Am I piecing? Just can't tell 2...

[Harrier]

Alright Sandy, expert opinion needed.

Okay, like I said my wife didn't go to the meeting. However, I had a funny feeling or I was feeling insecure in the relationship today. So I checked the phone records. She knows I have access to the cell phone records, so it's no secret.

I saw that she had called the OM's office today and talked for like 15 min. First I was really upset, then I tried to figure out what it could be. I came to the conclusion that she may have been part of a conference call re. the meeting. Yet, I wasn't through working through it when my wife came home.

She saw I was upset and asked me. She knew all along what it was. (It turned out to be a conference call) So I told her. She gets this disappointed look on her face and says "this is how it's going to be for the rest of our lives isn't it?" What can I say to that?

In her eyes I "checked" up on her and when I found something I immediately got upset. I know I shouldn't be checking up on her, but from my perspective it's only been a month since she cut off contact with this guy. I'm not trying to justify my actions, I mean I have to build the trust some way. Also, I didn't react how I reacted in the past. I didn't get angry or throw wild accusations at her.

It was a fairly calm discussion - I wasn't mad, she wasn't mad (she did have that disappointed look on her face). She just feels that this kind of stuff sets us back, I feel that it's stuff that we have to work through. I mean I've come a long ways with the "snooping." Of course there is no way to prove that to her. She doesn't know that I don't check her computer or emails etc.

Of course she ended up going to be early but she did stay up all night with our sick son. Before she went to bed she said, "Can we just table this discussion or pretend it never happened."

So what's your take on this? Was I wrong to "check" up on her? Should she have told me before hand or after she called his office?

The worst part is that we had a great weekend as a family and as H&W.


Man this piecing is tough.

[MrBond]

You don't have anything to prove to her. She has to prove it to you. See my post in your other thread.

[sandi2]

I agree with Bond. I'll get with you on your thread, okay?

[Sad_but_happy]

Been trying to write less and read more. Just sooo hard to continue this even though we STILL go to bed together, kisses hello and goodbye have moved from cheek to lips, we are still talking about future, etc...

Here's my NEW hang up that has not been resolved. While trying to give W space I did not talk of R or bring up OM as DB states. In fact I am afraid to bring up OM cause if I don't bring it up to W it feels like he me not be in her thoughts even though I know she must still think about him.

Sooooo now that I'm piecing I have the following delima. While she was with OM she had a secret email address that I confronted her on. I see NO evidence that she has accessed it in the past 70-80 days. Not on her phone or on the computer. Nothing at all. But I want him erased from our/her lives. Is it appropriate at this point to ask her to delete all emails, pics, notes from OM and get rid of the secret email account? It's not really secret cause she knows I know but is it to early to ask her to get rid of it even if she has not accessed it?

If I can't delete the account I want her to delete everything from the in box, then delete everything in the deleted folder and then let me change the password so it can never be accessed again. I will discuss so I'm not TELLING her to do it but letting her kow it's something I need to move forward.

Any thoughts?

[lostinscared]

I'm no expert, believe me. But if I were you, I would leave the e-mail conversation alone. I think it is a little too early for that.

I wish you the best of luck and I think you are doing a great job!! Just continue to work the steps.

[sandi2]

What you really want her to do is to get OM completely out of her mind. That is the truth, isn't it? But since you have no control over what she thinks, then you will do the next thing you believe you can control.....any lingering memories hanging around.....like on the computer.

If she's not accessing the secret account then why put pressure on her like that? I understand that just the thought of his picture and emails somewhere on that computer is driving you mad. But, you are going to keep on pushing until you are going to push her right out the door. Is that what you want to do?

I'm not going to tell you she never thinks of him. In fact, every time you act like a jerk it could cause her to wonder what things might have been with OM. But, you don't control her mind and you've got to turn lose of that or you....YOU will end up breaking this M apart.

As I've told you before, there are some things that you MUST let her work through without interference from you. Nobody wishes things could be automatically shut off as much as the WAW who has been in an EA. It would be soooo much easier for her to just jump right back into the MR and pick up where she left off.

You are right, it is HARD! If it was not worth much, then it would not require much work. But I wonder if you realize that it is hard for her, too?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

SBH,

If you both are piecing, then she is working hard to assuage your fears just as you are trying not to let your fears control you.

It's rebuilding trust. Which is a long and difficult process.

That account with all the emails and pictures? Might not mean anything to her anymore, might even have forgotten about it, but since it is still there is a stumbling block for you; a reminder.

Asking her to get rid of it is not a bad idea, for you. Since it bothers you.

How you do that is important. Letting her know that its a problem for you that it affects you and you don't want it to but it does.

How she reacts is just as important.

You are either going to accept that it is there and she doesn't use it, or if you are unable to do that, you are going to have to talk to her about it. The third option, getting rid of the stuff yourself, I do not recommend. It doesn't show piecing or working together, it shows you imposing your will and desire.

If she does it, willingly? I belive Sandi would agree that is a very good sign toward piecing.

[Harrier]

I agree with Sandi.

You can get rid of all the accounts, emails, photos, etc. But I have some truth. The OM cannot be erased from BOTH of your lives. You can only deal with how you approach the OM.

I really think the best thing to do is to give her reasons NOT to think of him in your daily life. I know I'm terrible at taking my own advice but I believe this.

Are you guys in MC? or are you doing this on your own?

I do think, maybe Sandi knows, but the OM has to be addressed at some point. I could be wrong, but I know I haven't gotten there yet. We haven't even touched upon it in counseling.

Let me speak from personal experience (you are better at this than I) you have a good thing going now, but it's probably more fragile than you think. Now why would you want to rock that boat?

[Sad_but_happy]

There are even pictures on our regular computer. She does not hide them. This is because the day they met, when all was innocent she took pictures of the day out. Not a big deal. Something anyone might do.

I hate that they are there! She does not know that I know about them but again, when there were taken there was nothing to hide.

I have thought about deleting them but have not.

[Sad_but_happy]

I just looked at a pic and I should not have. W and OM smiling before he became OM. It would have been just another Pic had it not progressed to EA. I just wish I could go back to the day before that pic and asked W to movies or something... Hind sight is 20/20... Will never take for granted again!

Calm down SBH calm down...