Running out of time

[Goodfight]

Well, heard from H through text last night. First he comes off with that nobody is telling him what to do for one thing (have NO clue to what he is talking about), I just know things would never work. I know I have problems and you don't need to remind me of them (another.....I have NO clue to where this came from).

Then he goes on to say he doesn't know what he wants. We were talking about the money it is costing the both of us for the lawyers so I told H (since he said he is confused and doesn't know what he wants) that we can put it on hold, all he has to do is to contact his lawyer and have her write to mine and say we want to put a hold on the D.

I don't know where this came from.....next H is texting me and saying that I never made an attempt to contact his family because I'm scared of what they would say.

I thought to myself, yes I would be scared all you have done was lied about me to them so you didn't look like the bad guy for walking out on me and the kids.

I told him that D14 called his step-mother on Mother's Day and she never returned the call so there is really nothing I can do. So he goes on to say what about my mother and them? You never made any attempt to contact them.

I told him that he had told me that they don't like me on Christmas and would probably only slam the phone down or shut the door in my face. H responds with, well at least you tried.
WTH???????

Within hours he went to saying it wouldn't work to saying he doesn't know what he wants back to saying it wouldn't work again.
And in between he's telling me to contact his family. I really thought he was seeing some light saying he knows he has problems but I didn't say a word to him, and he's saying I don't need to remind him. WTH????

Help me understand....anyone.

I asked him what the heck would I say, I didn't do anything to them or to him and he says just tell the truth. Then he says just to say what I want. And that they are home all day if I wanted to talk to them. I said I work all day. So I thought to myself, maybe I should go talk to them and fill them in on H and what is really going on and try to smooth things over with them for the kids sake.

So not 15 min. later I get a text from H saying just forget about it. I make my own decisions and I think its for the best that we move on.

[fisherman]

Exchanges like these will almost always go no where and lead to frustration on your end.

It's best not to argue your point, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't when it comes to dealing with crazy.

Only when/if he takes ownership of his issues things will start to change and it must be consistent. Not just a moment of sanity, consistent clartiy on his part and you'll know it when/if you see it.

Who know's for sure why they get off on this? Any kind of drama fuels the crazy train. Stay on solid ground and remind yourself of who you are dealing with at the moment.

[handlingplanb]

Hmmmmmm...........sounds maybe like he might have had a few drinks while texting? I agree with trapt. Crazy is as crazy does..............and it's all CRAZY!!

Concentrate on you and the kids. Learn and accept that there is NOTHING you can do for your H. He is on his own journey now, and must find his way on his own. No one knows where he's going, especially not him.....but you've been here long enough you know that.

Hang in there!

[angel61]

I agree. Don't even try to understand. He does not know what he is saying, or doing. He does not know the truth any longer. I don't think its drinking, its the MLC train wreck.

However, how do you handle the D problem? Since he said forget it, maybe just let it roll on? If you need to talk to your lawyers, maybe do it all together, face to face, and make sure each decision is documented. That way there is no pointing fingers later on in the wrong direction.

[jon2911]

Hey GF, hang in there!

For him to actually admit "I don't know what I want" is big IMO. Don't focus on the legal stuff. He "has to tell his lawyer to put the D on hold"? Bullcrap. Lawyers can't do anything without us. In the case of my W we all the way to the end, and she just never turned in the final papers. She changed her mind.

Work hard on your GAL right now. Exercise. Go have some fun. Wait and see what happens. This is classic DB time now, which should be exciting if you let it.

Your thread title "running out of time" confuses me. For what? I think you're figuring out how long and drawn out this process is, and he is also. D is a very long, expensive road, and for our purposes I think that's a very good thing.

Read this a few times:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_take_care_of_yourself.htm

Now post some of what you're doing! I don't ever hear that and it worries me. This stuff will drive you crazy unless you get of the rollercoaster.

[Goodfight]

Jon,

That is what is scaring me. The legal stuff. See H's lawyer told my lawyer that if I didn't turn in a proposal by the 15th she was going to have a Master appointed because of us being separated over 2 years and he had filed for the no-fault D back then. I did contest it but like my lawyer told me if I don't do the proposal and she gets a Master appointed it was going to be over $3000.00 a piece for each of us (and that's like saying I need 3 million), just for a Master to say it's over or say more time will be granted to try and reconcile.

