, but it is painful.

This D is also going to set off financial ruin for us as we had to relocate and currently own 2 houses (1 under water and the other with almost no equity). I am scared to death about that. Plus we work for the same company and I am scared about what will happen there. Basically, this whole situation is threatening a lot of different areas of my life (I seem to be in good company here). So its so hard for me to get past that right now especially since I am prone to anxiety issues.

You want to come here and have someone give you the magic bullet, you know? It doesn't exist and the sooner I stop trying to control it all, the better off that I am going to be. I get that. It is a matter of getting from knowing to doing.

Anyway, thanks so much for stopping by.

[lostinscared]

Somedays the pain is just bad. It comes out of no where. You're sitting minding your own business and next thing you know, you're heart feels like its being squeezed and you burst into tears.

[Denver_2010]

Somedays the pain is just bad. It comes out of no where. You're sitting minding your own business and next thing you know, you're heart feels like its being squeezed and you burst into tears.

Wow... How I can relate to that.