H's lawyer has no clue to what H is all about and of course what he is going through and also doesn't understand his learning comprehension problems. He lost his other lawyer and he has only had this one for about 2 months.

So I had to get all of the bills that are in both of our names together and the balances and who paid how much on each one etc. and send it to my lawyer so he could put a proposal through in time before H's lawyer had a Master appointed.

My lawyer told me he would love for us to reconcile but he believes someone is influencing H big time (which I know is his family).

I was thrilled when H said he didn't know what he wanted and has stated this to me a few times during our S but then a few days later he says it's for the best for us just to move on. But this time was different. I just couldn't believe it. H does have to have his lawyer do something to put this D on hold but I don't know if he will or not. I haven't heard from him since Thursday, when we were texting.

I'm also still up in the air as far as his family. I know and really think it would be easier on H if we all got along and I have no problem with that even though they hurt me and I can honestly say I did nothing to them. It was H that told them off and didn't speak to them for all of those years, and yes it was because he stuck up for my S that was only 3 or 4 years old at the time. But I never said a word to them or H about it. I just told him after all that was said and done that I was hurt by what SIL and MIL said about H adopting S and that was it. He didn't speak to them and of course I stood by his side and made no effort back then because H didn't want anything to do with them.

Now that he has made amends with them he wants (I think) for everyone to get along, but God only knows what he told them.....why he left, and so on. They don't even believe in depression and are enabling him with the drinking big time. Any suggestions on whether I should go talk to them and what the heck would I say even if they let me past the door? I'm tired of people not getting along etc., but we aren't even piecing so I don't know why H would want me to contact them. So it's not like I can go to them and say "Hi, I'm sorry if I have ever offended you and would like to apologize if I did because H and I would like to start working on our M and would love your support. Do I make the move to be the bigger person? UGH! So confused.

I've seen MIL and SIL in action the first few years of M. They are very mean and evil people. They never liked any of H's gfs or his brothers' gfs or wives. They would act nice or sometimes even a little rude and then as soon as one H's brothers would leave they would say horrible things about the women and I'm sure they still do.

[jon2911]

GF, OK that is definitely more complicated than I thought.

How's it going lately?

[Goodfight]

H drives truck for a living so me and kids texted him Monday night and told him to be careful and none of us heard back from him.

Jon, I'm such a mess lately again. Today is awful.....can't stop crying. I just don't know where to turn. One time he comes around and says he doesn't know what he wants then a few days later he is saying that he thinks we should move on. This has been going on for almost 2 years. He just keeps going back and forth.

I'm sure his lawyer got the letter from mine stating all of the bills in both of our names and how I can't afford the home. But I haven't heard a word from him since the 6th.

[Goodfight]

Also, what I don't get is H was jealous when we were together on Dec. 15th. He made a comment about a person he use to work with and asked if I had heard from him and I said no, not in a long time. I also told H I don't even know what he looks like. I never met him and have NO clue how he got my cell.

Well, H said you won't have to worry about him coming near you or calling you again.

Then kind of personal lol but he made a remark about what I was wearing when we made love......I think a little jealous then too.

Then when we went out on the 18th of December, he kept looking at my ring finger and I always wear my engagement ring, since the S our D14 was playing with my wedding band and dropped it down the sink. Well, I made sure I had the engagement ring off on the 15th and 18th. Then he tries to make me jealous (even asked if I was), by telling me how he stops at this pizza place after work every day for a few beers and knows all the girls. I didn't say anything at all when he asked and he felt it necessary to tell me that they were either married, too young, or engaged. WTH??? He is driving me crazy. I do know though if his family wasn't involved (which is his fault), I honestly don't think this S would have gone on this long or would he have filed for a D. I don't have OW to worry about, it's his family.

If he claims to be a family man like he did to me. HELLO! You have your own family you made with me and the kids.

Do I contact his family? Does anyone think it would help? I feel he made this mess and he needs to clean it up. I've worked very hard being nice and biting my tongue. I don't know if he wants me to explain to them that he suffers from depression or what the heck. Then like I said above 7 minutes later he is saying never mind and that he thinks it for the best if we move on.

[jon2911]

I would say not to contact his family. That will do no good.

I know it's crazy, hang in there and do your best to GAL. I have some crazy developments myself which I'll post on my thread soon. Praying for you GF.